AS THE SCHNITZEL TURNS

updated june 13

Too bad, "Dr Mark" apparently reads Scamorama and has no sense of humor. Others wouldn't give up so easily - maybe Dr Mark has other, more promising leads? But can he be sure? Boy it's hard to make a living these days scamming people out of their savings.

From the Kindly Contributor last seen in Pastor Purvis
:

Hallo!

As a longtime reader and one-time kindly contributer, I was searching for a truly funny submission.

Sadly, our Lads are getting smarter and some of my more outrageous attempts quickly petered out.

But one day, I got a letter that a GERMAN bank customer died! Ach du lieber!
Being German myself, I decided to reschpond with my finest Colonel Klink--Dieter from Sprockets --
Insert your German Stereotype here-- persona.

Feel free to use the name Richard DeLarge, it's not my name...

DR MARK AKPU

From the Desk of: Dr.Mark Akpu

UNIVERSL TRUST BANK PLC, NIGERIA .

ATTN: MANAGING DIRECTOR/CEO,

Sir/Madam,

Permit me to introduce myself to you. My name is Dr.Mark Akpu Manager with Universal Trust Bank Plc, Lagos-Nigeria.

I came to know about you in my private search for a reliable person/company to handle a confidential transaction on behalf of my Colleagues and myself.As a matter of fact, I got your information from the Nigerian Chamber of Commerce and Industry/Nigerian Export Promotion Council.

Proposition A German Mr. Wolfgang Schinister, 66 years of age and a prosperous oil merchant had in our Bank the sum of US$35.5m in a domiciliary account. He named his wife, Mrs. Helga Schinister as the next of kin. Unfortunately, two of them were killed in the recent plane crash involving concord AF4590 in Gonesse, France.

blah blah blah ... 35 million, 20% to you, 23 skidoo...

I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me.

Best Regards.

Dr. MARK AKPU.

What is doubly funny is that "Schinister" is not even a German name. No German would carry a name like that!

RICHARD DeLARGE

Hallo Herr Dokter Akpu,

I havfe read your letter mit der great interest. You see, I am German, und mein Englishe ist not so good, but I could easily in place stand for zis personliche, Herr Schinister.

It vould be a tragedy to havfe dis moneys and gelt go to buy weapons fur za killingk auf peoples.

Danke fur reposing your trust me, I will vill be happy to help mit dis problem.

Alles beste,

Richard DeLarge

I think this no "speekee dee English" prevents the required phone call, ja?

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Richard DeLarge,

Thank you for your response to my proposal and willingness to assist me in this transaction.Your English does not matter.At least I can always understand when you write.Please send your personal data so that we can commence immediately.

What is required of you is to stand in as the beneficiary of the funds being a foreigner.That is as the next of kin.

I have done the relevant underground work to enable you assume that status and therefore the beneficiary of the funds.Be assured that neither you nor I shall be implicated as a result of our involvement in this transaction.There is no problem at all and nothing to be afraid of.

The services of an Attorney shall be used to process the relevant documents and also follow up with the transaction to facilitate the approvals.Note also that the Attorney does not know that this is a deal between us and does not have to know.

For us to proceed,you need to send your full particulars (full names,address,company name if any,private telephone and fax numbers).

As soon as the above information is received, I will forward same to the Attorney to enable him submit payment application ( letter of claim) with the information you have supplied for the release of the funds.Of course the Attorney's particulars will be sent to you for easy cordination.

Thereafter, he will commence with the processing of the relevant payment release documents as required by the relevant Government Agencies.

When these documents are obtained and submitted as required, approvals shall be given by these Agencies.Then your payment file shall be sent / forwarded to the Federal Ministry Of Finance ( FMF) for final clearance/approval in your favour. You shall then be contacted directly as the beneficiary for the release of the funds.

Note that the transaction is 100% risk free. The source of the funds is of non criminal origin and not of drug related deals.However,the need to keep the transaction confidential cannot be over-emphasized.

I wish to urge you to co-operate fully with me for the successful completion of the transaction. It is mutually beneficial and for me ,a once in a life time opportunity to be elevated.

You can call me on phone +234 802 310 9294 for more details and clarification.

Expecting to hear from you.

Best wishes,

Mark.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Hallo Herr Dokter Akpu,

Danke fur your answer. We Germans are a very precise peoples und like order and organization.

Heir ist mein adresse:

Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge
154 Schickelgruber Strasse.
Saxon-Mit-Strudel
Germany (Deutchland, uber Alles!)
D-72793

I could give you mein phone number, but conversation vould be impossible, unless you spoke fluent Schwabishe. Much auf zis letter is written mit ein Komputer Translager.

You see, Germany has many dialects, yes, und I only speak the Schwabishe dialect. Schwabishe is za most perfect language, spoken by the gods and heroes auf ancient times. Do you know ze story auf Seigfried und za Ring auf Die Niebelung? It is a wunderbar story of a Great German Hero and his adventures.

As a doctor, I am sure zat you must haf schudied such epic Wagnerian Opera.

I await your response und look forward to the opportunity zat zis moneys will give to you, und me und to die future auf za Vaterlandt!

Seig Heil,

Richard DeLarge

Note: many of these German words are not really German. Schwabish really is a German dialect.

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Richard,

I am in receipt of your particulars, thank you. Be informed that the processing of the transaction has commenced.I have submitted the application on your behalf with your particulars as you sent it.

You are very correct, you talaphone number may not be necessary since you do speak English and I cannot speak your language either.

Please I will like you to comfirm your ability to travel to Amsterdam,Netherlands to sign the payment release documents and receive the funds over there.This is very important for the finalisation of the transaction.You do not need to be worried about your English when going there.

I will send the relevant payment release documents you need to travel with to Amsterdam.

Expecting to hear from you.

Best wishes,

Mark.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Richard DeLarge, gets his lederhosen in a twist at not be addressed properly

Hallo Herr Doktor Akpu,

I wish to addresse some auf zis points in your e-mail.

markakpu@hotmail.com wrote:
Dear Richard,

German people are not like other peoples of za world. We do not immediately call each other by za first name all freundlich-like und such. In Germany, we address each other by our titles und names. You vill notice that you are a doktor, und so I address you as Herr Doktor. My title is Oberbootsmanführer, a position I worked very hard. In future e-mails, please address me as "Herr Oberbootsmanführer DeLarge". I am in receipt of your particulars,thank you. Be informed that the processing of the transaction has commenced.I have submitted the application on your behalf with your particulars as you sent it. Excellent.

You are very correct,you talaphone number may not be necessary since you do speak English and I cannot speak your language either.

Germans are always correct, it is our national manner. Both at zis time, und für all times. It is my hope that one day you vill schpeak my language, and that all people of all nations vill shpeak one language togezer. Please I will like you to comfirm your ability to travel to Amsterdam,Netherlands to sign the payment release documents and receive the funds over there.This is very important for the finalisation of the transaction.You do not need to be worried about your English when going there.

Ze Nederlanders do speak a language similar to my own, but not za same. Why must I go to Nederlands to sign za forms? Why can't you post them to me? Why can't I accept payment in my Deutchebank in Reichsmarks?

If travel to Amsterdam is required, I vill go, aber bitte show mich WHY I must to for to taking zis trip? I will send the relevant payment release documents you need to travel with to Amsterdam.

You vill send zis before I go to Amsterdam, ya? Also, vill you be there also?

I look forward to your reschponse,

Alles beste und Sieg Heil,

H. ObFhr. Richard DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Dr Akpu gets humble with his bad self.

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer DeLarge, Thank you for your mail.The issues raised in your mail were well understood.

First of all I sincerely apologise for having to address you by your first name,it was an error on my part.I beg your pardon.

You are right,I forward to speaking your language some day.And hope that the whole world will speak one language some day.It will be wonderful.

Yes,it is very important you travel to Netherlands.I had to chose that option because it will be easier for you to travel to Netherlands than coming to my country.It is primarily required for the beneficiary of the funds to sign the documents in the presence of the officials.The documents are classified documents and cannot be posted.And it is not within my power to authorise such.It is also very good because it gives the opportunity to personally direct the officials to assist you in the lodgement of the funds in your bank.It is equally very good because it will be a cash payment with adequate security provided for you.

I will prefer you travel to finalise the transaction.I will make arrangement to be with you in Netherlands depending on my work schedule and how soon I am given visa.Otherwise,my personal assistant will come.

However,note that I do not want the officials to know that this transaction was initiated by me.This is because every document has been prepared in your name as the beneficiary and it is official.So you do not have to tell the officials that you know me by the time you are contacted.All you have to do is to follow their instuction and the transaction will be successfully completed.

The processed documents shall be sent to you before you travel.That is what you will present to the officials to show that you are the beneficiary of the funds.Your identification is also very important.You will use your International Passport or Driver's licence for identification.I will urge you to work towards trvelling before the end of next week.

Take good care of yourself and good luck.

Expecting to hear from you.

Best wishes,

Dr.Mark.

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer DeLarge,

Our project refers.

I wish to confirm if you actually got my mail of yesterday?I have been eager to hear from you since morning.

The documents have been successfully completed in your name as the beneficiary of the funds.I will send them to you on Monday next week.

I would like to inform you that you may be contacted any moment from today for the finalisation of the transaction.Please ensure to co-operate fully with the officials when they contact you.Incase there is anything you do not understand from the officials,please do not hesitate to notify me immediately so that we can look at it together.

Note that this is a very crucial stage of the transaction and should be handle well.I know that you are well able to handle it well considering your years of experience in business.

Expecting to hear from you soon.

Best wishes,

Mark.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Dokter Akpu,

Apologize for me mine delay in reschponding to your e-mail, aber I vas ins mine country estate in Berchdesgarten bei Obersalzberg.

I speak with my Air Travel agent, Goebbels and he has arranged for a flight a week from this Wednesday

I will be on LUFTHANSA CITYLINE Flight LH5908 from Munich, arriving in Amsterdam at 16:30. Vill you arrange for someone to collect me? However, I vould like to see za papers before I go. I underschtand me, ya?

I vould like too see za papers.

My many years in business, I vas a dealer in marzipan. Do you have marzipan in your county? Do you like marzipan? It is the zentral pre-occupation of mine life, ya?

Sieg Heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanführer DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer DeLarge,

I am happy to hear from you again.I was almost scared of what may have happened to you or yours.I am glad you are alright.

The documents will be sent to you tomorrow.I have taken note of your flight schedule.Please confirm if you have been contacted by the paying office in Amsterdam?

Expecting to hear from you.

Best wishes,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Oberbootsmanführer wants more...why doesn't he say "Seig Heil?"

Herr Dokter Akpu,

I am fine, danke. Germany ist ein safe country. My country home ist a vonderful place to schpend za veekend.

I have recieved no documents.

I have not been contacted by za paying office.

Danke fur taking note of my mein flight, aber vill you be arranging for my collection at za airport?

Bitte, we must be specific in these matters.

You mentioned that you wished to learn my language. You can introduce yourself to me by saying, "Ich bin ein ..." and then your name or country or title.

For example, the American President Kennedy came to Berlin und said "Ich bin ein Berliner". "Berliner" ist also za namen of a tasty German pastry. When he said, "Ich bin ein Berliner" za people were very happy, for they were hungry too!

When I was in za Marzipan business, I would often introduce myself as, "Ich bin ein Marzipaner".

Alles klar? Do you underschtandt?

Please include some German that I have learned you.

Seig Heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanfuhrer R. v. DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Dr. Mark learns German!

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanfuhrer DeLarge,

Ich bin ein Dr.Mark Akpu from Nigeria saying how are you doing?

Danke for your mail.I am happy to learn that your country home is a wonderful place,I long to visit there as soon as the transaction is successfully completed.Do you spend every weekend there?

There is no problem,I am sure they will contact you soon.Just be expecting to hear from them and please inform me as soon as you hear from them.And incase there is anything you do not understand by the time you are contacted,please do not hesitate to let me know of it.It is said that two heads is better than one.

I have been calling the Lawyer's office since morning to get him to send the documents to me so that I can send them like I promised but was told that he went to court.I got him on phone not quite long but it was late,he has promised to send them to me first thing tomorrow morning.I will send them by attachment to you as soon as I receive them.The original documents are in your file and must have been forwarded to Amsterdam as well.

Please bear with me.

I am very glad to learn your language,danke.

Seig Heil,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

Herr Oberbootsmanfuhrer gets letter from City Security signed by Murphy Brown (insert your own joke here) using a Word Template. It says to bring 22,500 Euros along for handling, because they like to handle 22,500 eros. To which he says:

RICHARD DeLARGE

Dear Sirs.

Danke.

I have recieved ze papers and they seem in ordnung.

Seig Heil,

Hr. OberbootsmanführerR. v. DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Dr Mark wants to know if he got the papers...

Dear Herr OberbootsmanführerR. v. DeLarge,

I want to apologise for the disappointment again today.As a matter of fact,I have been trying to upload the documents in order to send them to you as attachment but have not succeeded yet. Could you please send your fax number to make it a bit easier for me?

What is happening?Have you been contacted from Amsterdam yet? I wonder why the delay in contacting you? The Lawyer informed me today that they are supposed to have contacted you since Monday this week.Please do not hesitate to notify me as soon as you hear from them.There may be something you will not understand by the time you are contacted,which I can explain/handle to avoid any form of mistake.

Are still going to your country home to spend this weekend? Please get back to me as soon as you finish reading this mail.

I wish to thank you for the lesson you have taken me through-learning your language.I need to know more.I even thought my wife "Ich bin ein ..."

Expecting to hear from you.

Seig Heil,(Best wishes,)

Dr.Mark Akpu.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Oberbootsmanführer is filled mit joy!

Herr Dokter Akpu,

It fills me with great joy to read that your are speaking my language. I am much more of you trusting now.

Ze Security Company contacted me und all ze arrangements have been maked und ze papers have been sent.

Zer are zum final issues we muscht klear before I leave ze Fatherlandt.

1) Will you or your assistant be collecting me at za airport? Bitte make ze arrangements und contact me.

2) What hotel will I be staying at? Again, Bitte make ze arrangements und contact me. I prefer a four star hotel.

3) Ze letter said you must bring 22, 250 euros. Again, Bitte make ze arrangements to have ze euros ready.

In response to your question, I try to shpend ze weekend at my weekend home as often as I can. Sometime I entertain guests or have a lady bei me.

Seig heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanführer R. v. DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Dr Mark does not seem to HAVE zee money!

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge,

I am in receipt of the good news,danke.Have you responded to their message?You have to contact them and give them your flight schedule and ask if they could pick you from the airport.I dont know how possible that will be but it will be good you communicate it to them to make it easier for us.

Please note that I am doing my best to make sure my assistant joins you in Amsterdam for the completion of the transaction.Neither I nor my assistant has been to Amsterdam before.We do not as yet know which hotel he will stay.

Please note that at present I do not have that kind of money.I have spent so much money to process the transaction to this crucial stage.I did not have enough money,so I had to borrow in order to make sure that the transaction is approved in your favour.That is why we have not been able to make hotel arrangement in Amsterdam.The only money in my hand now is about 2,500 dollars which is the money I have kept for ticket to Amsterdam and BTA.

I want to appeal that you help me out.Please try to arrange the money they have requested for so that we will not have any more problem finalising the transaction successfully.Please kindly do this for our benefit.I know you can help me to make the payment,please do not relent.

Time is not on our side.You have to salvage the situation.

Expecting to hear from you.Endeavour to respond as soon as possible.

Seig heil,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

and again:

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Herr OberbootsmanführerRichard DeLarge,

How are you today? Our project refers.

Please I am eager to hear from you so that we can know how best to complete the transaction successfully.You are meant to travel tomorrow going by your flight schedule sent to me last week.I do hope you can arrange for the money like I wrote in my mail of yesterday in order to be able to keep to appointment.

Awaiting your mail.

Have a nice day.

Dr.Mark.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Oberbootsmanführer gives orders to the Security Company to pick him up....

Hallo,

This evening at 16:30, I will be arriving at Lufthansa Terminal on Flight LH5908 from Munich. Please make arrangements for someone to collect me at ze Airport.

Usually when I travel overseas, I have a driver meet me at the gate. Please ensure zat ze driver holds up a sign with my name und title. I work hard for my title und I expect to be addressed as such.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Seig Heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanführer R. DeLarge

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Oberbootsmanführer tells Doctor Mark to send HIM 2 grand!

Her Dokter Akpu,

I am very disappointed zat you do NOT haf ze money.

You said in ze beginning zat this was a risk free transaction, und yet you have no money.

You ask me to purchase a plane ticket, rent a hotel room und take my time to travel to Amsterdam und you don't have the money? Und, you vill only give me a small percentage after zat?

Sind sie ein kartoffelkopf?

Please sent me 2,000 dollars as a show of good faith, or za deal ist offen.

Seig Heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanführer R. DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Doctor Mark is a kartoffelkopf....

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge,

Danke for your mail.I am very,very sorry.Please do not be disappointed in me.I did not mean to make you angry.I never envisaged that I will not be able to take care of everything.Please bear with me.

I am very willing to increase your share of the funds.How many percentage will you like me to make?I can put it into writing as soon as you tell me.We are partners and I will not want you to be unhappy with what you are getting.I am a man of integrity and appreciate mutual respect.Danke for expressing your mind.

That the transaction cannot be successfully completed without you is no gain say.I very much appreciate you and very proud to be associated with you.Please go ahead and complete the transaction as scheduled.I will make arrangement to deposit this US$2,000.00 dollars locally with the Federal Ministry of Finance so that it can be forwarded to the Security Company immediately.I will get the Lawyer to do that this afternoon.

Please inform them that your Lawyer in Nigeria will send US$2,000.00 on your behalf this afternoon.

Please endeavour to contact me as soon as you arrive in Amsterdam.I will be with you in spirit praying for the success of the transaction.I am very certain it will go well.Give the officials full co-operation.They will assist you to lodge the money in a bank for onward transfer to your account in Germany.

Expecting to hear from you.

Sieg heil,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

CITY SECURITY

City Security fills us mit confidence, especially the signature...But they will send someone to pick us up.

Dear Mr. Delarge,

We are in receipt of your mail, confirming your arrival today, please be informed that we will despatch our protocol officer to meet with you on arrival at the airport and will give you all the neccessary assistance from there.

Furthermore, we have this afternoon received information from Nigeria saying that .2.000 will be remitted on your behalf today, please make sure you will have the balance of .20.500 as balance of the charges, please also make sure you have the other requirements as stated in our first letter to you.

You are welcomed to Amsterdam!

Ms Saskia De Bruijn

Operations

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DR MARK AKPU

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge,

I have passed the information to the Lawyer and he has confirmed that he has already done the needful.

I am trying my best to raise money for ticket so that my Assistant can meet you in Amsterdam.I don't how possible this will be but I want to assure that I will do my best.

Which hotel will you be staying?How many days are you meant to be in Amsterdam?Confirm please.Please let me have enough information so that he will not have problem reaching you.Like I informed you,he has never been there before.

I am anxiously waiting to hear from you.

Sieg heil,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Oberbootsmanführer tells the security company he is coming mit ze money!

Hallo,

Alles klar.

I will haf the balance of the 20.500 euros with me. Bitte have the protocol officer meet my flight, and as mein eyes are not so gut, please have a sign with my name (und title) on it, preferable in large letters so I can see it, ja.

I am leaving now for za flughaven.

Seig Heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge

RICHARD DeLARGE

Herr Oberbootsmanführer tells the Dr Mark he is coming mit ze money!

Herr Dokter Akpu,

I am leaving for za aiport in just a moment.

I am very aufgeschmertzed zat you haf nich arranged fur mein hotel stay in Amsterdam.

Danke fur sending the $2,000 on ahead of me, zis givens mich confidence in you.

I am very exited about za money and it what it will mean for me, our movement und za Fatherlandt!!

Seig Heil,

Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge,

Thank you for your mail.Please ensure to get in touch with the Security Company from the Airport as soon as you arrive.

The arrangement would have been better if you can check into a hotel and give them your room number so that they can meet you over there.It very important they don't miss you at the Airport.Better still,you can call them on phone from the there to let them know you are there already.When you call them,just mention your name.And also tell them the colour of your suit for identification.

Danke for your commitment and understanding.

Expecting to hear from you.

Seig hiel,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

FRAULEIN HELGA

Since Herr Oberbootsmanführer has left, Helga his secretary picks up the dialog.

Hallo,

I am Helga, Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge's secretary.

Der Oberbootsmanführer will expect to be met at the airport on arrival. If no one is there (he can be very difficult man) he may decide to fly home. He has done this before.

He is a very old-style German, very exact and precise in manner.

Seig Heil,

Fraulein Helga Grossenbruscht

Note: Grossenbruscht could be loosely translated into "large breasts".

DR MARK AKPU

Dr Mark promises gifts for Helga!

Hi,

Thank you for the information.

I am not in Amsterdam.Please kindly call him to make sure he wait for them at the Airport.It would have been very good if they know what colour of suit he is on.However,contact him if you can and inform him of the need to call them possibly so that they can know that he is there.We are not doing them any favour,instead they are rendering a service that is very important to us,me particulerly.

Tell him not to return please until he has successfully completed the transaction.I know he will surely call to inform you of his safe arrival.You have to wait and make sure everything goes well.

I will have a very good present for you when I come to Germany upon the successful completion of the transaction.

Thank you for your assistance.

Dr.Mark Akpu.

and then:

DR MARK AKPU

Dear Helga,

Please this transaction is very important and you have to help us cordinate it.Please tell him to wait even if he did not see them today.He can contact them by mail so that he can finalise the process.

I am very worried and anxious.Tell him to send a mail to me so that I can know the status.

Best wishes,

Dr.Mark.

FRAULEIN HELGA

It seems one of our Oberbootsmanführers is missing....

Hallo,

I am Helga, die secretary.

Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard DeLarge has nicht called mich on der phonen.

His flight must have landed three hours ago. Did the security company meet him? He gave them strict instructions und they said they would send out their protocol office to collect him.

Do have a number for the security company? Is it a mobile number (316, 318-19, 3116)? Because calling a mobile number from Germany requires a special code, und I don't have za code.

It must be 3120 number....

Seig Heil,

Fraulein Helga Grossenbruscht

and then:

FRAULEIN HELGA

Herr Dokter Akpu,

Ich bin ein Helga.

I just sent you an e-mail about Herr Oberbootsmanführer! I know nothing, nothing! about where he is or whom collected him.

Worried und anxious be I also!

You said you woukld bring ein present when you come to Germany? What will you bring mich? Are you single? I am unmarried and it hard to find a good man. If you sent me your picture, I will sent you mine.

I work for Herr Oberbootsmanführer, that is all. He is a very respected man.

Seig Heil,

Fraulein Helga Grossenbruscht

DR MARK AKPU

It seems Doctor mark isn't buying Helga...

Dear Herr Oberbootsmanführer Richard Delarge,

I am confused and somewhat disappointed.How come your "secretary" have access to your private email box?Initially,I beleived but I have taken time to study the language and I am very much in doubt of "her" claim.

Why should you do this to me?I have put my resoucrces into this transaction and even had to borrow to be able to get the transaction to this stage.I want to appeal that you do not jeopardise my chances of realising the transaction.You have to be very careful with what you send to the Security company please.I do not want them to start suspecting that this is perhaps a deal.I have secured the vital approvals in line with due process.The transaction must be realised.

I have resorted to prayers.Let God take control of the situation.I want to sound it very clear that I mean good for you and I.

Expecting to hear from you.

Best wishes,

Dr.Mark Akpu.

FRAULEIN HELGA

But Helga isn't giving up without a fight...

Herr Dokter Akpu,

Ich bin ein Helga.

As Herr Oberbootsmanführer's secretary, I have complete access to both his e-mail, his banke accounts, power of attorney, etc... My family und his family has lived in same village for as long as anyone can remember, over 500 years or more.

Herr Oberbootsmanführer speaks very little English, und cannot write in English. All za letters you recieved were getranslateired by mich!

Now, I am considering calling the police, as Herr Oberbootsmanführer has not called und you have not given me a number to call the Security company whose protocol officer was supposed to collect him.

It is 10 pm and I am shaking in tears. Please send me the phone number (my seconds request) so I kann find our beloved Oberbootsmanführer. The job market ist nicht so gut in Germany, und if anything happened to Herr Oberbootsmanführer, I would be work loose.

Seig Heil,

Fraulein Helga Grossenbruscht

What will happen next?

Will Helga find true love?
Will Herr Oberbootsmanführer get lost in the cathouses of Amsterdam?
Will Dr Mark learn more German?

All this and more in "AS THE SCHNITZEL TURNS!"
THE LADS ARE REGULAR READERS :-)

I actually got an e-mail this morning from Dr Mark (who read the letter on Scam-o-rama), it simply said,

"YOU ARE A BASTARD".

That's love.

Keep up the good work.

All the best,

der Oberbootsmanführer


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