FROM: MR.JOHNSON MPHOMA
E-mail: j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com
TEL:27:83:2003279.
ATTN:AGATHA,
I know you will be surprised to read from me, but please consider this letter as a request from a family in dire need of your assistance. First I must introduce myself I am MR.JOHNSON MPHOMA from ANGOLA.I am the first and only son of the late BRIGADIER PAUL MPHOMA.I am presently residing in South Africa.
I got your contact from South Africa Information Exchange (S.A.I.E) here in Johannesburg and on behalf of my widowed mother, MRS PHILOMIN MPHOMA,I decided to solicit for your assistance to transfer the sum of US$21,320,000.00,(Twenty One Million, Three Hundred and Twenty Thousand United State Dollars)inherited from my late father into your personal or company's account. Before my father's death, he was Brigadier in charge of arms and ammunition purchase for the Angola Armed Forced.in his "WILL"he specifically drew my attention to this sum of US$21,320Million,which he deposited in a safe box of a private security company in south Africa FACT MY FATHER SAID IN HIS WILL AND QUOTE: -
"MY beloved son wish to draw your attention to the sum of US$21,320,000.00(Twenty One million, three hundred and twenty thousand united statedollars), which I deposited in a box with a security company in Johannesburg,south Africa case of my absence on earth caused by death only,you should solicit for reliable foreign partner to assist you to transfer this money out of south Africa for investment purpose deposited the money in your name and it can be claimed you alone with the deposit code.Your mother has all the document.Take good care of your mother and sister."
From the above, you will understand that the lives and future of my family depends on this money will be very grateful if you can assist us.We are now living in south Africa as political asylum seekers and the financial laws of south Africa does not allow asylum seeker certain financial rights to such huge amount of money.In view of this cannot invest this south africa,hence I am asking you to assist me transfer this money out of south Africa for investment purpose.for your efforts am prepared to offer you 25%of the total fund,while 5%will be set aside for local and international expenses and 70%will be kept by my family and me.
Finally, modalities on how the transfer will be done and will be conveyed to you once we establish trust and confidence between ourselves. Looking forwards to your urgent reply and please treats as veryconfidential.
Thank God.
Best regards,
JOHNSON MPHOMA.
[The formatting was more along the lines of archy and mehitabel but has been cleaned up for your reading pleasure. If you've never read archy and mehitabel you are in for a treat.]
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Sat Sep 20, 2003 10:06:05 AM US/Pacific
Dear Sir,
I am not sure from where you retrievied my confidential email address, but I am Lady Agatha Bristol, and I am Head of Special Operations at Her Majesty's Foreign Office.
Her Royal Highness Princess Candice of Brixton has asked me to investigate this rather unorthodox approach. Her personal assistant, Glassov Vimto, has also expressed an interest.
However, I must urge caution. My Permanent Secretary, Sir Basil Fawlty, has expressed grave reservations and even mentioned that this could be 'just some tawdry tribal tittle-tattle'.
However, I am duty-bound to assist.
Please send us more details.
God help you.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
221b Baker Street, London FU2 G1T
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
Your mail has been received and all the contents are well understood. I must not fail to thank you for your early respond and also I wish and pray to God that this will be the beginning of a long lasting relationship.
You are required to come down to South Africa for a face to face meeting between you and my family and also we go to any bank here in Johannesburg, South Africa to open a non-residence bank account on your name where this money will be deposited for onward transfer to your account overseas and also there an agreement prepared by my Lawyer that we have to sign. Please you have to furnish me with your fax and mobil numbers for easy communications.
Hope to hear from you soonest
Extent my regard to your family.
Best regard,
Johnson Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Sep 23, 2003 5:21:54 AM US/Pacific
Dear Mr. Mphoma,
We are more than happy to carry on with this transaction but Her Majesty insists that you swear the Oath of Allegiance.
Everyone with whom we do business is required to take the Oath. As a member of the colonies, we would expect nothing less of you. Are you prepared to do this?
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
Thank you very much for your reply,I do understood all you said.
I would have asked you of this oath from your side,anyway there is no problem. There will agreement that will bind us together,which I will siegn and send to you,and will siegn and send back to me.
So that I will be sure that my money will lose when it get to your hand.You will not disapoint me at last.
Thanks and God bless you and your family.
Best regards,
Johnson.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Thu Sep 25, 2003 1:47:07 AM US/Pacific
Dear Mr. Mphoma,
This is splendid news, my dear chap.
You are required to take a piece of letterheaded paper, and type the following text:
'I, Johnson Mphoma, do by humble merkin and in all fey twiglets, solemnly swear to assist Her Majesty in all pro-quims business in the most discombobulated manner possible.'
Scan in your photo, sign it and send to me as an e-mail attachment. Lonslo Tossov, my Head of Diplomacy and PR, will send your completed Oath to Tescoshire for routine security analysis.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
DearLady Agatha.
Howare you today?
Thanks,I recieved your mail and I do understood all said.I must once again thank you for your concern and willingnesss to help in this transaction.
I heard all you said and I will do everything within my reach on my side for us to complete this as soon as possissble.
Please dear I will like to have your privvate phone number and fax,for this will help us more easy communication.
Looking forward to hear from you.
Regards,
Johnson.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Sep 26, 2003 4:39:56 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mr. Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
I am afraid that I cannot divulge the details you require without a signed Oath.
Please get this over to me, old chap - it'll be worth it as you'll get exactly what you deserve.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
DearLady Agatha.
Howare you today?
Thanks,I recieved your mail and I do understood all said.I must once again thank you for your concern and willingnesss to help in this transaction.
I heard all you said and I will do everything within my reach on my side for us to complete this as soon as possissble.
Please dear I will like to have your privvate phone number and fax,for this will help us more easy communication.
Looking forward to hear from you.
Regards,
Johnson.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Sep 26, 2003 4:40:19 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mr. Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
I am afraid that I cannot divulge the details you require without a signed Oath.
Please get this over to me, old chap - it'll be worth it as you'll get exactly what you deserve.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
Thank you for your mail.
However I want to enphasisce on the matter which you mentioned in your last mail about a signed oath which want me to sign for routine security analysis.
I want to ask you,this are the one to sign an oath for me as partner recieving money from me or myself?
I am coming from a very diffcult setuation because of political background and as such expecting someone who will help me heal some of the wounds that I have encartered before. I am willing to present to you all documents you will require over here to help you transfer this found,the only thing I want you to do is to assist me where necessary,like opening of bank account of which you know that I am not able to do that because of my political status here as a refrgee.
I want also to remind you that this money in question is not with me in cash,it was deposited in fiance and security company and pending when we counclude an agrrement to transfer the money. I will plead with to understand my position,I am not trying to be rude but I am only making my points clear so that we will have an understanding in working together. `
I want you to help accept me as your owen person so that I can have a perfect piece of mind working with you. You reach me on my private telephone line on 27:83:4870089,please send me your owen.
Expecting to here from you soon.
Thanks for your co-operation,
Johnson.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Oct 3, 2003 1:36:36 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mr. Mphoma,
Thank you for your note, though it is rather tardy. Do please remember who you are dealing with and be a little more punctual in your replies. Her Majesty can get bored very quickly, and there are plenty of X-Box games to keep her amused.
The Oath of Allegiance will give us final proof that you are trustworthy and will, inasmuch as it can do, make you 'one of us', so to speak. We ask all of our business partners and suppliers to take it. It is a matter of routine, old chap. But it is also very important.
I hope this clears this matter up and we can carry on with our transaction.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
How are you and the entire family?
I am very sorry,for not communicating with you for quite sometime now,reason is that my mother was hopitalised and I have to ran arround to make sure that she gate better.She now prety doing well.
I manage to contact an attorney that helped me to draft the oath of alligience as you rightly requested.
I advice that you download it through your attachment,sign them and please erturn it to us for our owen signatory impression and also for the high court endosement as reqired by law.
Simillarly,our picture are ready to be send to you as soon as I recive your response,I will forward them through your attachment for you copy.
I wish to remind you,that we are hoping and beleaving that you will render to us all necessary assistance needed to help us transfer this fund into your account and to relocate us into your country as previously explain in my early proposal to you.
Hoping to hear from you urgently.
Thanks for your kind co-operation,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Oct 20, 2003 1:57:42 AM US/Pacific
My dear Johnson,
Thank you for your note.
It has been quite a while since we heard from you and we were becoming concerned. Please make sure that you contact us promptly in future. Time is of the essence.
We are still happy to assist you but you must be more professional. I understand you are in the Third World but this is not cricket, old chap.
Similarly, your Oath is inadequate. All you must do is copy out the following text, scan in your photo and sign:
'I, Johnson Mphoma, being of sound mind, do by humble merkin swear in the most discombobulated manner and in all fey twiglets to assist the Royal Family in all of their right Royal business.'
Do hurry up - Mr. Abacha has contacted us with a similar scheme and he is rather more businesslike than you.
Please send our regards to your mother.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I received your mail and all the contents were well uderstood. I am very sorry once again for being late its not a matter of coming from the third world rather it is some of the difficulties we faced, because of my mothers illnes coupled with, we are here as political aslyum seekers in a foriegn land.
I have forwarded a copy of my photograph and the letter typed and sign as instusted by you. I hope that you will be satisfied with the documents beliving that you will go ahead without much hindrace to give us all the relevant assistance, to enable us transfer this fund into your nominated accounts as promised. We also plead that you use your good royal office to help us over come this terible time that we find ourself,we are beliving that God Almighty will reward
you for all your kind gestures to us.
We highly appreciat your efforts, and hoping to hear from you, urgent.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Oct 22, 2003 12:55:52 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
This is marvellous. Though your Oath is not signed, we will take it on trust for now as you are starting to demonstrate due competence on this matter.
We will conduct some basic security checks on your Oath and will be back in touch. Please do not hesitate to chase me on this, as I am going to visit The Bowden Custard Company factory opening with Prince Wayne this afternoon.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Thank you very much for your good compliments, We highly appreciate associating with a highly class person like you.
I do appreciate the trust bestowed on me and i promise never to let you down on this transction.
I will be waiting to hear from you after your basic security check on me, as you have already explained, you have now given me permission to get intouch with you all the time. please, do remember to give us the necessary assistance required of you as promised. We are all wishing you the best of the opening ceremony of the Custard Company with Prince Wayne.
Thanks for your kind co-operation.
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Thu Oct 23, 2003 12:29:38 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note. You will be delighted to hear that I have fast-tracked your security clearance overnight and your credentials are impeccable. Indeed, Her Majesty is even considering awarding you with the Order of the Chamber Pot should this transaction conclude successfully.
For my part, I am personally delighted that we shall be entering into business. If I may say, you are a very handsome man.
We look forward to continuing this transaction when we have returned from the opening ceremony of the Bowden Custard Company, in a day or so's time.
With kind regards.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha
How are you today and your family in general,hoping you all sounding very well.
I must thank you for your mail with all the praises,God will bless you all.
I am writing to know if you people have come back from the opening ceremony of custard company, you said you people are going to open.I am delighted to hear that her majesty is planning to award me with the order of the chamber of the pot.I pray this transaction be quick and successfully to enable me be there and to meet you in person.
I will be glad to from you urgent.
Best regards,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Oct 29, 2003 1:23:35 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. We have now returned from our civic duties and are ready to commence with the business at hand.
Please note that my two most trusted field agents have been copied into this email; our Head of International Diplomacy, Lonslo Tossov, and Special Agent Ilichy Miracsky. These two agents, noted for their discretion, will speed our transaction immeasurably.
The Royal Family sends its respectful regards.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Wellcome back from your trip. I got the mail that you sent to me and your readiness to commence business with me. However, i must emphasize on the two people that you said you have copied the email to because i dont know them very well i am entirely depending on you, but if you are giving me the approval of this agents, i sincerely request that all the informations be kept absolutely confindential to avoid any exposure because of the political crisis that we faced here. My immidiate need right now is to pay the Security and the Finance Company where we made the deposit, we are right now under demmurage and unpaid monthly charges to the company, your candid assistance to pay off this depts owed will be higly appeciated. I will appreciate if you can forward a fax line to me as to enable me fax the two documents that i entered with the Security and Finace Company for your perusal.
Your Majesty, i am depending on you and i hope you will do all to your power to help me get through this difficult time.
Expecting to hear from you soonest.
My regards,
J. Mphoma
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Oct 29, 2003 7:24:52 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
As I may have outlined, Agents Tossov and Miracsky are highly decorated operatives. They are my two most trusted men and confidentiality is their watchword.
You must remember that the Special Operations Department is an unofficial branch of the Foreign Office, so please don't fret.
We'll make sure you get exactly what you deserve.
In terms of a fax number, you can try 00 44 027-238-8306.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
Greatings from Mr j.mPHOMA.
I have trying to fax the document to you,but the number that you give to is going through.
Please confirm the corect number to me so that I will be able to fax the document.
Expecting your mail.
Thank you for kindness,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 3, 2003 1:53:50 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
This is indeed strange. The number I gave you seems to be working well as I faxed them only this morning.
Try again, old chap. If it doesn't work, you can email me any documents you wish.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
LONSLO TOSSOV, NOBODY'S FOOL
LADY A_MIRACKSY AND I HAVE BEEN ON HIGH ALERT FOR SOME TIME WITHOUT AVAIL
SHOULD WE ASSUME THIS CHAP IS ANOTHER HAPLESS BUFFOON AND UNDERTAKE A NEW
ASSIGNMENT OR SHOULD WE DILLY DALLY FOR FURTHER DAYS WITH THIS DOUBTFUL
BUSINESS??
T
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 3, 2003 6:38:24 AM US/Pacific
Dear Agent Tossov,
Thank you for your note. Your views, whilst characteristically blunt, are noted.
However, Mr. Mphoma's Oath has come back clear of any security issues and he seems trustworthy. I am happy to work with this chap until he proves otherwise.
In the meantime, please prepare for us to leave to meet Mr. Mphoma - I think a face-to-face meeting could be appropriate soon.
As ever,
AB
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
greatings to you and your family.
I tried to fax you the documents,but it did not work again.Please try if there is a way out so that I will fax it to you as soon as possisable.
Regards,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Nov 4, 2003 8:14:51 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
This is most irregular. Agent Tossov faxed me only this afternoon.
May I suggest - for the sake of expediency, you e-mail me any documentation? Or perhaps we can visit your village.
Her Royal Highness, Princess Candice, has never met a tribesman before and it would be a learning experience.
To compensate you for any inconvenience, we would like to offer you and your family some fine Italian suits, manufactured by Dahmer & Bundy, the Royal Outfitters.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
Thank you very much for your mail,and at the same time how are allof you today?hoping very fine. Here I am sending the documents.
Scan it through your attachment. Then you will arrange how to pay the money,and other things that will follow up,please you try to see that we conclude this transaction on time.
You have alrady konw what I am going trough here.
Hope to hear from you urgent.
Best regards,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
To: johnson mphoma
CC: lonslo tossov
Date: Thu, 6 Nov 2003 09:42:15 +0000 (GMT)
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
Agent Tossov, please conduct the necessary security checks on the attached documents. Double-time, please. And tell Miracsky he is off Custard Leave now. He has proven himself in the Bowden-Levy campaign.
Mr. Mphoma, what is this payment to which you refer?
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office,
London
LONSLO TOSSOV
LADY A
THESE DOCUMENTS HAVE THE HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY
COMPOSITION OF A NINCOMPOOP TO MY
EYES AND THE FELLOW SEEMS A HALF BAKED ILLITERATE
BUT THEY DO SEEM TO HAVE
SOME SEMBLANCE OF LOGIC AFTER THEIR OWN FASHION_AT A
STRETCH IT MAY JUST BE
WORTH TAKING A RISK WITH THIS FELLOW LET US HOPE
THAT HE PROVES UP TO ALL
THIS TIME AND EFFORT_MIRACSKY IS NOW SORTAGED HE
SAYS AND WE AWAIT
INSTRUCTIONS THIS END
T
Lonslo Tossov
1 Yanker Ave,
Mbalongawank 123
Via Costeira - Natal
Phone/Fax: +55 (84) 202.1300
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 7, 2003 6:39:12 AM US/Pacific
Dear Agent Tossov,
Thank you for your note. Whilst initially I might have shared your concerns I do find that Mphoma is a trustworthy and good-natured fellow.
Indeed, Her Majesty mentioned a substantial number of Golden Dorks for him as a reward for his patience.
Please place yourself and Agent Miracsky on stand-by. I have a feeling we will need to travel to the Colonies soon.
As ever,
AB
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
How are you? together with the rest of your family i presume you are all doing very well.
I was a little bit sick thats why i could not reply you much ealier. Tnank you so much for all your concern towards your assistance to me and the entire family. However, i must point out to you some things that i am not very pleased with, i will refer you to an e-mail dated 6th of nov. 2003 that was sent to you and copied to me, it really undermind my person and integrity whereby your agent Tossov or whoever was regarding me as a fellow that seems half baked illetriate, but that we seem to have some sembulance of logic after our own fashion. This is purely an understatement which needs to be apologise for. What i have proposed to you is nothing but the truth.
But if whereby you find it impossible to assist me i think it would have been more honourable to discuss about it and have a conclusion in due respect for each other.
I dont need to explain to you how many years i have spent in my university years and all the honours awarded, please, i am not an illiterate rather i am a litterate person born out of the African continent, english language been my second language after my mother tongue. I hope this will be addressed so that we dont misunderstood ourself.
Your e-mail of 6th nov. that was sent to me whereby you were requesting to know which payment i am refering on, you should please remember, that i told you about some money that i was oweing the Security and Finance company where the money was deposited for security reasons of which i did sent you the two documents Deed of Lodge and Proof of Deposit for your perusal. I want you to help me pay off this bill that i owed, the total bill now stands at USD$12,500 dollars Equivelent to the local currency (Twelve thousand five hundred united states dollars). Its necessary that i pay off this money before you embark on your journey to see me here.
I will be able to provide you an account details to help me or you can send it on a more quicker means which is the Moneygram services.If it will be possible please, try to send it very urgent it will give me an oppoturnity to put every thing in place before your arrival here. I am not insisting that you send all the total money but, as much as you can send to me. I need you to send to me and my family the Italian suits manufactured by the Dahmer and Bundy as requested, i will so much appreciate them, i cant wait to receive them, confirm them and let me know so that, i can send the sizes, Italian design are my favourites.
I hope to hear from you soonest. God bless you and Her Majesty.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 10, 2003 5:11:37 AM US/Pacific
Cc: lonslo tossov
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
Please do not worry about Agent Tossov's sometimes abrasive manner. He is my most trusted field agent and sometimes his over-enthusiasm to protect Her Majesty's interests boils over. He will ensure you get exactly what you deserve.
In terms of the money, this is most irregular. We may have to visit you in person to give you the $12,500. Is this of interest?
I have suggested to Dahmer & Bundy that you will need a generous-sized suit, with turn-ups. I hope this is satistfactory.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Thank you very much for your understanding. In terms of the money that i requested i will want you to send it to me at least half of it before your coming, this will help to deposit it with the Security and Finance Company to avoid them giving me a summons for a breach of contract against me because of the accumulated amount that has not been paid.
I am appealing to you, your Majesty to make every necessary arrangement to see me through by trying to send it over to me urgent.
I know this is irregularbut, remember you promised me that you will do every thing possible to help me overcome this situatation. I would not have asked for this but because, we have ehausted all the money with us and there is no way we can get money elswhere because of the situatation we faced here, thats why we are relying on you for all this assistance.
I must remind you that every cents that you spent on this transction will be refunded back to you immidetatly we get the consignment out from the Security and Finance Company.
In regards to the suits, i will suggest that you send it to us before your arrival, we will like to wear them on before your arrival, If you have anything for my mother please do indicate so that we can give you her size. The suite sizes should be from 40, 42, 44 and 45. Please, indicate when it will be available so that i can give the address to receive it.
Expecting to hear from you, urgent.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Nov 12, 2003 1:34:06 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Why did you enter into an agreement with the security company when you could not fulfil the terms of the contract?
Perhaps Agent Tossov was right, though I am prepared to put your amateurism down to simple tribal ignorance of the way business is conducted.
We will indulge you on this occassion. To where do we send the money?
The suits are being made up as we speak, and I am sure that you will look handsome in them.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Thank you very much for accepting us and the amateurism we have display in signing the contract with the Security and finance company, It was acually my late father that signed the contract i am totaly sorry for the inconvinces that this might have caused you.
Please, you can use this accout details to send the money so that i can make the payment to the company
BANK NAME: ABSA SOUTH AFRICA
ACCOUNT NAME: PATRICIA HLATSWAYO
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 9090997488
BRANCH: MELVILLE
BRANCH CODE: 634005
SWIFT CODE: ABSAZAJJ
Alternatively, you can send it through MONEYGRAM SERVICES on my name, which will be more quicker and preferably to receive same time that it will be deposited.
My mother is eager to know if you have anything to send to her, she is so excited about the whole development. Send the suites to this address as soon as they are ready:
JOHNSON MPHOMA
JEKASS COMMUNICATION SHOP. 4
40, MELLE STREET,
BRAMFONTEIN 2017,
JOHANESBURG, S. AFRICA.
Awaiting for your urgent response
My best regard,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Thu Nov 13, 2003 8:20:46 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
This is not child's play, you know. What kind of company is called Jackass Communication?
Very well, we shall indulge you. In normal circumstances we would insist on a face to face meeting to hand you the money; and despite mine and Agent Tossov's misgivings, Her Majesty has instructed us to wire the money to you.
When shall we send it?
In terms of the suits, they are being manufactured as we speak, out of the finest nylon we can find.
One final point; may I suggest that we use pseudonyms for the money transfer?
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
The company that i used as a place to receive the suits is JEKASS COMMUNICATIONS, its a registered operating business center where actually we do most of our office works like international calls and computer training for the family etc. We have known them since we came here, thats why i gave you the address to enable us receive the items with their address. They are not aware of my business with her Majesty.
I am requesting that the (BILLS) be send immediately as explained in my last e-mail (please, try to scan all the relevant documents and send to me via attachement for easy assement.
Thanking you in anticipation and your understanding for my short falls.
My regard,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 17, 2003 4:27:27 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
A slight problem. Her Royal Highness Princess Candice Windsor, who is third in line to the Throne, has added a condition to our transaction.
She is demanding an X-Box, or she will not release the $6,000 we would like to pay you.
We have tried to persuade her that we cannot accomodate her demands, but she is a Princess and her word is law.
Do you have any thoughts on this matter? We are prepared to meet you to discuss the situation.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
thank you for your email, however, i do understand the demand of Her Royal Highness Princes Candice Windsor of X-Box, please i will like you to inform me preciely how many she wants so that we can discuss it as a family to get the whole matter approved.
I should suggest that you go ahead with every arrangement in order that this issue will not hold us down because of our time frame.
I will like to hear from you, urgent.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 2:03:41 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
As ever, it is a pleasure to hear from you.
Her Royal Highness requires just one X-Box, with some software.
In the meantime, we are ready to send you the sum of $6,000 as a downpayment. We will send it as soon as we hear you have arranged delivery of the X-Box to this address:
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations
Foreign Office
221b Baker Street
London FU2 G1T
As ever, we thank you for your co-operation and patience.
Yours,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Thank you for all your efforts.
Your e-mail of 17th november was not well
understood
by me but after going through your e-mail of today
i
could understand what Her Majesty really wants. My
position with the matter right now is a little bit
difficult, The reason being that there is no way i
can
release the X-Box with some software without
paying
the company the amount that i owed them which i
have
already informed you about it.
I suggest that you do all that you can to help me
inform Her Magesty our true position here rgarding
the
matter. As soon as we received the (Bills) we will
make every arrangement to follow up the
instrustions
of Her Majesty.
We sincerely looking forward to your co-operation
and
assistance.
My Regards,
J. Mphoma.
NB.
Please, i will like to have your telephone line to
speak with you in person.
[The weird formatting above is what Lad Letters generally look like.
Usually we spare you.]
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Nov 18, 2003 9:13:38 AM US/Pacific
My dear Johnson (if I may),
Thank you for your note.
Can you not organise an overdraft to pay for the X-Box? After all, you will be receiving millions of dollars once we have completed this transaction.
You have not dealt with a wilful young Princess before, if I may say, old chap. Princess Candice is not like your village elders, you know.
Is there really nothing we can do? We have $6,000 ready to be sent, though we can be with you in two days to pay you in person, which I think could shift this blockage in negotiations.
My direct number is 00 44 207 231 1220. Due to security concerns, please ask for my pseudonym, Sybil Fawlty.
Please let me have your thoughts.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
fone no is Fraud Squad LOL
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I am unable to raise an overdraft due to my position here if i may refer you back to the previous proposal that i sent to you i did indicate to you that i am not a South African, I am an Angolan which situates within the Southern African region we arrive here because of the problem we had back home and as foriginers we are not allowed by law of South Africa to operate any bank account as such we are regarded here as political aslyum seekers, this the very reason that made us to contact you for an assistace.
I will be contacting you tomorrow by 1400hrs your local time to brief you more and to have the opportunity to speak with you. If there will a change of time please do let me know, and if i have offended you or Her Royal Highness in any way i ask for forgiveness.
I hope this will not make you to change your mind in giving me the required assistance to get the X-Box out.
Thanking you in anticipation.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Nov 19, 2003 1:35:01 AM US/Pacific
Cc: Lonslo Tossov
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
This is indeed a problem. I shall seek the counsel of Agent Tossov, as he has special influence with Her Highness.
Agent Tossov, your thoughts please.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I received your reply.
I am resting everything to your hands and i belive that you do understand all my predicament.
I still insist that you try your possible best to speak to Agent Tossov as am unable to reach him directly to explain him our position over here. I am still going to contact you by 1400hrs your local time as i mentioned in my last mail to you.
Please do expect my call.
Thanking you for your wonderful assistance.
My regards.
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Nov 19, 2003 4:57:34 AM US/Pacific
Cc: Lonslo Tossov
My dear Mphoma,
Agent Tossov is currently in DobbolBolok, in Shitzestan on business but we are in constant communication.
He has acknowledged receipt of my e-mail.
Please try not to worry, Mphoma. We will endeavour to make sure you get your just desserts in this matter.
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I received your mail of assurance yesterday.
I tried to contact you on phone yesterday but it was ringing without a response.Anyway I will leav the whole matter in your hands.
Your urgent mediation with Her Royal Highness will be highly appreciated because time is not on our side anymore.
Thanking you for your co-operation.
My regards,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Thu Nov 20, 2003 3:05:23 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your e-mail.
Having conducted negotiations throughout the night, and having sought Agent Tossov's counsel, our plan will have to involve a face-to-face meeting where we will give you $15,000 (more than the agreed sum but we wish to compensate you for any inconvenience) and you will give us the X-Box for Her Highness.
Does this meet with approval? We can mobilize Sir Ronald Kray, our finest pilot, within hours.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
LONSLO TOSSOV
Date: Thu Nov 20, 2003 7:05:20 AM US/Pacific
LADY A_ I AM POSITION BUT HAVE HEARD NO MORE FROM THIS LUNK HEAD WHAT IS THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION? I DOUBT IF THE FELLOW IS GENUINE AS HE SEEMS ALARMINGLY LACKADAISICAL IN BUSINESS MATTERS BUT AM WAITING TO FOLLOW YOUR INSTRUCTIONS WITH ALL ENTHUSIASM PLEASE ADVISE SOONEST WILL COMPLY
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 21, 2003 3:18:14 AM US/Pacific
Dear Agent Tossov,
Your thoughts, as ever, are appreciated. Please prepare yourself and Agent Miracsky to travel to the Colonies immediately.
As ever,
AB
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agat
I am glad to receive your mail.
You can go ahead and make your itinaries to come down
here, forward all the necessary information.
I have only one thing to request from you, the Security and Finance Company insisst that some deposit
be made because of the agreement that i reach with them and its now sounding as if i am not keeping to the terms and agreement which is not giving us any rest of mind, as such i am of the opinon that you please, try to remmit the Half BILLS to me very urgent
to the a/c details forwarded already to you.
v Lady Agatha i want you to look into this matter very serious, i have nothing to hide if you want to assist
me to accomplish this project i dont think we will be
discussing about this BILLS matter for almost One week
now this is my life time oportunity as such i am not taking it as a childs play as been sugested by Agent Tossov. If you people are not able to send the BILLS to me i will appreciate that you inform me as to know
what next that i can do, but my problem is that the whole family have confirmed and agreed to do this project with Her Majesty considering her position so please give me that trust and try to see what you can
do by informing Her Majesty my true position. I need this help more than anything here now.
Hoping to hear something more favourable from you.
Thanking you for all your efforts once again. Regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 21, 2003 3:21:50 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
While we appreciate everything you have done thus far, we have done all we can to convince Her Highness of your genuine intentions.
The very best we can offer is to fly to meet you at your village, or goat market or whatever passes for an airport in the Colonies these days.
Know that we have the suits, $15,000 and some watches for you. But please don't do a rain dance just yet, old chap. I am a terribly nervous flyer.
Thank you for your patience and kind understanding. We do appreciate it, and you'll be rewarded.
Enter Princess Candy.
PRINCESS CANDICE
From: "Candice Windsor"
Hiya Lady A
I bin thinking about this X box thing K, and can we have Halo as the game? Darren and Wayne like that an it is quite cool we think!! They have played it at Buck Palace with Tony i gess. Is it gonna be long tho cos we relly relly want one for xmas els it will be v boring. Tell this guy 2 hurry k? Thanx
C x
HRH Princess Candice Windsor
Apartment 69
Kensington Palace
Royal Quims,
Buckingham Bingo Estate
London
FU2 GIT
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 21, 2003 7:03:01 AM US/Pacific
Your Royal Highness,
Thank you for your note.
Mr. Mphoma is doing his best to accomodate your requirements, as are The Special Operations Department is also doing its utmost to fulfil your wishes.
But if I may be so bold, you must also be patient. Mr. Mphoma is from The Colonies, and items like X-Boxes and copies of Halo are not easy to come by.
Please do bear with us, Your Highness. We are doing our very best.
As ever, at your service
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
PRINCESS CANDICE
To: Lady Agatha Bristol
Cc: j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com
K then but i hope it come soon and he is not jus foolin bout cos he sounds a right nitwit to me k?
Cxx
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:38:30 AM US/Pacific
Your Royal Highness,
Thank you for your note. As ever, your views have been taken into account. We shall report back when we have concluded negotiations with Mr. Mphoma.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Your mail were well received.
I do appreciate all your cor-odinations with Her Royal
Highness to see that we conclude this within the shortest period of time.
I will be expecting to receive your intinaries on when
you will be arriving, i cant wait to see you.
Waiting patiently to hear from you.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 24, 2003 1:43:29 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
I am delighted to say that we are nearly ready to meet you.
Here are our details:
Members of Travelling Party:
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE, Head of Special Operations Special Agent Lonslo Tossov, Special Operations Agent Ilichy Miracsky, Special Operations
We shall be carrying sidearms at all times - Walther PPKs, and Glock 9mm pistols we have procured from Cagney & Lacey, a US arms manufacturer.
In addition we shall be carrying in our diplomatic bag four Remington shotguns, Heckler & Kock MP-5s and six Uzi 9mms.
This may sound a little over the top but we are also bringing nearly $50,000 and we do not wish to be eaten by antelopes or end up in some witch doctor's cauldron.
We can stay in touch on our journey as we have the latest wireless technology.
Thank you for bearing with us. You will be rewarded.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
Thank you for your urgent response.
I am not very comfortable with your arrangements, if i may know from you, are you people coming here for war or to assist me to get this funds out of this place? i dont know your intension why there have to be a lot of weapons accompaning you people, if this will jeorpadise my family fortune please you better inform me so as to look for some other people to do this project. What will my mother say if she sees you people with such a sophicated arms considering that my late father was murdered in a cold blooded gun battle.
In my first proposal to Her Royal Majesty i did indicate that this matter should be kept absolutely confindential to avoid been exposed but, i am seeing right now lots of people are getting involved and i doubt the confindence because of our security here in Johanesburg, South Africa.
Further more i did explain to you that we are from Angola within the Southern region of Africa, I dont understand your statements about been eaten up by antelops or by witch doctors we are also civilsed people its not only europeans that are civilsed and for your information we are christain. We are staying in Johanesburg, and for your informations South Africa is rated as the fifth best tourist country in world. I will like you to address me properly in this matter as to know your preprations of coming to this place.
Expecting to hear from you.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 24, 2003 5:41:14 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
There is no cause for alarm. We will only carry handguns. You must remember that we represent the Special Operations Department. We protect Her Majesty's Government all over the world.
You are a true friend of Her Majesty and I can assure you there is absolutely nothing to worry about. We are all looking forward to meeting Mrs. Mphoma, whom we are sure is a wonderful woman.
In terms of secrecy, there are only three of us coming to meet you. Agents Miracsky and Tossov epitomise discretion and confidentiality. Please do not have any concerns.
We will be delighted to stay wherever you suggest, old chap. Do make sure there is fresh fruit in our rooms.
I expect we shall be leaving London tomorrow.
With all good wishes.
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
LONSLO TOSSOV
Date: Mon Nov 24, 2003 8:46:58 AM US/Pacific
Cc: j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com
LADY A
MIRACSKY AND I ARE READY DO YOU HAVE DECENT PICTURE OF THIS CHUMP I IMAGINE IT WILL BE FAIRLY UNPREPOSSESSING BUT AT LEAST A GLIMPSE OF HIS BEETLE BROWS WILL MAKE IT LESS LIKELY THERE WILL BE ANY FRIENDLY FIRE ACCIDENTS_WE DO NOT WANT ANOTHER ABACHA INCIDENT
STANDING BY
T
Lonslo Tossov
Phone/Fax: +55 (84) 202.1300
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Nov 24, 2003 9:00:30 AM US/Pacific
Dear Agent Tossov,
The picture is attached - mind you, I'm not sure if it's him, because to quote Bowden, my Executive Assistant, 'they all look the bloody same to me'.
Please do not be too trigger-happy this time, as you say, the Abacha Incident was highly embarassing. Especially when Agent Miracsky tried to bury the body in that football stadium.
Stand by.
As ever, Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
Scam-o-disclaimer: Lady Agatha and her imperialist staff are noted dinosaurs. We residents of the Artist Formerly Known as the American Colonies know that if that touchingly incompetent scoundrel Johnson Mphoma would not be admitted through the front door of Lady Agatha's club, neither would we. Finally, it is well known that Bowden shot the last known carnivorous Hormel's Antelope last year. Extinction is forever.
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha.
Thanks for your mails,
Please do send the bills in 100 donomiations okay.
Thanks for your kind co-operations,
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Nov 26, 2003 1:40:31 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your note.
We shall supply the money in $100 bills.
At present, we are preparing to travel to Southern Africa. Do you know any decent hotels?
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
LONSLO TOSSOV
Date: Wed Nov 26, 2003 1:53:44 AM US/Pacific
Cc: j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com
LADY A
THIS FELLOW HAS A RATHER WORRYING LASCIVIOUS LEER ON HIS FACE ARE YOU SURE HE IS ENTIRELY TRUSTWORTHY I WOULD NOT LIKE TO THINK THAT YOU ARE PLACING YOURSELF IN DANGER AT THE HANDS OF SOME SHIFTY SCOUNDREL WHO WOULD ATTEMPT SOMETHING UNMENTIONABLE UPON YOUR GOOD SELF_THERE IS NO GAINSAYING WHAT THESE NATIVES WILL GET UP TO ONCE THEY HAVE THE ADVANTAGE_HOT SUN AND LOCAL LIQUORS WILL SOON OVERCOME ANY INHIBITIONS THEY SHOULD RIGHTLY FEEL_THIS IS MENTIONED WITH ALL DUE RESPECT
T
Lonslo Tossov
Phone/Fax: +55 (84) 202.1300
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Nov 26, 2003 3:10:51 AM US/Pacific
Dear Agent Tossov,
Thank you for your note. Your concern is touching, but you must remember I have a black belt in Kuz Tad, so any advances by amorous tribesmen will be dealt with accordingly.
Please prepare Mr. Mphoma's money in $100 bills.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I will like to know the type of hotels you are looking
for, because there are three star up to five star hotels including tourist places here. I will be waiting to hear from you so as to give you the details
that you require.
Please, i will like to bring to your notice that the picture which i saw in my mail of a small passport size is not me i dont know how you people come about
that. I am only informing you so that you dont mistaken me to someone else.
I will wait for your response.
Regards,
J. Mphoma.v
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Nov 26, 2003 6:21:40 AM US/Pacific
Cc: Tossov
My dear Johnson,
Thank you for the note. We are preparing to travel this afternoon.
We would like five star accomodation, of course. Please book us four suites in the finest hotel in Johannesburg.
I am terribly sorry about the picture. Agent Tossov was sure it was you because, in his words, 'They all look the same to me'. I chastised him for such basic views, of course.
I must away now, as Agent Miracsky is packing my laptop onto the plane. However, as I explained, I can stay in touch once we are in the air.
The $50,000 has been divided into bricks of 10 x $100 bill bricks. I hope this is satisfactory.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
LONSLO TOSSOV
Date: Thu Nov 27, 2003 4:04:56 AM US/Pacific
Cc: j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com
LADY A
WILL THIS CHAP BE ABLE TO SCRAWL HIS MARK ON AN ACCEPTABLE RECEIPT FOR THIS MONEY? IT WOULD BE BETTER TO CHECK SUCH LITERACY SKILLS BEFORE COMMITTING TIME AND EFFORT TO THIS MATTER SO WE KNOW WHAT IS TO BE EXPECTED_ALSO THE EQUIVALENT CASH VALUE IN DORKS MAY BE MORE SUITABLE TO THIS ENTERPRISE AS THEY ARE LESS LIKELY TO END UP ON SOME NATIVE BLACK MARKET OR PAYING FOR AN ARMED UPRISING IN MY HUMBLE OPINION_MIRACSKY AND I AWAIT YOUR URGENT DECISION ON THIS MATTER AS WELL AS THE MATTER OF MIRACSKYS DRINKING AND WOMANISING WHICH THREATENS THE SECURITY OF THIS TRIP AS PREVIOUSLY ADVISED HE IS UNSTABLE AND OUGHT TO BE REPLACED BY VAS DEFERENS
T
Lonslo Tossov
Phone/Fax: +55 (84) 202.1300
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 6:14:01 AM US/Pacific
Agent Tossov!
Now that is enough!
Please treat Mr. Mphoma with the respect he deserves, and stop this rabble-rousing. You are to meet us in Johannesburg, when we arrive in the next day or so. I will forward our arrangements to you.
Yours,
AB
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I am totally disappointed and humillated by your team.
I have done all that you requested me to do and you did confirm on mail that you are leaving to come down here but, to no avail, even to send mail to me nobody cared to do that, rather all i could received from you is a mail from so called Agent Tossov who has been underminding my person, and the integrity of my entire family.
I can personally confirm that agent Tossov is an uncivlised person in the sense that he doesnt know anything about international history and human relationship. I am sorry to say that he is taking us back to old history of coloniasim, he is totaly biased about my success and i dont know if i should call him a racist I wish you could proceed on your jounrney so that i can have some word with him, for him to know that i am not an illiterate as he assume.
South Africa which is not my country falls under the claases as one of the most beautiful cities in Europe so i dont know where the native tribes men will be coming from or armed uprising. I dont think they have anything to do with the wealth my late father, have left behind for us i dont really understand all this bulls he is talking about.
The Rugby world cup was hosted here some years back, the Cricket world cup, World Summit conference on sustainable development and many more were all hosted in the same city all with a success. This is the same city that agent Tossov is assuming to be a native place, remmeber this the very home of world hero Dr. Nelson Mandela and he lives here in Johanesburg.
With all this points i will leave you to mediate on this facts and lecture Agent Tossov more about this place.
I dont know why you are turning everything down when you personally inform me that Her Royal Highness has given approval to assist me overcome this bad situation that we faced here on how to transfer this fund out of this place. If you know that you people cant help me i belive is very simple please, let me know so that i can look for another person that can do
it for me, but if you want to continue show some sign of maturity. Some of the reason why i needed this help is because we have exhausted all the money we had as cash and we can only have cash after we release this consignment out from The Security and Finance Company which we are already under demmurrage and we dont want to invest this money here in Africa.
I will copy this mail to Her Royal Majesty just to show her my displeasures about everything but, bear in mind that i am not doing this to undermine any one but i want somebody to understand my plight here to give me an urgent assistance.
Expecting to hear from you, urgent.
My regards,
J. Mphoma.
Scam-o-note: Amidst the remarks about South African history and the reactionary rudeness of Lonslo Tossov - as imaginary a personality as J. Mphoma himself - note that "Mphoma" is not South African. Johannesburg is one of the most wired places in Africa, and a logical base for a Lad, and the police have made arrests there of Nigerian expatriates.
Now that we've worked it to death, the joke continues:
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 6:17:18 AM US/Pacific
Cc: Tossov
My dear Mphoma,
I have rebuked Agent Tossov. In his haste to forward this transaction, he has over-stepped the mark on this occassion.
Please be aware that we are working very hard to ensure you receive exactly what you deserve. The Royal Family holds you in such high esteem that Her Majesty is considering awarding you with The Order of the Bed-Pan, an honour bestowed upon a select few.
We shall be with you shortly and $50,000 will be given to you.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
[The formatting was really strange, & has been cleaned up for your reading pleasure]
Dear Lady Agatha,
Here is the attached details of the hotel reservation as you requested.
Please do get back to me.
thanks for your kind co-operations.
Regards,
J.Mphoma.
Dear Johnson
PLEASE NOTE THAT THE HOTEL REQUIRES THE RESERVATION TO BE GUARANTEED WITHIN 72 HOURS AFTER MAKING THE RESERVATION. SHOULD WE NOT RECEIVE THE GUARANTEE, THE HOTEL RESERVES THE RIGHT TO CANCEL THE RESERVATION WITOUT PRIOR NOTICE.
Due to security reasons, should you have booked any transfer with the Michelangelo Hotel, the driver awaiting the guest at the airport will no longer be displaying the name of that particular guest. The driver will only be carrying a Michelangelo Hotel sign board displaying the name of the hotel, but will have the client's name with him to re-confirm with the client on arrival.
Should you have booked transfers through the Michelangelo Hotel and should you encounter any difficulties finding the driver at the airport, kindly phone them on 884 8445.
Please note that the driver will be carrying a display board with the Michelangelo Hotel's Logo and Name only. Due to security reasons no guest names will be displayed at all.
Kindly note that all transfers and or any changes to transfers already booked must be requested in writing to 011 282 7171 / michelangelo@legacyhotels.co.za.
We are proud to confirm you reservation. Please verify the following information:
Name : A Bristol, L Tossov and A Miracsky
Accommodation : 3 x Superior Single Rooms
Confirmation No : 273160 / 273161 / 273162
Arrival Date : 27/11/03
Departure Date : 01/12/03
Rate : R1900.00 per room per night on room only basis
All rates exclude 1% tourism levy and breakfast
Billing Instructions : Account to be settled direct on departure.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS ONLY A PROVISIONAL BOOKING, TO GUARANTEE PLEASE COMPLETE THE CREDIT CARD DETAILS AS REQUESTED BELOW AND FAX IT BACK TO 011 282 7171
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 6:20:07 AM US/Pacific
Cc: Lonslo Tossov
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you so much for making the reservation. But Single Superior rooms won't do, old chap. We must have a suite each.
Can nothing be done? We are arriving in a few hours.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I dont understand your position right now where you people are well, i have made reservation in one the finest five star Hotel here called MICHEALANGELO in Santon. It was booked for payment to be made on arrival. I will be expecting to receive your mail so that you can give me your telephone details to contact you.
Expecting to receive you.
Regards,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 6:18:31 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your e-mail. It is a pleasure to hear from you.
Stand by, there's a good chap.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady,
We dont have much time to start re-arranging but i belive that the hotel can arrange the suites i dont think we will have much problem on that. but i will still remind them to stand by for the needs as soon as you arrive.
Always my best regard,
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Fri Nov 28, 2003 8:53:28 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
That would be satisfactory.
We are now in your charming little country, and are speeding towards Johannesburg. We had a small episode with a couple of what can only be described as grotty little cave-dwellers but a Walther PPK can be most persuasive in situations such as these.
I cannot tell you exactly where we are due to security concerns (we are being tracked by satellite).
At this late stage I would suggest that we use pseudonyms at the hotel to prevent any security problems.
Do you have any thoughts on this matter?
Yours in anticipation,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I am surprise that you are here anyway just tell me exactly what you need me to do inform me immediately.
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Mon Dec 1, 2003 1:41:05 AM US/Pacific
My dear fellow,
Why are you surprised? Her Majesty's word is her bond. It is a little disappointing to hear you say this, old boy. We have spent thousands of pounds flying into your little territory, we have for you $50,000, some Italian suits and a wristwatch made by Frank Spencer & Sons, Her Majesty's manufacturer of timepieces, and you express surprise that we have turned up at all.
Perhaps we are wasting our time after all. We can turn round and go home if that is your wish.
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I have been expecting to hear from you since last saturday but could not hear anything from you. In this situation now i want to know where you are so as to meet you in person. I will also want you to contact me on phone on this number 083487-0089 to explain to me your position.
Waiting to hear from.
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Dec 2, 2003 1:29:28 AM US/Pacific
My dear Mphoma,
Thank you for your e-mail. As always, it is a real pleasure to hear from you.
We have decided to check into a different hotel, as we felt the one you recommended was a little shabby. It may have been suitable for your village elders but as members of the royal party - carrying $50,000 in cash - we felt that we needed somewhere a little more fitting.
Here are the details:
PALAZZO JOHANNESBURG MONTECASI
Montecasino Boulevard
Fourways, Private Bag X125, Bryanston
JOHANNESBURG, 2021
SOUTH AFRICA
We are in Suite 69. We are under Agent Tossov's pseudonym, ISA WANKER. The reception staff, who are discreet, are aware of our presence.
I look forward to meeting you.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I received all the information and we will be coming there by 5.15pm.
See you then.
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Dec 2, 2003 3:58:30 AM US/Pacific
My dear Johnson,
This is excellent news. We look forward to meeting you. But please, do not draw attention to yourself by wearing a tribal costume or performing a rain dance.
Discretion is our watchword, old fruit.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I have been trying to get hold of you atleast before coming, but the suite number you gave me is not in existence why are you not allowing me to contact you on phone before coming to see you.
I dont want to make myself a fool standing before the receiption without knowing what to do in presence of guest. I insist that you give me a correct information to enable me to meet you as suggested.
I am waiting to hear from you or you can give me a call without it i am sorry i will not be coming there to see you.
Waiting to hear from you.
J. Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Tue Dec 2, 2003 7:49:52 AM US/Pacific
My dear Johnson,
This is most irregular.
We shall meet you in the bar at 5.30 for a sherry. Agent Tossov will give you a briefcase with the $50,000.
As ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
Dear Lady Agatha,
I have seen your mail,thank you very much.
What I want you to konw right now is that if you can not be able to release your phone details on how to contact you in the hotel,please you have to bether go back where you come from with your $50,000.00.
Then i can now look for someone else to do this for me okay old cargo.
Hope to hear from you if you like.
J.Mphoma.
LADY AGATHA BRISTOL, CBE
Date: Wed Dec 3, 2003 1:42:45 AM US/Pacific
Subject: Looking forward to meet you in person. - COUP DE GRACE
My dear 419 Scammer Mphoma,
There's a very good reason we're not in South Africa. It's because we've known from day one you're a semi-literate fat old man in a cheap jacket, sitting in some Lagos internet cafe with a revolting old cigar hoping some fool will fall for your pathetic 419 scams.
Do you honestly believe that anyone with half a brain would fall for your stupid con, written in pre-school English? Obviously not, because we've been stringing you along for 2 and a half months now, and you've given us and the readers of the leading anti 419-scam website a damned good laugh. Oh, and the Fraud Squad have your details too.
Congratulations, slick - you've been duped by the Foreign Office.
Have a nice day.
The Special Operations Department
JOHNSON MPHOMA (j_mphoma2001@yahoo.com)
My dear lady british,
You thought this is another coloniasm Africans are now wiser than you people thought, you must thank your God otherwise that would have another repariation which you stupid europenas must have to pay for all the ills and attrocity you have committed in this continent of ours.
You can go to hell and rust you stupid pink pig.
I have already forwarded to the FBI your informations have a bad day.
...later on, at the club...
Lady Agatha's secretary wrote:Pink pig? Is that the same as a pink elephant but less expensive?
Lady Agatha replied:
My dear fellow,
Thank you for your note.
As always, it's a pleasure to hear from you.
I have no idea what this simple tribesman is getting at, old thing. I would imagine it's some kind of local curse, but I'm sure we don't have anything to be concerned about.
Perhaps we shall see you and Sir Marmite later at Annie's Bar for a sherry?
Yours ever,
Lady Agatha Bristol, CBE
Head of Special Operations, Foreign Office, London
Now you might think that would be the end of that. Maybe. Johnson Mphoma will be hearing from potential "victims". Stay tuned for more adventures from Team Agatha as the Lads' rolodex gets a well-deserved spinning. A collaboration of David Mamet (not) and Alan Ayckbourne (not) .