22 July 2006

Greetings
I am a Fund Manager with Fidelity Investment UK and I handle all our Investor's Capital Project Funds that enables me to divert 1.2% Investors Excess Return Capital Funds to our Magellan Trust Funds Account whereby anyone can be presented to claim the funds. On this note, the total sum of US$34.5 has been diverted representing the 1.2% Excess Return Capital Funds from the Investor Capital Project Funds for 2005/2006.I need a reliable and trustworthy person that can work this deal out with me so that we can claim the funds as mentioned above. There is no risk attached and the funds in question can never be dictated or traced. Our sharing ratio is 70:30.
If you are interested, kindly reply back or call me on my direct telephone numbers for discussion of this deal in further details.
Sincerely.
Mr.Carlos Moreno

"[A] total sum of US34.5"?
Without actually tipping off the Lad, that seemed worth a taunt.

Dear Mr Moreno, I have read your message and, frankly, I am surprised by it. Your return seems to be meagre to the extreme and my share would not be worth the effort of collecting it. I do not understand the purpose behind this pointless proposal. Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

'Carlos' carries on regardless, with another load of boilerplate. Perhaps he thinks he's found a really rich maga...

24 July 2006

Dear Malcolm Reynolds,
In my First Email Proposal to you, I state that the said funds came out as a result of the following:
""I handle all our Investor's Direct Capital Funds and secretly extract 1.2% Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) per annum on each of the Investor's Magellan Capital Funds.
As an expert, I have made over $34.5m from the Investor's EMRCP and hereby looking for someone to trust who will stand as an Investor to receive the funds as Annual Investment Proceeds from Fidelity Magellan Capital Funds. All confirmable documents to back up the claims will be made available to you prior to your acceptance""
EXPLANATION
I have more than 158 Corporate Investors attached to my PORTFOLIO whose Capital Investment Funds are been managed and administered by me alone.
This Capital Investment Funds has a value of US$244Billion FIXED. The $244billion is been used for trading in Stock Market, Crude Oil and Lending with Profit Returns.
Every Years, each Corporate Investor is expected to receive 20% interest from his total Investment Capital Funds which is paid to the Investor annually as their Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP). However, I made average of 21.2% from the Investor's Investment Capital Funds annually which have exceeded our targeted 20% of Investment Total Investment Capital Funds. On this note, the extra 1.2% from the 21.2% is been retained by me as my personal profits for managing the Capital Investment.
In the other hands, I cannot claim this funds without presenting someone to stand as an Investor otherwise our Establishment will convert the funds into the Company's Treasury. This is why I come to you for the deal to take place.
TRANSACTION
I will opened a file in your name as our Investor with some documents to be backdated to qualify you as our Investor so as to claim the $34.5m.The file will be presented to our Governing Board Council for verification and approval and once your file is approved, you will contacted to come down for signing of the Investor’s Funds Release Order that will facilitate and expedite the transfer of the funds to your account through our Investment Bank. This is a fair deal without any risk attached on either on your part or on my part as long as we complied with the laws governing the claiming of funds in our establishment.
ATTORNEY SERVICES
I do not want you to come to sign the Investor's Funds Release Order because you cannot defend the source of the funds during the signing as our Managing Director may decide to ask you some questions which you may not answer correctly thereby jeopardizing the transaction. Therefore you will inform our establishment that you will not be able to come down for the signing due to some reasons and hereby to appoint an attorney to represent you for the signing.
DOCUMENTATION
I will attach the Investor's Funds Release Order for your completion and returning the completed copy to me through fax or email attachment as the attorney representing you will use the information to sign all documents in respect of this very payment on your behalf.
DURATION PERIOD
If you are very serious as I am,we will have this transaction conluded with 7-Banking Working days from the date of start.
REQUESTED INFORMATION:
Full Name:
Company Name:
Company business address:
Office Phone and fax:
Mobile Phone:
Copy of your International Passport:
If you have any question,feel free to contact me as you reply.
Kind Regards,
Sincerely.
Mr.Carlos Moreno.

Malcolm is still less than impressed

Dear Mr Moreno,
I understood your message perfectly. My comment stands.
Good day.
Malcolm Reynolds

Poor Carlos... he's finally got himself a filthy rich maga, but one who won't play along! Oh, the humanity!

25 July 2006

Dear Malcolm,
I received your email and i will like you to understand that this is an urgent transaction, so for this reason i will like to know your comment and position with this transcation .
Regards
Mr Carlos Moreno.

Mr Moreno,
I am not a patient man.
Nonetheless I will tell you again, politely; that your proposal is too minor a matter to be of any interest to me.
It would be pointless for you to contact me again.
Good day.
Malcolm Reynolds

It was sort of fun, but there it ended... until a new Lad entered the fray, with a strangely familiar modality.
For the record, his IP puts him in Lagos

04 August 2006

Fidelity Investments International
Oakhill house,
130 Tonbridge,
Hildenborough
Kent TN119DZ
United Kingdom.
I am Mr.Clive Whittaker,
The Fund Manager of Fidelity Investment International.The World Largest Fund Management Company with over å£1.2Trillion Capital Investment Fund.
Neverthless, as The Fidelity Fund Manager, I handle all our Investor's Direct Capital Funds and secretly extracted 1.2% Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) per annum on each of the Investor's Marginal Capital Fund.As an expert,I have made over å£45, 745, 000, 00 from the Investor's EMRCP and hereby looking for someone to trust who will stand as an Investor to receive the fund as Annual Investment Proceeds from Fidelity Marginal Capital Fund. All confirmable documents to back up the claims will be made available to you prior to your acceptance.
Meanwhile,I have worked out the modalities and technincalities whereby the funds can be claimed in any of our 6 Clearing Houses without any hitches.Our sharing ratio will be 50-50.
If you are interested,you should send your direct phone number so we could discuss more on phone as regard the transaction, N:B; Do not contact my office number or email for any reason,mainly for security purposes,all correspondence must be through this private box.+447024099852,+447024099864
Sincerely.
Mr.Clive Whittaker
www.fidelity-international.com

[When a scammer claims to be the head of Nigeria's central bank, you shouldn't believe that either. But you knew that.]

I'll let him down gently, shall I?

Dear Mr Whittaker,
Thank you for your message. I must decline your offer of partnership as your colleague Mr Moreno has prior claim on my business. Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Clive's setting up some much higher figures - more than twice what Carlos was offering. Apart from that, it's boilerplate.
Oh, and he won't take no for an answer either!

05 August 2006

Hello Malcolm Reynolds,
Good day and how are you today? I hope all is well with you today? I want to thank you for your response over this business proposal and also want say sorry for not calling you before sending this second e-mail.
In my First Email Proposal to you,I state that the said funds came out as a result of the following:I handle all our Investor's Direct Capital Funds and secretly extract 1.2% Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) per annum on each of the Investor's Magellan Capital Funds. As an expert, I have made over £45,745, 000, 00 from the Investor's EMRCP and hereby looking for someone to trust who will stand as an Investor to receive the funds as Annual Investment Proceeds from Fidelity Magellan Capital Funds. All confirmable documents to back up the claims will be made available to you prior to your acceptance""
EXPLANATION
I have more than 158 Corporate Investors attached to my PORTFOLIO whose Capital Investment Funds are been managed and administered by me alone.
This Capital InvestmentFunds has a value of £1.2Trillion FIXED. The £1.2Trillion is been used for trading in Stock Market, Crude Oil and Lending with Profit Returns.
Every Years, each Corporate Investor is expected to receive 20% interest from his total Investment Capital Funds which is paid to the Investor annually as their Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) However, I made average of 21.2% from the Investor's Investment Capital Funds annually which have exceeded our targeted 20% of Investment Total Investment Capital Funds. On this note, the extra 1.2% from the 21.2% is been retained by me as my personal profits for managing the Capital Investment.
In the other hands, I cannot claim this funds without presenting someone to stand as an Investor otherwise our Establishment will convert the funds into the Company's Treasury. This is why I come to you for the deal to take place.
TRANSACTION
I will opened a file in your name as our Investor with some documents to be backdated to qualify you as our Investor so as to claim the £45,745, 000,00.The file will be presented to our Governing Board Council for verification and approval and once your file is approved, you will contacted to come down for signing of the Investors Funds Release Order that will facilitate and expedite the transfer of the funds to your account through our Investment Bank. This is a fair deal without any risk attached on either on your part or on my part as long as we complied with the laws governing the claiming of funds in our establishment.
ATTORNEY SERVICES
I do not want you to come to sign the Investor's Funds Release Order because you cannot defend the source of the funds during the signing as our Managing Director may decide to ask you some questions which you may not answer correctly thereby jeopardizing the transaction. Therefore you will inform our establishment that you will not be able to come down for the signing due to some reasons and hereby to appoint an attorney to represent you for the signing.
DOCUMENTATION
I will attach the Investor's Funds Release Order for your completion and returning the completed copy to me through fax or email attachment as the attorney representing you will use the information to sign all documents in respect of this very payment on your behalf.
DURATION PERIOD
If you are very serious as I am,we will have this transaction concluded with 7-Banking Working days from the date of start and i also want to tell you that confidentiality is the success of this business.
REQUESTED INFORMATION:
Full Name:
Office Phone and fax:
Mobile Phone:
Copy of your International Passport:
If you have any question,feel free to contact me as you reply.
Here is my contact phone number: +447024099852,+447024099864
Kind Regards,
Mr Whittaker

Maybe this time he'll understand?

Mr Whittaker;
I must repeat; I have accepted Mr Moreno's offer of partnership in this matter.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Well, this Lad still won't take no for an answer. As expected, once off script, his English suffers a major loss of quality.
BTW - "my Bank does not have such name" - oops - he's not with a bank!

09 August 2006

Hello Malcolm Reynolds
Thank for your email ,sorry i do not understand what you mean by that you have accepted Mr moreno's offer.Pls, who is moreno and what do he do because i cannot remember my Bank does not have such name and i advise you be very carefull before you fall into the hands of the scammers. I want to tell you that all you have to do right now is to send me all your DATA so that i can open a portfolio profile for you in fidelity International Investment to qualify you as an Investor in my Bank.
Without that there is no deal..
So, all you have to do right now is to send all your DATA so that i will proceed with the preparation of the paper work all in your name immediately so as to be able to conclude this deal within the shortest time as planned.
You can also call me so we talk on phone concerning this deal. Below is my private numbers
I await your urgent response.
Kind Regards,
Mr Whittaker

Mr Whittaker,
I don't see what's so hard to understand.
Mr Carlos Moreno of Fidelity International approached me on a very similar deal.
I submitted my information to him as requested, and we are trying to work our way around the problem of my passport.
I suggest you talk to him about resolving this.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

"Clive" can only see another Lad trying to steal his maga.
"i contacted you because of my fasting and prayers" - he didn't mention those before

10 August 2006

Hello Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
I have just recieved your mail but i can see you do not seem to believe what i am trying to tell you and i am not just happy with what you are saying because you are making me waste my good time. My friend, you have to listen to me right now, go to the website and check if there is any thing like Mr Carlos Moreno of Fidelity International and i so much know i gave you the website in my proposal,So, go visit it so you will understand it and believe what i am saying.
Please, i contacted you because of my fasting and prayers but i can see you are not showing any seriousness, so if you are not interested in this proposal, just be a man and let me know than acting like a kid because i have worked out the modalities and would not want any person to waste my God's given time and Money.
I have been in this Banking sector for decades and i am too old for lies and i do not want to involve my self in any thing that will jeopardise the future of my family and myself but if you feel he is the right person, go ahead and carry out the deal but do not complain to me when he must have duped you.
I await for your urgent response. Call me immediately.
Regards,
Mr. Clive Whittaker

I followed the link, but couldn't find the guy...
As it turned out, I didn't look hard enough, but what the hell!

Mr Whittaker,
I followed the link you supplied and guess what? I couldn't find any reference to Carlos Moreno. But there's something else - Clive Whittaker ain't there either! So far, it's a zero-sum game - save that he didn't provide a link and you did.
Mr Whittaker,
you claim to be a veteran banker, yet your attitude is anything but professional. Phrases like "you have to listen to me right now" and "just be a man and let me know than acting like a kid" sound more like the words of a frustrated child.
I was faced with two well-argued proposals, and I wasn't going to dump the first one purely on your say-so.
Also - you refer to "fasting and prayers" - are you seriously telling me that's how you plan business? I'm surprised that you'd admit to such superstition.
That aside, we really have to clear the air. Before anything else, I need something that proves who you are.
Malcolm Reynolds

He didn't stay around...
But wait, there's more! And now, our third contestant, also from Lagos, with Clive's script.

15 August 2006

Fidelity Investments International
Oakhill house,
130 Tonbridge,
Hildenborough
Kent TN119DZ,
United Kingdom.
I am Mr.NICK HINDS ,
The Fund Manager of Fidelity Investment International.The World Largest Fund Management Company with over å£1.2 Trillion Capital Investment Fund.
Neverthless, as The Fidelity Fund Manager, I handle all our Investor's Direct Capital Funds and secretly extracted 1.2% Excess Maximum Return Capital Profit (EMRCP) per annum on each of the Investor's Marginal Capital Fund.
As an expert,I have made over å£45, 745, 000, 00 from the Investor's EMRCP and hereby looking for someone to trust who will stand as an Investor to receive the fund as Annual Investment Proceeds from Fidelity Marginal Capital Fund.All confirmable documents to back up the claims will be made available to you prior to your acceptance.
Meanwhile,I have worked out the modalities and technincalities whereby the funds can be claimed in any of our 6 Clearing Houses without any hitches.Our sharing ratio will be 50-50.
If you are interested,you should send your direct phone number so we could discuss more on phone as regard the transaction.
N:B; Do not contact my office number or email for any reason,mainly for security purposes,all correspondence must be through this private box.
Sincerely.
Mr.Nick Hinds

Same brush-off (almost).

Dear Mr Hinds,
Thank you for your message. I must decline your offer of partnership as your colleague Mr Whittaker has prior claim on my business.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

15 August 2006

Hello Mr. Malcolm Reynolds,
Please, can you clear me because i do not seem to understand what exactely you mean in your mail and do call me on : +44-702-402-6542, +44-702-402-7254
so we can talk if you are interested in this transaction.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

No harm in repeating myself here - let's see how he reacts

Mr Hinds,
I don't see what's so hard to understand - Mr Clive Whittaker of Fidelity International approached me on a very similar deal.
I submitted my information, and I am waiting for his response.
I suggest you talk to him about resolving this.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

He's a bit calmer than Clive, but still determined to keep other Lads away from his maga.
This is the first time that Nick uses the phrase "my brother" which, as far as I know, is not in common use among Anglo-Saxon Britains.

16 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I have already understood you before this mail after speaking with my collegue Mr Clive Whittaker. Actually, i did ask him to help me make the resarch while i was away on a seminar but coinsidentally i was also searching too and mistakenly got you as well.
Meanwhile, we have spoken and he was surpposed to have sent you mail since then but he had a problem with his box and now, we have resolved it so, you now send everything through this box and resend the information too so, i can fasten this transaction like he told you is ment to last only within 7 working banking days.
I will take care of all neccessary payments here in UK to procuring the documents in your name so you have nothing to worry, i have also spoken with the president of Fidelity Ivestment Coorperation and he has assured me that as long as he remains the president, that this transaction is a success. All you need to do now is send me again all the information so i can start geting the documents ready in your name for signing and be geting ready to travel to Madrid, Spain where you will recieve the Money in cash from our Clearing House.
Again, stop sending mails to that Mr Clive Whittaker's box because it is now useless and because of the problem it had, it is now so open for public to even write you from there. So, please do not even reply any massage from the box to avaoid scamers.
I await your urgent reply as soon as possible.
My regatrds to the family and my wife says hi too to the family.
Mr.Nick Hinds

A quick rewrite of one of Clive's replies.

Mr Hinds,
I think you'd better have another word with your colleague; he certainly ain't listening to you!
This is some of what I got just a few minutes ago: "Pls, who is nick hind and what do he do because i cannot remember my Bank does not have such name and i advise you be very carefull before you fall into the hands of the scammers.
I want to tell you that all you have to do right now is to send me all your DATA with yur intenational pasport so that i can open a portfolio profile for you in fidelity International Investment to qualify you as an Investor in my Bank. Without that there is no deal."
Could you please settle this right now?
If there's any business to be done I don't want office politics or just sheer bloody-mindedness messing it up.
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick directs me to a real website...

16 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I am very much happy for this massage and I am beginning to believe what our President told me that he has no good face for me. It's now I know whom I am dealing with and I assure you that I will have nothing to do with him anymore, because I got to tell him to help me because of my seminar and now, he wants to spoil my business. Any well, you have nothing to worry about this since I am now aware he is the one against my success.
I have told Fidelity Investment cooperation about this case and the board will be doing something about that soonest because I cannot just allow a mare junior staff to play behind my back.
All you need to do like I have told you is never to reply any more mails for him and his box anymore. He told me he could not reply your mail all these while because of the problem his box had but now I know he is just lying about the whole thing.
All you have to do now is to visit our website like I gave you and see who is telling the truth about this transfer. He is just my junior in the office. Open a Google.com page when it opens, copy the website (www.fidelity-international.com) and paste it on the page, when it opens, click on Welcome - Fidelity International, go to select your country and select United Kingdom, a new page will open that will say WELCOME TO FIDELITY then you click I'm an asset manager and click go. You will see pictures on the next page, click on anyone and tell me what you will see in your next mail.
My brother, I am very sorry for the embarrassment the idiot must have caused you and your family but just bear it with me that we have nothing again to do with him.
Just send me the required information and let's forge ahead.
I await your urgent reply as soon as possible.
My regards to your family.
Mr. Nick Hinds

"Clive" and "Nick" are trying to pass as two middle-class Caucasians, whose pictures appear on the real website

Mr Hinds,
I did as you suggested and I find you and Clive Whittaker side by side in that section.
Actually, he doesn't look like a junior staff member, in fact he looks older than you, but hey... He's still writing me - I have to admit I told him that you'd denounced him - and he wrote back: "I have recieved your mail but i can see you do not seem to believe what i am trying to tell you and i am not just happy with what you are saying because you are making me waste my good time.
My friend, you have to listen to me right now, i contacted you because of my fasting and prayers but i can see you are not showing any seriousness, so if you are not interested in this proposal, just be a man and let me know than acting like a kid because i have worked out the modalities and would not want any person to waste my God's given time and Money.
I have been in this Banking sector for decades and i am too old for lies and i do not want to involve my self in any thing that will jeopardise the future of my family and myself."
Do the staff at Fidelity Trust normally resort to superstition to make business plans?
If so, I'm not sure I'd want to be part of your business. A decade in the USMC left me with the firm conviction that prayer is no substitute for planning and preparation!
As for "required information" - you want to spell that out? Clive Whittaker wanted only name, address and bank details, do you need the same?
Malcolm Reynolds

17 August 2006

Hello my brother,
How is your family and business today?
It gives me much joy whenever I open my box to see your reply of my mail and that is why I always leave whatsoever I am doing to give you a reply immediately.
I instructed you to stop reading Mr. Clive Whittaker's mails in order not to get yourself confused about this transfer because as long as I am concerned and sure that you are serious too to help me transfer this fund, this transfer is already concluded.
To know who is saying the truth, He told you that there is no such name like Mr. Nick Hinds

in Fidelity Investment cooperation but what did I tell you and what did you find out?
As regard the looks issue, a 70years old man can look younger than a 65yrears old Man depending on the condition. He is there, side by side with me because I personally worked out his employment here in Fidelity when I was hoping he is my best pal.
Honestly, even before you wrote telling me about his not writing you, I was still taking him as my best despite all that my colleagues tell me about him but I just found out from this transaction that he is of a very bad face to me.
I do not see any reason for all this dragging for who is there and who is not there, all you have to do now is give me what I asked for and you receive this money latest on Wednesday from our clearing House in Madrid, Spain as soon as the President of Fidelity Investment Cooperation approves and sign the necessary documents needed to clear the fund there in Madrid, Spain without any question. As for the information, to prove to you he has no knowledge of the real transfer requirements because your account information he required is not legitimate since the scammers can easily use it to track you account.
It is only in the Clearing House where you will sign the documents for the final payment that you will give out your account information for them to deposited your fund as soon as you finish everything over with the clearing House in Madrid, Spain. You do not have to give out your account information to anybody outside the clearing house. You have to keep your account very secret. Do you understand?
My brother, all I need from you to make you an Investor of this fund is:
1: Full Name:
2: Company Name:
3: Your Company's Address:
4: A copy of your international Passport/Drivers license:
5: Date of birth:
6: Tele/ Mobile Number:
7: Fax Number:
8: Country of origin:
Which are the major information required by the Fidelity Investment approval board to qualify you as an Investor of Fidelity Investment Cooperation, UK before your file will be submitted to the President of Fidelity Investment Cooperation, UK for final signing and approval.
As soon as the documents are duly signed by the President of Fidelity Investment Cooperation, UK the approval board will give you the contact of the Clearing House in Madrid, Spain. Which will not be later than Tuesday, next Week?
I believe I have made everything very clear to you for your better understanding. So, it is left for you to do the right thing. If you are interested in carrying out this transaction with me, you here informed to forward to me your information and stop every correspondence with Mr. Clive Whittaker because he will end up deceiving you.
I await your reply as soon as possible.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

The passport matter is easily resolved; so is the driving licence (the crash is drawn from YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT).

Mr Hinds,
Well, you've made your case.
I still don't know what's going on inside Clive Whittaker's head, since he told such an easily disprovable lie about you. You'd think someone capable of such a stupid action wouldn't last too long in the office...
OK, let's clear some things up. Firstly, you referred to the "clearing house in Madrid, Spain" - thanks for clearing that up, before I ended up in Madrid, China, ha ha - just what's the deal here? Are you saying that I have to be in Spain? Secondly, you're asking for a scan of my passport - the answer is no. State Department regulations are quite clear on this; no scans, colour copies, or anything of that kind are allowed. My driving license is currently out of reach as it's in the hands of the local cops after a car crash - which, I might add, I wasn't responsible for - gorram local politics!
Back to you.
Malcolm Reynolds

18 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I have received your mail and I am so happy for your urgent response of the mail. How is your family and business?
Actually, for Mr. Clive Whittaker, I have reported his case to the board and I am sure he is going to be fully dealt with for such a bad character ever since the inception of the President of the Fidelity Investment Cooperation.
So, my brother, I am assuring you that his own is no case as long as the board is already aware of it and you will still see everything when the approval board will contact you via email with those documents needed to present to the Clearing House in Madrid, Spain.
Then, you will believe and know who is telling the truth.
My brother, I am telling you that you have to claim this fund on Wednesday from the Clearing House in Madrid, Spain where we have our clearing house Head branch. So, you will travel down to Spain precisely Madrid to receive this fund in cash.
My brother, I am so sorry for the car crash you said you had and because of that, your license went into the hands of the local cops but know you that you can send the passport through fax +44 7030404437 but if you cannot do that, just make sure you give me the passport number through mail because it is very important in procuring the documents in your name as I already told you.
So, you have to send me the information required so I will be able to start processing all the documents in your name and submit it to the Fidelity approval board now to avoid delay. Then I will pay them up here in UK for the processing of the documents in your name by tomorrow morning so you will stand to travel by latest Tuesday to Madrid, Spain as soon as the president of Fidelity investment Cooperation, UK signs those documents in your name as the Investor.
I await your urgent reply as soon as possible.
My regards to your family.
Mr. Nick Hinds

Another scambait A BLESSING IN DISGUISE inspired the teenage father reference. The "recent terrorist threat" refers to the plot in the UK to blow up airliners in flight.

Mr Hinds,
Since you've been wishing well to my family from the git-go, I guess I'd better fess up now; I don't have one - yet.
I have a steady girlfriend with every intention of marriage soon, but no kids - OK, not quite true.
I have a daughter, but not one I've spoken to for many, many years. I was a father at fourteen, with a girl slightly older. I'm not proud of that.
OK, that's enough detail... as for my business, let's say that's a work in progress.
Serenity Air Couriers hasn't been incorporated yet, and recent events have slowed things down. We're hoping for rollout on January 26 next year.
To more pressing matters; faxing my passport is not an option. It's just as out of the question as scanning or xeroxing. Failing that, my passport number will have to do:
M6848-523-US-7530-66-107-1001-R-01246-8047.
Now, I have to question your judgement here - but travelling to Spain on this short notice is gorram impossible, especially with the recent terrorist threat.
The other thing is, there is no way on God's good earth that I am going to go over there and pick up over £45 million (more than $100 million if my math is up to snuff) IN CASH! That is just so gorram absurd!
But in the meantime - the info you requested:
1: Full Name: Malcolm Paul Reynolds
2: Company Name: Serenity Air Couriers
3: Your Company's Address: 42 Airport Drive Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia
4: A copy of your international Passport/Drivers license: Not possible
5: Date of birth: June 6, 1968
6: Tele/ Mobile Number: (03) 9347 8666
7: Fax Number: Not enabled
8: Country of origin: United States of America
Let me know how this is going to be handled.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick is so caring and only wants the best for Malcolm...

18 August 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and business today? Your Phone number is not connecting, please give me the correct number with the country and state code so I can reach you on phone because I have tried it but it proved abortive.
I heard what you said about your family but I believe it is just a matter of time and you shall get your choice of a wife like you just said you have a serious girlfriend whom you intend to marry and I am very happy about that.
I guess your former wife divorced and made away with your daughter? Just endure it because it is what a man sees once in life time. My happiness is that you are making up something good about your life instead of thinking about them. I am also praying that Serenity Air Couriers shall soon be incorporated in Jesus name. Amen.
My good brother, I understand the condition of which you cannot send a copy of your passport but I believe the passport number you gave will be ok and I am very happy for that. You really tried in your Math but it is not exactly $100Million but about $86,416Million United States Dollars.
You know I love being honest in any thing I am doing because I have always been that and will never change now that I have found my like. So, my brother you are not going to pick it all alone as your Money but with a sharing ratio of 50% to 50% each like I told you in my proposal. As soon as you travel down to Madrid, Spain to sign and receive this fund in Cash, it will not be a problem because the approval board will provide for you all the necessary documents to back you up which the President of Fidelity Investment Corporation UK will sign and approve you as an Investor.
Immediately everything is completed by the President of Fidelity Investment Corporation UK, the Director general of the Fidelity approval board UK will contact you via email with all the necessary documents needed to present to the clearing House in Madrid, Spain. So, you have nothing to worry about because I have already opened an Investor's portfolio profile in your name and have already started working with the information you sent to me this morning and I will personally take care of all the expenses here in UK.
I am here to inform you that I will now take care of all the expenses here in UK such as: (IGSB), documents procurement and lawyers consultation fee as well as the Certificate of Deposit which will totally cost me about £107,900.00 Pounds.
While you will be taking care of only the clearing fees in Madrid which will cost you only (£12,700.00) Twelve Thousand Seven Hundred Pounds to get everything done in Madrid, Spain.
I have today contacted a lawyer who will stand on your behalf for all the signing and to stand on your behalf to answer some questions that may come from the President of the Fidelity Investment Corporation here in UK.
So, my brother I have given you all the procedures that are involved in this transaction including the pocket expenses from both you and I.
Thanks for your kind understanding and trust.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

First, an explanation of phone problems, and then a distraction into reminiscences of a misspent youth...
CONUS - Continental United States

Nick,
I can't believe it's happened again... actually, I can. The gorram phone service out here is as busted up as the Republican Guard. When I want to contact my old Corps buddies in CONUS I rely on email. Oh well, time for another letter of complaint... like it'll do any good!
For your information, Nick, there was no messy divorce. It was a case of two kids, poor parental control, raging hormones, and not thinking ahead. I was fourteen, she was sixteen, and we only thought about sex, sneaking off to hot sweaty afternoons after school at her dad's place whenever he worked late. Then she got pregnant, and it all fell apart. In a way, it got me into the Corps, as I realised I needed discipline, and as it turned out, it was the right call.
I know where I went wrong in my math, BTW - I was converting into Australian dollars, which would be over $110 million. That's as may be, but it's still a shed load of cash, and I don't see how it's going to be a good thing picking it up in cash.
What happens then? Do I then hand it back for investing? Please clear this up.
The thing of course is still, does that Tuesday deadline still apply? I'm afraid I can't make it no matter what.
Malcolm

19 August 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and business now?
I thank you so much for your urgent response, even though i was busy in the office but I have to first reply your mail.
I now understand the reasons behind your not seeing your Daughter for a long while now and I am so sorry it all happened that way. My Brother, I do not know what next to do about your phone number or do we have to rely in mails too or you have to be calling me because you have not called since i gave you my number.
You do not have to worry about receiving the Money in cash. As soon as you arrive in Madrid, Spain they will serve you the clearing papers to sign after which the Money is now released to you.
You will now choose either to Invest immediately, recieve in cash or to transfer into your designated Bank account. But, the most important thing is that you must have to sign the clearing papers first from the Clearing house and receive the fund before your choice because once you are approved from the Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board as an Investor of ₤45.745Million British pounds in Fidelity Investment Corperation, the fund is been transferd to the Fidelity Investment Corporation Clearing House where the Investor will now go to sign and claim his/her fund in cash or as so wished.
As regards the Tuesday deadline, i cannot say about it because the schedule will be between you and the Fidelity Investment Coorperation Clearing House in Madrid, Spain. Once the President of Fidelity approval board signs and approve you as an Investor of ₤45.745Million British pounds here in UK, your necessary documents will be forwarded by the Fidelity approval Board to you via email attachment and request you to contact the Clearing House in Madrid, Spain of which they will give you their contact information.
So, the arrangement will be between you and the Clearing House Madrid, Spain but i will like it if you can make it soonest because i just used my last cash in paying for the documents and left with almost nothing now.
My Brother, I have today paid up for all the necessary documents here in UK as i told you in the early hours of today and i am now waiting for the President of Fidelity Investment approval Board to go through it, sign and approve you as an Investor of the ₤45.745Million British pounds so you will now be qualified to claim the fund out from the Clearing House.
As soon as the approval board contacts you with the signed and approved documents, do not hesitate to let me know so i will be aware of all the happenings in this transaction.
I am very much happy transacting this business with you and believe that you will never disappoint me both now and in the future because after this one, there will still be more transactions in the future to do with you.
I await your urgent reply.
My Regards,
Mr Nick Hinds

Nick,
I'm OK, sorta - the effects of deep shock tend to hang around for a while, so the docs say, and I get tired real easy. But I should be OK before too long.
As for my business - we're still working on it.
Don't be sorry about the past, it's not down to you - anyway, we learn from everything, even (especially) our mistakes. As Nietzsche said, "What does not kill us makes us stronger". Learn and move on.
I should have said, in my experience, when phone problems hit, it's a two-way pileup. That's why I have to email my old Corps buddies in CONUS.
OK - now, it seems you have the plan well worked out - that's always good to see. One of many Corps mottos is, "Time spent in planning is never wasted" (along with reconnaissance and acquiring intel). It seems to be safe in your hands. However, I won't be planning travel until I actually have the documents you mentioned. If you want to expedite things, fine, but there are limits to how quickly I can move.
Nick, it's just occurred to me that you know a hell of a lot about me - so, how about something from you? Have you had a colourful life (teenage misadventures and active service in the world's finest fighting force), or has your life been an enviably placid tale of peace and plenty in British suburbia? Your turn to tell all!
Malcolm

Now Nick tries to get into the "I had a seamy past" game. Maybe the Lad did; it just doesn't fit the persona he's running.
Note the reference to a sick son... I see a medical emergency coming on.
Who'd have thought that Nietzsche would have resonated with a Lad?

20 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I am very much happy seeing your mail today but i am sorry not replying you soon because i went to the Hospital to see my sick son. I pray that everything about your health will be ok soon as you said as well as your business. I also want to say you would have been a lecturer in Philosophy because your advice is wonderful. I believe the saying as Nietzsche said, "What does not kill us makes us stronger". Learn and move on.
Actually, I have kept this transaction with me for a little while looking for the best and trustworthy soul to handle the business while i make plans for the easy and safety transaction. So, that is why everything is moving smoothly and will be easy for you as long as I will always be there for you.
My Brother, I love that idea of knowing me because we are almost like dealing without knowing ourselves. I was even meant to have done this before now but the urgency in this transaction and the running around could not let me settle down to think of that but i am very glad you asked. Honestly, I wanted to have such a colorful life (teenage misadventures) but then my Father, Mr. George Hinds was a very strict man and he would not let any of us (Two guys) go stupid but I was almost pregnanting a girl too. Of course you know it is the order of the day for youths, I mean sex.
My Details:
Full Name: Mr. Nick George Hinds.
Company Name: Fidelity Investment Corporation, UK.
Age: 62.
Country of Origin: London, UK.
Status: Married with Three kids-Two boys and a Girl.
My Wife's Name: Mrs. Gloria Hinds.
My First son Name: Ken Hinds.
My Second son Name: Lawrence Hinds (the sick one).
My Daughter's Name: Sandra Hinds.
I have to give you all these information because now we are building a family relationship and trust on each other. I know it will guide us all through our life in Jesus Name, Amen.
So, My Brother as you can see i have invested much in this transaction and the planning so I would not want anything delaying it and that is why I have already paid off the Fidelity Investment Corporation documents as you already know to fasten the whole process in order for the approval board UK to get the documents ready in your name by Monday next week.
I contacted the Director General of the Fidelity Investment Cooperation, UK Approval Board and he confirmed to me that the documents have already been submitted to the office of Mr. President of the Fidelity Investment corporation, UK yesterday evening and he also told me that you should be expecting an email from the Fidelity Approval Board any time from next week.
So Malcolm, please try to keep me informed as soon as you receive all the necessary documents needed to present to the Clearing House in Madrid, Spain from the Fidelity Approval Board.
I await your urgent response.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Malcolm's combat reminiscences and details of the accident are drawn from an earlier bait; YOU ARE A GREAT PILOT

Nick,
What's wrong with your lad Lawrence? Nothing too serious I hope!
My health troubles are tied to the car crash I mentioned - a local guy ran a red light and T-boned my Hummvee. I had my right leg mangled; he got thrown from his car and split his head open on the corner post right in front of me.
I've seen some bad shit - my weapons operator, Phil Anderson, was blinded when our Cobra took a hit from an S-60 during Desert Sabre; I still wake up sweating over memories of holding his hand as the corpsmen lifted him from the cockpit - but that was gorram awful still. I now have steel pins in my leg that'll be setting metal detectors buzzing for the rest of my life.
Worse still, despite the fact that the other guy, some 'character' named Mick Taylor, had a BAC of .17, somehow some locals think it was my fault. WTF? And there's enough support with the local cops to make the dirt stick.
Listen, Nick, back when you were my age, it was 1958! Not even the swinging sixties. I always thought of you Brits as very straight-laced. Somehow the idea that you'd been running around having a good time doesn't gel.
Oh well, never can tell.
There's been no word from your colleagues yet - I'll keep you posted.
Take care.
Malcolm

Yep, son's medical emergency will surely need my help...

22 August 2006

Hello My Bother,
How are you and business today?
I am sorry I could not write you since today because I have been with my Son in the Hospital and the Doctors just confirmed today that he has Cancer of the Liver or whatever they call it and that is another big problem to me now that I do not know where to start solving it from.
My brother, I am very sorry for the accident and all the blame laid on you by your colleagues as you said but when once your hands are clean, there is nothing a human being can do to you. Actually, I do not know why they have not still sent those documents because they are supposed to have reached you with those documents before now so you can get prepared for your trip to claim this fund since I have already paid for everything.
Any well, I will call the President of Fidelity Investment Cooperation approval board now to know why it has not been sent and what is delaying it.
As soon as I confirm from him, I shall get back to you because I really needed this Money now that I have nothing left with me and my Son is critically ill. So, I will be needing big Money for his Hospital bills and maintenance.
I await your urgent response.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
That's hard news. Hell, he's probably no more than my age. I hope they caught it early.
Just to clear something up - it ain't my colleagues blaming me; it's not even a majority of the locals. It's a small but extremely noisy crowd of troublemakers who have enough clout to get heard and make trouble.
I put it down to some degree of anti-American feeling, and the fact that so far SAC has an all-American crew - once we get incorporated we'll be able to hire locals, but some don't quite see it that way. Screw 'em!
Like I said, I've heard nothing, but I'll be in touch ASAP once I do.
Give Lawrence my Regards, and Take care.
Malcolm

22 August 2006

Hello my brother,
In my last email before this I told you I am going to call the Director General of the Fidelity approval board to know why the documents have not been sent to you but he told me what i ended up praising God with.
That at this moment, it is not too safe and good for any of fidelity investors to travel to Madrid, Spain any more with reasons behind our comprehension but with due investigation and research that there is a big problem between the Spanish Security and the Fidelity Clearing House. Therefore, the above named corporation has decided to change there clearing House for now.
So my brother, he assured me that by tomorrow, he shall come up with a conclusive decision of the next clearing house to use in place of Madrid, Spain. He also told me that it is after the decision has been made by the President of Fidelity Investment Corporation that the documents can now be forwarded to you with the contact information of the new Clearing House for your traveling.
He also told me that you have today been approved as an investor of fidelity investment cooperation, UK and I am very happy to hear that and right now I will be waiting for the next news about the documents from you because the Director General of fidelity approval board said they will be contacting you and sending everything to you via email as well as explaining everything to you regarding the new clearing house within the next 24 hours.
So, please try to keep me informed since I will be waiting for the next step.
I wait to hearing from you.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

This is an odd touch - "there is a big problem between the Spanish Security and the Fidelity Clearing House" - unless he's feeling particularly confident about the progress of his scam... or it was always going to be somewhere else.

Nick,
You're starting to worry me a little bit here - is there a reason why you're being just a tad enigmatic about what's happening? I'll admit, you have problems of your own, but that doesn't mean you have to get all cagy too. "[I]t is not too safe and good for any of fidelity investors to travel to Madrid, Spain any more with reasons behind our comprehension but with due investigation and research that there is a big problem between the Spanish Security and the Fidelity Clearing House" - hell's teeth, Nick, if there's anything going on that you think I should know about, then for God's sake, tell me! It can't be beyond both of us. Maybe when their paperwork comes through, then I'll know for sure what's going on. I don't like uncertainty.
How's Lawrence?
Malcolm

Taking the son to Africa is an odd twist.

22 August 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and your work today?
I did give Lawrence your regards as you said and it was as if hearing that made a little change in his health but the Doctors are still referring that we will still have to be transferred to another Hospital where it can easily be cured and that is the only problem i have for now because I do not seem to know where to start handling it from yet. The only consolation I have for now is your Philosophy which says that whatever that cannot kill us will always make us stronger and that I should do one thing at a time. Actually, I am planning to take him down to Africa where a friend prefers so they can commence treatment immediately.
My Brother, I sent you an email yesterday concerning the latest development. Please keep me in touch with me as soon as you hear from them. I wait to hearing from you as soon as possible.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
For God's sake don't move Lawrence! At least let him decide where to go.
Last I heard the NHS was still doing OK, he's better off there than in most if not all parts of Africa - whichever country you mean. I don't know who your friend is, but talk this over with Lawrence first. Moving him willy-nilly is a bad idea.
Nothing from the firm yet - I will let you know when they do contact me.
Malcolm

Oh yeah, the firm...

23 August 2006

Attn: Mr. Malcolm Paul Reynolds,
We are here today being Tuesday, August 22, 2006

. To inform you that your fund GBP£45,745,000.00 Forty Five Million Seven Hundred and Forty-Five thousand Pounds has been Approved and signed by President of Fidelity Investment Corporation United Kingdom.
Also, we wish to notify you that the Fidelity Investment Xpress Delivery Clearing House branch in London will not pay you in pounds, therefore, the total sum of £45,745,000.00 has been converted to United States Dollars totaling ($86.661,285) Eight Six Million Six Hundred and Sixty One Thousand, Two Hundred and Eighty-Five United States Dollars. So, you will receive $86,661,285 United States Dollars there in London as soon as you submit these Approval Certificates to the Xpress Delivery Clearing House in London.
Your approval documents are already attached in this email to you from Fidelity Approval Board United Kingdom.
So, you are today informed to contact our Xpress Delivery Clearing House in London to receive your fund, as an investor from Fidelity Investment Corporation United Kingdom.
Thank you so much for being an investor with us.
Here is the contact information of our Xpress Delivery Clearing House Branch in London.
COMPANY NAME: XPRESS DELIVERY, LONDON.
CONTACT PERSON: MR. HENRY ALLISON.
OFFICE ADDRESS: #31 GOWER STREET, LONDON WC1E 6HG.
TELE: +442070600311
FAX: +442076917114
CELL: +447856645347
E-MAIL: admin@xpressdeliveri.com
The Clearing House in London is now waiting to hear from you to explain everything to you about your fund in London. It is there duty there in London to explain to you in your understanding both in Spanish, French, Greek, English and Portuguese.
Contact them as soon as possible today to receive your fund.
Thank you so much for being an investor with Fidelity Investment Corporation United Kingdom.
If you have any questions please do contact us here by phone, fax and email below:
Tele Phone: +44 702 408 1619
Tele Fax: +44 703 182 1475
Fax Number: +44 703 040 4437
E-Mail: fidelityinternational@london.com
Website: www.fidelity-international.com
We wait to hear from you as soon as you receive your fund out from the Xpress Delivery Clearing House branch in London. You are now informed to contact us.
Warm Regards

Mr. F. G. Williams.
Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation United Kingdom.

Nick,
Here's the message from your prez, let me know if there's anything I should do apart from just sending the paperwork to the Clearing House.
I assume that's where the actual payout is happening?
Have you ruled out going to Africa to treat Lawrence? I hope so!
Malcolm

23 August 2006

Hello my brother,
Thank you for your response to my email and I am very happy seeing that and the questions you asked as well as your advice about not taking Lawrence to Africa.
Actually, I was still contemplating on that because I see no reasons why any African Country should be better than us here.
I was very confused when my friend said that but I have even made several more inquiries about this condition and out of let's say 70% that I have asked, 65% advised me never to go to Africa which I am finally convinced not to go any where again now that I saw your mail and I will think about that NHS that you suggested. I have asked Lawrence to make his choice but he doesn't seem to be coming up with any reasonable reply about that.
As regards your first question about why it is not safe and good any more for any of Fidelity Investment Corporation Investors to clear their consignments now in Madrid, Spain. I have spoken with the Director General Of Fidelity Investment Corporation yesterday concerning this and he was finally able to give me reasons from the President of Fidelity Investment Corporation" that the Spanish Customs suddenly mounted excessive embargo on any cargo entering the Country which will make it too expensive for the Fidelity Investment Corporation Investors to Clear their consignments as well as risky on those consignments in case of seizing and withholding".
Therefore, he has decided to shift the Clearing House to London where it will be safer and easier for the Fidelity Investment Corporation Investors to clear their consignments with ease. That is the response I got from the Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation, UK.
He also told me that they have yesterday in the afternoon sent you an approval and your documents for your travelling to London for your clearing and collection of your consignment but I wonder why you have not received it as you said because he told me with assurance that it will get to you before the evening that yesterday.
So My Brother, I am happy you said this and I promise to reach him now to know why but please do let me know in case you get it before I reach him.
I await your urgent response.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick was sending the emails fairly rapidly, and I'd taken to only answering one per day, and thus thing s were a little bit out of sync

Nick,
It would be the right decision.
I am not saying that Africa is bad (no way would I ever say that) but Lawrence needs family, friends, and familiar sights and sounds in difficult times. By staying in England he's far better off.
I'm a bit confused about "I wonder why you have not received [the documents] as you said because he told me with assurance that it will get to you before the evening that yesterday" - I sent word this morning that the paperwork had arrived. I couldn't reply earlier as I had a day's physiotherapy ahead. There may be server problems here.
I'm sending the deposit certificate to the Clearing House - can't send the Fund Transfer Document as it apparently refers to my reference number and I have no idea what to put.
Final note - I can't make travel plans yet; I don't have any idea about timeframes. I will be in touch once I know more.
Take care.
Malcolm

24 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I am very much happy for this mail and wish to say a big congratulation for qualifying as an Investor and I must tell you, I will still have Money again in to time to pay back all the Money I have borrowed.
My brother, all you need to do now is to contact the clearing House in London which the approval board has given you their contact so you will make arrangements with them on when to travel to London for the clearing out this fund as soon as possible and not sending the documents to them. As regards the actual payment, everything will be happening there as soon as you present those documents you already received from the Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board and sign all the necessary documents from the clearing house in London.
After signing all the Clearing papers with Xpress Delivery Clearing House in London and paying for the clearing fee of £12,700.00 British Pounds, the fund totaling ($86.661,285) Eight Six Million Six Hundred and Sixty One Thousand, Two Hundred and Eighty-Five United States Dollars will immediately be paid to you.
Actually, I am very much happy now. At least I have a hope of giving Lawrence a good treatment no matter what it takes from me and for you my brother, I assure you, you will never regret knowing and handling this transaction for me. I don't mind giving you extra percentage from mine apart from your 50% and I promise you, if we conclude this transaction, I will still have many more different businesses with you in good faith.
So, contact the clearing house in London now and make the arrangements with them on your traveling urgently and do not forget to keep in touch with me in your discussions with them so I will be aware of everything happening.
I wait to hearing from you urgently.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
As I said last night, I've made contact, though I can't send the second form - remember, there's some requirement for a personal number and I don't know what's supposed to be there.
And please, don't talk about increased shares or whatever, I'm not that mercenary!
I'll be back when I know more.
Malcolm

Time to bring the "Clearing House" on line..

Attn: Mr Henry Allison
Sir,
I have been advised by Mr. F. G. Williams, Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation United Kingdom, to contact you in reference to my investment fund currently held by you. I have attached the appropriate Deposit Certificate. Please confirm receipt soonest.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Mr Williams,
My thanks for the information - I have contacted the Clearing House as you suggested.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

24 August 2006

Hello my brother,
Good day and how is life? I just received your mail but I am surprised you said you are a bit confused about "I wonder why you have not received [the documents] as you said because he told me with assurance that it will get to you before the evening that yesterday". My brother, I have received the forwarded documents in my box but I have already sent you the mail before the attachment came in and I believe you will understand it now. My Brother, do not send any Certificate to the Clearing House. All you need to do now is to contact the clearing house to make arrangements with them on your traveling date so you will travel along with those documents to London where you will sign other remaining necessary clearing documents and claim the fund in cash as I have already told you. I do not understand exactly what you are saying about timeframes for your traveling to London but please do bear with me that this is the only Money I hope for now in expenses especially Lawrence ill Health. My brother, Please do see how urgent you can make it so as to be alive again because your brother is now completely down and out but the most important thing is that you have to contact the clearing house and let them know that you have received your approval from the President of Fidelity Investment Corporation, UK qualifying you an Investor of Fidelity Investment Corporation, UK. As soon as you do that, they will let you know if there is any other way things can be done to get this consignment cleared immediately. Please my brother, do bear with me and try to understand my condition. As regards Lawrence Health, I have decided to keep him within just as if you know that he wouldn't leave his brother and sister for any other place. Please, do understand my condition and bear with me. I wait for your response urgently. Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

"Please do see how urgent you can make it so as to be alive again" - WTF?

Nick, I know you're under pressure right now - but for God's sake calm down, take a chill pill. I was commenting about the fact that the documents were held up somehow - as I said before, there may be server troubles somewhere. That's all I meant. There's no need for you to be surprised! The problem is that I already sent one document - the Deposit Certificate - to the Clearing House. Has that done any harm? And again I say, calm down. You wrote, "Please do see how urgent you can make it so as to be alive again" - huh? Did I say I was dead? Nick, you have to watch it! Lawrence needs you calm, sane and focussed! OK - once the Clearing House gets back to me, I'll make plans. I don't like the idea of travelling to the UK right now, not with the travel restrictions they'll have in place. I've had worse, though - shipping out on an assault carrier ain't fun. Malcolm

Once again Nick tries to be calming and reassuring.

26 August 2006

Hello my brother,
Thank you for your urgent response of my mail and i understood all you said. Actually, there is nothing wrong with the Deposit Certificate that you have already sent to the clearing House but its just that i would not want anything to happen to this fund knowing the condition of today's Globalization and which was why you said i am in rush. Please, do make the plans for your traveling while you wait for the Clearing House because, if they have receved the certificate, they will be soon be expecting you to come down for your claim and clearing of the consignment soonest. Let it not be that you are the one to be waited for instead of us waiting for them. Please, do your best for me and i actually i was refering to myself when i said "Please do see how urgent you can make it so as to be alive again". I await your reply. Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Time for another delay. The DVT reference is for something that can be used later.

Nick,
The news isn't totally good - I mentioned to my physiotherapist that I intended to make an international flight in the near future, and she urged me to get a new check-up.
It seems that injuries like compound leg fractures massively increase the risk of deep vein thrombosis; I'll have to get a doctor's clearance. That should be done by Tuesday.
Could you explain that line about "the condition of today's Globalization"? I don't understand your point. On the other hand, I do know now what you meant about "be[ing] alive again".
I'll be in touch.
Malcolm

Another piece of Lad religiosity... exactly which faith allows theft by deception?

28 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I am very sorry for the condition of your Health today and wish that God almighty will out of His infinite mercy heal you from that Fracture and also apologize for not writing you since you wrote your mails due to the Health condition of Lawrence coupled with that I have been out of the office. What exactly I mean by "the condition of today's Globalization" is that the world is now being so open that someone can easily get to know some secret things about another person through the internet and now that you have sent the Certificate of Deposit to the clearing house, I would not want any thing to happen to it and they give excuse of someone else already having come to lay claims on this fund though it has never happened before and I pray and believe nothing of that such will ever happen especially in my transaction. I believe I have made my point why I said that. So, do understand with me and let's do something now and fast.
I pray to God for the success of this transaction and He is already answering my prayers because He has never let me down when ever He makes a promise.
Please, try your best and let us see how we can conclude this transaction and soonest.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
I don't want God to mend my leg, I'd rather He gave Phil Anderson back his sight (I have nightmares about what that Iraqi AAA round did to his face).
I'd rather He healed your son.
But anyway... that gorram Clearing House didn't even do the decent thing and acknowledge my message. That said, what could they do with that certificate? It's not like it's ID, right?
The doctor gave me a qualified OK for travel, provided I can exercise on the plane. I'll see about booking tomorrow.
Now, a question - that fee of £12,700 - would it be OK to bring a certified check for that amount?
And while we're here - a while back you mentioned a lawyer you were going to hire. Haven't heard a peep from him.
What happened?
Give my regards to Lawrence.
Malcolm

29 August 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and your Health today? You told me you would be going for another check up today as the Doctor said and I wish to ask how it is going.
My brother Malcolm, this transaction is taking much time unlike expected because I planned this transaction in such a way that It will be concluded within 7 working Banking days from the day of start and as you can see, it has taken much more than that and the delay is being too much and not in our favor because you know my condition now that I am only hoping and depending entirely on this Money for survival.
My brother, has the clearing house contacted you and if they have not, then I suggest that you confirm from them because I so much believe that if they have received the Certificate of Deposit you said you sent to them, they should have contacted you before now.
So, my brother, let's handle this transaction once and forge ahead. I am saying you should contact them and see if the document has arrived their office.
Please, do as fast as you can and let's conclude this transaction. I really understand your condition too and also bear with you just as you should bear with me too.
I await your urgent response immediately and do not fail to keep me in touch in what ever you discuss with them as soon as possible.
Regards and Lawrence sends his regards too.
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
We are definitely out of synch here. I sent word last night that the doctor had cleared me for travel, provided I'm careful.
Nick, you weren't ever in the services, so you never learned the essential truth that no plan ever goes smoothly. You should never have staked anything on clearance within seven days. We lost at least three days because Clive Whittaker dicked us both around, then there's the fact that I'm at the other side of the world. You should have factored that in.
Anyhoo - I'll give the Clearing House a wake-up call and see if they're on the ball.
I'll be in touch.
Malcolm

Back to the Clearing House again

Attn: Mr Henry Allison

Sir,
I contacted you six days ago with reference to my investment fund, and requested acknowledgement. You did not do so. Please respond promptly to this enquiry and confirm receipt of the original message.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

30 August 2006

Hell my brother,
How are you and about your wok and family?
Thank you so mucc in your effort so far and i urge you to please be very careful as the Doctor said so you do not have any injury again.
Please do call them as you said this morning for the contact as you promised and do not forget to get back to me immediately.
I await your urgent reply.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
I don't have a family yet, remember?
As for work, it's always busy, busy, busy!
Bear in mind that the phone service out here can go down faster than Paris Hilton, which mean that I might never get to call them at all. We've been through this!
I'll get back to you.
How's Lawrence bearing up?
Malcolm

When a Lad gets religion, it's always an eye-opener.

30 August 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you today and your leg?
Thank you for your urgent response to my mail and I am very happy the way you sounded and pray so hard that the Almighty God will do exactly as you wish because there is this saying that says "the wish of man is the wish of God" looking at this saying, I pray that He answers your prayers in Jesus Name, Amen.
If the clearing house can say they have not gotten the Certificate yet, then I believe they have not received it and that is why I said you should contact them first.
My brother, the fee of £12,700 will actually get this transfer concluded since it is all the clearing fee
that will be paid there in the clearing house and every other clearing documents is handed over to you for signing and claiming of the fund.
I have personally paid the lawyer like I told you about even before those documents from the Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board were been delivered to you for qualification and approval. Actually, he was meant to have contacted you all these while because I gave him your contact but I guess the problem could be your area Network as you know but I will do let him know you wants to talk with him and definitely, he will contact you.
My Malcolm, if you can make it booking a flight tomorrow as you said, I will be the happiest man on earth while I await you to write and say you have claimed the fund. Thank you so much for this extent you have gone and pray that God will guide you through out the travel and claiming of this fund. I also want you to be rest assured that this clearing is one of the best that Fidelity Investment Corporation has and they will give you the best of attention and caring, as you deserve.
Best wishes and regards both from Lawrence, the entire family and me.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Time for a Malcolm Reynolds excursion into religion.
The Lad should get what he deserves, yes indeedy...

Nick,
I don't understand - when did I say I was praying? I haven't prayed since I was about ten - that is, unless you count the "Oh my God" and "Sweet Jesus" sort of things that come out when you're learning to master the controls of a Huey, or when a sniper's bullet comes close to busting your eardrum. Believe me; I've known both of those moments!
I would never beg God for anything. He knows what you truly want, and He knows what you truly deserve. No amount of hand-clenching and cross-clutching changes that. If He intends to heal Lawrence, then He will do it; if not, then so be it, and we should never, ever ask why. My leg is still stiff and sore and I am told it'll get worse in cold weather. It's summer in England right now, isn't it?
That gorram lawyer hasn't sent me a rutting word; the Clearing House hasn't bothered either... I'm not booking anything until I'm sure they're going to get with the program.
Give my best regards to Lawrence and all of your folks.
Take care.
Malcolm

30 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I know you may not have received my first mail before this one due to area Network problem or otherwise but I have to let you know some things before your traveling to avoid making a mistake. 1. You have to first contact the clearing house in London either through Phone or email so they will be aware you are coming before your booking a flight to London so they will make a Hotel arrangement for you on your arrival as well as keeping everything ready for you in case you wouldn't want to stay for a long while.
2. You have to make sure you open the consignment on your own so only you will be aware of what ever is inside because they will never be aware of the content unless you let them know. 3. They will be of maximum help and assistance to you in whatsoever you will need in the accomplishment of this transaction. So, get yourself ready now for the trip.
4. Make sure you have to travel with the clearing fee as you already know because that will be the only assess you will have to the consignment.
5. They will have to come down to the airport where you will land to wait for you on your arrival so, they will take you to your Hotel room and then to the office for signing and clearing if you wish to claim it the same day of your arrival
Having heard all these, I believe you are acquainted with information that you need. So, the first thing you should do now is to contact the clearing house with the phone number or email address (but phone will be best) as attached in the documents that the approval board sent to you so that they will be aware of your coming and make sure everything for your safety and comfort there in London is being put in place.
Please my brother; you have to keep me in touch in every step you make so I will be aware of the whole happening. I have already sent a massage to the Barrister as promised as his number is not available and he will be getting in touch with you soonest.
Please, contact the clearing house now for urgency and clearity if you have not contacted them.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
I've just read through this and, frankly, I think you're over-planning.
[1] Fine, I'll do that.
[2] You have me puzzled here. Why do I have to keep it a secret? The gorram Clearing House know what's there, don't they? Fidelity International put the money there - and they told the Clearing House what was being deposited, right?
[3] They'd better damn well help, I'm paying enough!
[4] Yeah, I got it.
[5] Why do they have to meet us at the airport? Why do they have to take us to our hotel? Why does the business have to be done on the same day? I've done enough flights overseas (often in C-130s) to know that you don't do so well after such flights. I'm going to need some time on the ground to freshen up before I do anything!
I dropped Mr Allison a line earlier today, no reply. Once he's replied the serious planning can begin.
Take care,
Malcolm

About time the other Lad got involved!

30 August 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, and to inform you that we did not receive any email from you 6 days ago. Please do confirm and resend the mail. Also provide us with all information and what you want us to do for you.
Thanks
Henry Allison

Mr Allison,
No message? I suggest you get your inbox checked.
Putting that aside - I wish to know what procedures should be followed for the retrieval of property held by you. I will be coming in from overseas and need full briefing on this subject.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

31 August 2006

Hello my brother,
I am happy for your urgent reply of my mail and i have just called the Director General of the Fidelity Investment Corperation approval board concerning this transaction and he told me that everything is now lying in your hands since the consignment has since been sent to the clearing house and that you should contact them.
He personally gave me this phone number: +44-777-091-6155 so that you will try it in case their other numbers could not connect. So, please do call them as you promised me yesterday so you can make arrangements with them for your trip concerning your Hotal reservation, picking you up from the airport and other necessary things that will be involved.
Please my brother, do not hesitate to keep me in touch immediately you contact them to let me know what is happening.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
I just got word from the Clearing House that they don't have my last email. Well, I guess that's good, they won't have the certificate then!
I asked to fill me in on procedures required to claim the goods.
I'll keep you posted.
In the meantime, take care of yourself.
Malcolm

Here we have two unusual features.
First up, hearken to the Lad with a very odd world map (since when is New Jersey anywhere near London?).
The poorly contrived intra-Lad emails are worth a laugh too...

31 August 2006

Hello my brother,
This is what the Barrister just sent to me and i am forwarding it to you so you can read and be aware that i have contacted him and what he said.
Have you contacted the clearing house and what was it like?
Keep in touch as soon as possible.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Note: forwarded message attached.
WESTERN HOOD CHAMBERS,
BLOCK 21 #15,
NEW JERSSEY,
LONDON,
UNITED KINGDOM.
Nick,
How are you and your family?
I just received your mail and I am very sorry for not have written your man, Mr. Malcolm Paul Reynolds all these while and I urge you to help me explain to him the way he will understand that it is the nature of my job and my commitments here and there that has made me not contact him before now. Actually, I am in Japan now but will be coming down to London by tomorrow and promise to give him a surprising contact the moment I am back. So, let him know that and let him not worry. Moreover, i hope he has cleared his consignment from the Fidelity Investment clearing house London because he is meant to have done that even before now. In case he has not done that, let him know that the clearing house are not meant to be aware of what is inside the consignment and that he should go claim it now.
My greetings to your household.
Barr. Kenneth Chuby, ESQ.
Western Hood Chambers.

NICK < nick.hinds1@yahoo.com>wrote:

Hello Barrister,
How are you and your family today?
I am very sorry that for quite a long time now I have not been able to reach you even through your mail box or phone but I believe you will bear with me that it was because of my Son's, Lawrence illness that made me even forget the right things I should have done.
Actually Barrister, I spoke with your client, Mr. Malcolm Paul Reynolds that you represented in Fidelity Investment Corporation for defending his Investment through mail this afternoon and he is not happy that you have not contacted him after all these while and I promised him that I will let you know about that and that you will definitely contact him possibly today and that is why I am writing to let you know and understand his view.
Please, he is making plans of traveling to London, Fidelity Investment Corporation's clearing house by tomorrow for the clearing of the consignment and I believe it is why he wanted to talk with you before going. So Barrister, please try as much as you can to reach him now so you both can talk and you know he is right wanting to talk with you.
Please, do me that favor of talking to him because he is now my best friend and only pal I can trust.
I await your reply.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
Remind me why we need a lawyer. Isn't everything pretty much running itself?
Oh, and the Clearing House still hasn't got back as I requested - I can't say if it's them or the ISP, but I ain't putting money on it.
Regards,
Malcolm

"I do not have any Money again" - how predictable was that?
Is he going to ask Malcolm for some money up front for personal bills?

31 August 2006

Malcolm Hello my brother,
Do not see it that I am over planning but I am just trying to make sure we claim this fund now because I do not have any Money again.
As regards to your questions:
1. Yes, Fidelity International put the money there but never disclosing the content to avoid it being lost on the way. So, the secrecy is to make sure you are the one that opens the consignment to confirm that the content is intact because Fidelity Investment corporation will deal with who ever tampers with the content and that is why you have to confirm it is in order.
2. I would not know if you will prefer making it down to the office on your own but I am planning it that way just to help and make it easier for you.
3. Go through my mail, I said if you wish to claim it the same day of your arrival and not that you must. It is all about your decision whether to claim it same day or not. Picking you up from the airport is also on your personal decision because you can choose to come down on your own but it is planned that way to lessen expenses for the Investor.
My brother, I am planning everything to make it easier for you especially considering your fracture but if you say you can make it own your own, that will be in favor of the clearing house.
Please, keep me in touch once you discuss with the clearing house and do call them on phone as I have already given you this number: +44-777-091-6155 that was given to me by the Director General of the Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

The "Strettam [Streatham] branch of Spud-You-Like [Spud-U-Like]" is a reference to the TV comedy series Drop The Dead Donkey

Nick,
OK, point taken.
I have a question, though - what did you say was in the consignment? Let's at least get our stories straight, OK?
I'm happy enough going to the Clearing House, but like I said, I want to do it when we're all fresh and alert. Inara, particularly, doesn't travel well.
I've tried calling the Clearance House, but unless they're moonlighting as the Strettam branch of Spud-You-Like, no joy. They did tell me that chili-bean fillings were on special before the line went down.
Hang on, I just got a ping. I'll get back to you if it's that Allison guy.
Malcolm

01 September 2006

Attention;Malcolm Reynolds
IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT TO YOUR EMAIL. WE SENT YOU A FAX THIS MORNING TO CONFIRM THAT WE DID NOT RECEIVE ANY INFORMATION WHAT SO EVER FROM YOU. SO PLEASE KINDLY SEND THE SHIPMENT DOCUMENT AND DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE, ON RECIEPT AND CONFIRMATION, WE WIL PROVIDE YOU WITH ALL THE NECESSARY DETAILS YOU REQUIRE, FOR YOUR PICK UP/DELIVERY.
THANKS
MRS P ALLICOCK

Mrs Allcock,
What fax? I don't have a fax machine. Who told you that I did?
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick,
This is what I got from the Clearing House.
I don't have a fax! What the hell is going on?
Malcolm

01 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I am happy for this news and like you said, the network problems in your area might have held the document on the way.
Actually, you did the right thing asking for the procedures required to claim the goods so you will know and be geting ready for the claims as soon as possible.
I await your urgent reply as soon as they reply your mail and i surgest you should be geting ready for your travel now that they have confirmed your mail.
I await your urgent response.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
I can't get through to the Clearing House by phone no matter what I do (or how often), they haven't replied to my last email.... this is starting to worry me.
Please confirm this as soon as you can.
Malcolm

Well, this lawyer proved to be a waste of Lad time...

01 September 2006

WESTERN HOOD CHAMBERS,
BLOCK 21 #15,
NEW JERSSEY,
LONDON,
UNITED KINGDOM.
Reynolds,
I just came back from Japan where I have been on an urgent assignment and as a matter of fact, it amounted to my being unable to reach you all these while and when I got your friends, Mr. Nick Hinds mail, I called your number immediately so I can talk with you but it was entering Fax. I am back now and will always make sure I talk with you time to time though I will still embark on another trip but no date yet until my client fixes one.
I have not heard from any one yet if you have claimed your consignment but I doubt if you have because I believe your friend would have in one way or the other let me know that you have done that. Any well, if you have not, try as much as you can to do that to avoid it staying too long in the clearing house and of course, you know it is Money and will be needed my either you or even your friend for one or two things in Life.
I will always keep in touch and do what i have just told you.
Barr. Kenneth Chuby, ESQ.
Western Hood Chambers.

Mr Chuby,
I have not been called "Reynolds" since my time in the Marine Corps, and I don't get called that now. I am "Mr Reynolds" to you. Are we clear?
If all you are going to do is tell me to pick up my money, then tell me exactly why you got involved here. As I see it, you are serving no purpose whatsoever.
Malcolm Reynolds

01 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have just received your mail and I am very happy you are doing it letting me know whatsoever is going on between you and the clearing house and that Is exactly what it should be so that everybody will follow in this transaction.
Actually, if the clearing house should write you this, then they must be referring to the issue of the document you earlier told me you sent to them, which they have already told you did not get to their office. So, since they now want you to send THE SHIPMENT DOCUMENT AND DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE, you can now go ahead and do it but that will be after i have confirmed from the Director General of Fidelity Investment corporation approval board on that issue and i will let you know through my next mail if you will send it or not. So stay calm and wait for my instructions on that because I will give him, Director General a call now to verify.
As regards the Lawyers issue you have always talked about, we do not need any more Lawyer since the duty of the Lawyer has already been concluded but he only wrote you as regards your request to hear from him. My brother, everything is in order. So, do not border your self because i am always there for you to verify everything as long as this transaction will be concluded next week unfailingly.
I await your urgent response to this mail, as I will be doing the necessary things left for me.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

ZU-23s, S-60s and SA-7s are all references to Russian anti-aircraft guns and missiles

Nick,
When the hell did I say I wanted to speak with the lawyer? He's your buddy; as far as I'm concerned, he's gorram excess baggage.
As for staying calm - once you've flown a Cobra into enemy airspace, dodged ZU-23s and SA-7s, and brought back a crippled bird after a direct hit from an S-60 (and with a wounded buddy to save), you pretty much have calmness locked in; sort of like Zen. Trust me, I am not bothered.
How's Lawrence? I assume no news is good news...
Malcolm

02 September 2006

Hello my brother,
Thank you so much at this extent. I have just called the Director General of the Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board as I told you and he has just confirmed that it is just the procedure and that they are demanding that to give a prove that you have been cleared from the approval board to avoid giving an invitation to a wrong person.
So, you can now send them those documents so as to go through it on or before Monday Morning and definitely give you an invitation by Tuesday Morning as I pray. My brother, you have nothing to worry about as long as I am here because I am going to make sure everything is ok but you have to be preparing to claim this fund by Tuesday or Wednesday next week before your friend, I dies. As regards your question, the content of the consignment is £45,745,000.00 belonging to you as an Investor of Fidelity Investment Corporation as claimed. More so, you have to write them now letting them know that your area network is very bad and that you have no Fax and that they should forward whatever they want to forward through email as it is the only reliable means there in Australia. Any problem as regards call, I suppose it is from your area due to your network problem because even the Lawyer told me he could not get you when he tried your line. So, just send them the mail as I told you and make sure you let them know that you have no Fax and that they should send you everything through email.
I await your urgent response as soon as you contact them and let me know what they said.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

This was just confusing. Was he claiming his life was in danger?

Nick, What the hell does this mean - "but you have to be preparing to claim this fund by Tuesday or Wednesday next week before your friend, I dies"? Are you OK? Are you actually saying that if I'm not in the UK by that date, you're dead? Put me right quickly! I'll do what's needed, but don't panic or anything. Malcolm

Apparently not.

02 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have told you that you have nothing to worry about as long as I am here and I am going to be making sure everything is going as supposed to make sure we claim this fund by next week.
All you have to do now is to send them those documents whether they have replied you or not since the Director General of Fidelity Investment corporation approval board has confirmed that it is the procedure and that it is to make sure you are really the owner/Investor of this said fund (£45,745,000.00) here in Fidelity Investment Corporation.
Also, I want to get you informed that you have to be getting ready for your travel because they might not leave you with much time after they have received those documents.
So my brother, worry about nothing because everything is in order.
I await your urgent response.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
If there's nothing to worry about, why write such odd things?
Also, I'm not sending the papers until you tell me exactly why I'd not have much time after sending them. Are you telling me they can set a deadline? That makes no sense.
Once you get back to me I can make the booking. Don't keep me waiting!
Malcolm

04 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have just received your mail and I am very happy for that and what you wrote.
My brother, I do not mean to get you worried when I said "but you have to be preparing to claim this fund by Tuesday or Wednesday next week before your friend, I dies"? But it is just to let you know the extend of my pocketlessness this time and that is exactly why I said I will die coupled with my Son's, Lawrence illness.
My brother, why I said you do not have much time after sending them is because I believe that by now, everything about the clearing of this fund from the clearing house must have been ready waiting for you to have a convincing prove to them that you are the rightful owner/Investor of this fund and which is why you are needed to send those documents to them according to the Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board.
So my brother, do not see it as if there is any problem or something to worry about because I am there for you like I told you already. All you need to do now is to send those documents across to them, the clearing house so they will have a convincing evidence of your ownership and get things arranged for you to travel and claim this fund as soon as possible like you know.
My brother, in no short time, I believe we both will be rich especially me having gone through this difficult time and spending all I have in making sure I secure the life of my beloved Son, Lawrence which at the moment, has no positive result.
Do your best in making sure that we get this transaction concluded by next week latest.
So my brother, go ahead and send them those documents as a prove of ownership and they will definitely get back to you as soon as possible after getting things arranged for your traveling. I await your urgent response of this mail immediately you have sent those documents to the clearing house.
My Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

04 September 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
This is to inform you that we have still not received the documents proving your claims. As you indicated that you do not have a functioning fax machine do scan and send the document vie email. Also we do expect you to write us with respect any disrespect to any member of our staff is always handled with great concern; we do not appreciate your writing attitude. We have worked with so many international client and they have received best of services, we did confirm to you that the document you claimed that you sent did not come up in our system, do kindly send it back for confirmation, so that we will book an appointment for you to come and pick up your consignment and any further details will be released to you.
Thanks for your understanding and co operation.
Management

This had me blinking? Disrespect? When?

I sent them the documents that I'd already been sent

Dear Sir,
I will send the documents to you now. However, I am baffled by your comments. "[A]ny disrespect to any member of our staff is always handled with great concern; we do not appreciate your writing attitude" - please explain exactly what I wrote that could be construed as disrespectful. Flippancy is not disrespect. At this stage, I cannot state for certain when I will be able to visit your premises.
It would be safe to make an appointment (provisionally) for Monday or Tuesday of next week.
Please confirm the suitability of the timeframe.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

05 September 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you today?
I have not heard from you today and i am very worried that you have not said anything about sending those documents to the clearing house as supposed.
What is the problem and why have you decided to keep mute?
Remember that you have to send it since it will be the only prove for the clearing house to be very convinced you are the rightful owner/Investor of this fund which is the only thing that will make them give you an appointment for the claim.
My brother, do not forget that we have wasted much time and now, we need to do everything very fast so as to get this fund cleared and claimed within the shortest time.
Please, do send those documents to the clearing house if you have not done that so they wii get back to you with your appointment for traveling.
I will nbe waiting for your urgent response as soon as you send them the documents.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
Kept mute? It's only been a day or two since I last wrote you. I don't write for the sake or writing, only if I have something to say.
I sent the forms yesterday. I have to say, the Clearing House is apparently staffed by a band of either girlie-men or shrinking violets - the "management" wrote me thus: "Also we do expect you to write us with respect any disrespect to any member of our staff is always handled with great concern; we do not appreciate your writing attitude". I can only guess that this line I wrote - "No message? I suggest you get your inbox checked" - was such a zinger that someone got mortally offended. Is this some English thing?
I'll be in touch - and don't forget to update me about Lawrence.
Malcolm

So I'm his only friend... awwww!

05 September 2006

Helo my brother,
You know that for now, you are the only friend i can trust like a brother and when i do not hear from you, i feel i am missing a very big thing. So, do not be annoyed i said you kept mute. My brother, i am very happy to hear this that you have sent those documents meaning that you will soon be traveling to claim this fund as supposed. Any well, thank you so much at this extend and do not get annoyed by the way they talked to you but just know you are doing it because of this fund which you will be claiming in no short time as you know.
My brother, Lawrence seem to be geting better though atimes, it will be as if everything is getting worst but i have learnt to believe myself and what you said "that what ever cannot kill us will always end up making us stronger".
I await your urgent response of this mail as soon as you hear from the clearing house.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

OK, time to throw in the first monkey-wrench

Nick,
Things have hit the wall.
Just ten minutes ago one of the local cops dropped by the SAC office and handed me an official letter. Some maggot has taken out a gorram injunction to stop me travelling!
Word must have got out that I was travelling overseas, and someone had the clout to convince the local cops and at least one JP that I was facing charges for causing death by dangerous driving (what a crock) and that I was intending to flee or some such rutting crap. They want my passport! I'm going to settle this RIGHT NOW, I am sick of this shit. Some boozed-up local deadbeat runs a red light and rams my Hummvee, gets himself killed, and I'm to blame?
I'll get back to you.
Malcolm

Dear Sir,
Reference my request for an appointment; please disregard for the present, as my travel plans have been disrupted. I will update when possible.
Please acknowledge.
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick,
Neither good news nor bad.
Inara has been earbashing the local law for most of today, and she's speeded things up, and there'll be a court hearing on Thursday - if all goes well we should get this crap struck out.
I'll get back to you.
It's been a hard day.
Malcolm

05 September 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email and the enclosed attachment proving that you are the original beneficiary to the consignment.
We hoped to book an appointment for you on Tuesday next week 12th of this month, but you stated that your travelling has been disrupted, so we will await further travelling schedule from you.
Note: There is a stipulated time frame that we can have your consignment, and you need to come forward and make the claims, secondly you have an out standing charges of £12,700.00 (twelve thousand seven hundred pounds only) you will be expected to come with the fee for clearing of your consignment.
Lastly, as we operate home delivery, on your request and our agreement based on our terms and condition, we can have your consignment delivered to your door step.
Further details will be sent to you, we are here to provide you with the best of services.
Thanks for your co operation and understanding
Yours truly,
Mrs Paula Allicock

Mrs Allcock,
Thank you for the update.
However, I wish to take issue over this comment: "Note: There is a stipulated time frame that we can have your consignment..."
No such stipulation has been made. Please clarify this matter.
Malcolm Reynolds

06 September 2006

Hello my brother,
Actually, it has not been good news but I believe in your words "No news is ever good".
Now, you can see why I said you should keep some things secret because some of the people around you that you call your friends are there just to make sure you never progresses. It must be your close friend that must have let them know you are making a traveling plan and has gotten your plans stock.
Any well, nothing has gone wrong because I believe what ever has a beginning must have an end and this your case is already at the end.
Please, do whatever you can to get this case closed because the clearing house might be waiting for you by now and I do not know if you have contacted them or they have contacted you too.
My brother, be the Man that you are and never let it way you down because it's the enemies at work and they are bound to fail in their plans to ruin your life.
I await your urgent response concerning this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Time for a rant - I felt pretty cross (in-character) over what the Lad wrote

Nick,
If you were here now, I don't care what's been said in the past, I'd smash your gorram nose! The people around me that you so casually bad-mouthed include the woman I love, her brother (a doctor and the closest to a real-life saint I've ever met), and two old comrades from the Corps - brothers in blood.
Kaylee and Zoe, too, I would trust with my life and more. They have mortgaged their futures to SAC. They would not betray me, and they haven't.
I have no idea how anyone heard I was planning to travel, but I will tell you this - they were not responsible!
And, I might add, don't patronise me! I have served my country in war, I've shed blood for my country and seen close friends and comrades killed and wounded. "[B]e the Man that you are" - I have nothing to prove to you on that score.
When this legal matter is done and dusted, I'll be ready to move.
I'll be in touch.
Malcolm

07 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have heard all you said and i understand your annoyance and otherwise but my advise is that you take things easy so as to close this case soonest and do not loose hope.
I wish you the best in this case and believe you are going to end up by tomorrow being victourious as always.
I await youyr urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

07 September 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your mail, and in clarification, what you have to understand, do pardon us for not have mentioned this to you before, although it was due to the time wasted before you sent the papers for confirmation, Nevertheless any consignment in our vault is supposed to stay for 21 days without charges, as we are not charging you demurrage at the moment but if it exceeds that 21 days, it will begin to incur demurrage of £85 per week.
I hope you understand and confirm your arrival date, although we can have it delivered at your nominated address.
If you need any further details, do inquire so that we can make it available for you.
Thanks
Mrs Paula Allicock

07 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I just want to wish you Good luck against your case today while i wait your victory.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

08 September 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you preparing for the case today?
I have no much to say but to wish you all the best. I await your victory in this case.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Just a teensy bit of foreshadowing here with the policeman's comment

Nick,
HOO-RAH! It's been a hell of a day, but we got that stupid case struck out!
Details can wait for later, but let's just say that there was plenty of spite in court.
The funny thing is, one of the cops said something to Kaylee (my chief mechanic) to the effect that I had "done the world a favour". We have no idea what the hell he was talking about.
We still have some things to wrap up. In short, our departure is on Monday the 11th (now there's a date to conjure with), arriving at Heathrow at about 0600 Tuesday. I'll contact the Clearing House and arrange for an appointment on Thursday.
Keep your chin up, we're almost done here!
Malcolm

Dear Mrs Allcock,
Be informed that I will be arriving with two companions at Heathrow Airport at approximately 0600 on Tuesday September 12, aboard Flight QF319.
Would you be able to advise on accommodation for our stay? We have booked for departure on the night of September 28th.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

08 September 2006

ATTENTION:Malcolm Reynolds
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECIEPT OF YOUR EMAIL, AND ALSO TO INFORM
YOU THAT WE HAVE TAKEN NOTE OF YOUR ARRIVAL DATE AND APPIONTMENT WILL BE BOOKED FOR YOU ON THE 13TH. WE CAN MAKE HOTEL RESERVATION FOR YOU, ONCE YOU PROVIDE US WITH A SCAN COPY OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT AND ALSO PROVIDE THE NAMES OF YOUR COMPANIONS. FURTHERMORE DO CALL MR ALLISON AS HE WILL BE IN THE POSITION TO PROVIDE YOU WITH MORE DETAILS, ITS VERY IMPORTANT YOU SPEAK WITH HIM TO AVOID ANY MIS UNDERSTANDING ALSO YOU WILL BE EXPECTED TO COME WITH THE CLEARING FEES. DO CONFIRM THIS. THANKS
MRS P ALLICOCK

08 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I am very very happy for this good news of your case as we wait for many more yet to come. Honestly, ever since you made mention of this case, i have been praying that it gets ended up in no short time and that is exactely why i am the happiest man for this victory. You could say you are the happiest but no problem. We thank God for that.
I have heard what you said and i wish we conclude this transaction latest on that Thursday as you said. I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

I can all but taste the Lad's exultation...

09 September 2006

Attention:Malcolm Reynolds
THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE INFORMATION REQUIRED TO BOOK AN APPIONTMENT PRIOR TO YOUR ARRIVAL.
THANKS
MANAGEMENT

Dear Sir,
You mean book the hotel rooms, don't you? I told you when I'm arriving, the appointment ain't the issue. On that score, the names of those wanting the hotel are Malcolm Reynolds, Inara Tam and Jayne Cobb; one double and one single room.
I will not be sending you a scan of my passport, as that is forbidden by the State Department.
Also - please make the appointment for the 14th of September, as I never do business when still jet-lagged.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Someone's got a bit mixed up!

10 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have not heard from you since yesterday. Are you not back yet?
Any well, i just recieved a call this afternoon fron the Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board leting me know that the contact officer of the (XPRESS DELIVERY, LONDON.) clearing house is complaining that you have refused to call him and and of course, you know that what ever they do there is their procedure to make sure they are dealing with the rightful owner of this fund in order not to misplace the fund for another Investor.
So my brother, please do bear with me and know that you are doing all these for my sake and give them, the contact officer a call with this number that the Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation approval board gave me as i have given you before.
Please, do this and let us claim this fund as planned next week.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
What do you mean, not back? When did I say I was leaving? Not until Monday!
I haven't REFUSED to call this manager guy; if I could call him, then I'd be able to call you! The phone system is suckier than a bowl of leeches, remember? I'm still in touch, so don't be such a worrywart! It'll sort itself out!
How's Lawrence?
Malcolm

10 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have received your mail but I could not reply you all these while because of Lawrence condition and I heard all you said.
Any well, I only wanted to understand what is actually holding this transaction since according to you, the clearing house has given you an appointment for Monday which I will be very happy seeing that everything goes well as planned next week.
My brother, do bear with me that I am down this time and needs something to sustain with.
Lawrence is not all that ok but the Doctor is promising to discharge him by that next week so he can be at home for a while and feel relaxed.
Please, try to make sure that this fund is claimed by that next week as planned so we can both rejoice for the dividend.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
If you heard all I said, how come you got a whole lot wrong?
The appointment at the clearing house is not on Monday. That's when we're leaving Sydney. The appointment is (I hope) on Thursday. All clear now?
If it would help, we could meet on the 13th and get to know each other. The Clearing House hasn't confirmed which hotel we're staying at (cutting it a bit close if you ask me), but whichever one it is, I'll call you when we've settled in and we can all meet there.
It'll be good for you - you'll love Inara; and Jayne's OK if you can endure all his war stories (and his smuttier memories).
Give my best wishes to Lawrence. I hope this last development is a good sign.
Malcolm

Dear Mrs Allcock.
Please confirm the details of the hotel today, and the requested new appointment time (on the 14th of September).
I have not been able to call Mr Allison - the telephone service here is patchy at best as regards international calls.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick seems to be working on Lawrence's condition a lot considering that Malcolm is supposed to be in England soon... a fallback position maybe?

11 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I have just received your mail and i am very happy for that.
Actually, Lawrence just start developing the same sickness again but i have called the Doctor and definetely we are taking him back to the Hospital tomorrow as he instructed.
Please get back to me immediately you are set for this travel so i will also make arrangemeents for you in my House because your idea for us to meet is the best since it is all in London.
I await your urgent response.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

11 September 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
This is to apologise for any inconvenience, you must have had in trying to reach us. At the moment we are undergoing system site maintenance on our web site and will be off for some time. As you clearance officer, you are directed to be in touch with me via this email address.
I do not know if you are the one that called late night Thursday?
Do scan and send your pass port Id as requested and also provide the names of your companion for booking of Hotel accommodation. Do you want us to pick you up at the airport??
Do confirm this and also 13th the day of your appointment.
Thanks and have a nice day.
Yours truly,
Mr Henry Allison

12 September 2006

Hello my brother,
We are hoping that in no short time now, everything shall be concluded.
The only problem i have now is Lawrence because the Doctor just Diagonised him again today since the sickness could not stop and it was still almost the same.
He said that he will need to be refared to another place if by tomorrow he does not respond to treatment. Actually, i do not seem to understand anymore what Lawrence wants to do to me because he has finished almost all i have worked for.
My brother, we are hoping that your traveling to London will be a very smooth one unlike ever. So, i Hope to see you in London.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

13 September 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
I hope you still remember that your appointment with the clearing house for the clearing of this fund will be on Thursday.
Please, do keep it to yourself.
I await your urgent response to tthis mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Kaylee - you're on!

Dear Sir/Madam,
This is Kaylee Frye, an associate of Malcolm Reynolds, who was going to meet with you in London on business.
He was flying to London when he was taken ill. He's now in hospital in Singapore.
I'll send on further updates as they come in. I'm sorry for the bad news.
Regards,
Kaylee Frye

14 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I am very sorry for this latest development and pray that he gets well soonest.
I will now call the clearing house contact officer and definetely get him aware of this so they should have a little change in their shedule.
I want you to get back to me as soon as he comes back or is he still goin to be traveling to London?
Please, let me know so i will know what next to do.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr Nick Hinds.

Hi Mr Nick,
This is Kaylee Frye again, who ain't your brother, I'd be your sister if it came to that!
I heard from Miz Inara and Jayne that the Captain was taken off the plane after he developed Deep Vein Thrombosis over the Malacca Straits or something. There was an operation in Singapore. The Captain'll recover, there ain't no risk of him dying or nothing, but they reckon he won't be fit to travel for at least a week.
Would you mind telling me what's this all about? I ain't been told nothing.
Best Regards,
Kaylee

"Mr Kaylee"?

15 September 2006

Hello Mr. Kaylee Frye,
How are you and work?
Any well, the mail I wrote was not meant for you and that was exactly why I used my brother because it was meant for Mr. Malcolm Paul.
Thank God that the sickness was not al that serious and that is what I have always prayed for that he will get well soonest.
Tell him that I have contacted the clearing house and informed them of the issue of his sickness and why he could not make it coming down to London and they have actually given him a consideration and they are going to make a fresh arrangement for an appointment for him to travel definitely next week.
Please, send my regards to him and let him know that he will recover very soon.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Mr Nick,
We got that cleared up at least...
You said the sickness wasn't that serious; well, it might have been. DVT can kill. It'd be a sad world without the Captain, I hope you understand that!
I did contact the Captain and talked to Miz Inara as well, and I gotta tell you, Malcolm ain't going to London from Singapore. He's coming back to Oz to fully recover and it might take up to a month. I hope this don't mess you up too bad, Mr Nick, but Miz Inara said they ain't taking no chances.
I'll get back to you.
Kaylee Frye

20 September 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you today?
I am very sorry for not have written you all these while because i have been runing around with Lawrence and my office job.
I am confidently waiting and hoping that you will soon get well and we conclude this transaction knowing full well my condition now and i do not seem to be understanding your friend that has been writing me.
Please, talk to me because i really want to hear from you urgently.
I await your response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Mister Nick, This is Kaylee, with good news for us both - the Captain will be back on Saturday night, best guess. We'll all be happy and having a small party.
But I have to ask, Mister Nick, what I wrote that was so hard to understand?
I've been telling you all the news as it comes in, I ain't left nothin out, so you don't have to talk about not understanding me.
BTW, who's Lawrence?
Kaylee

20 September 2006

Hello Kaylee,
It is nice hearing from you again and thank you so much for this good news and i wish i could be there to selebrate with you and Malcolm.
Any well, Lawrence is my last Son that has taken almost all my Money because of his sickness(Cancer)taking him from here to there and it does not seem to be geting better. I await you reply.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

24 September 2006

Hello my brother Malcolm,
How are you today?
It is quite a pity that for long now, i have not heard from you and i am really worried about this. How is your body now and i am hoping and praying that it is well now even without being told. Are you back to London now as your friend, Kaylee told me you will be back today and how was your journey back? Hoping it is very save and successful as we pray.
My brother, i will really love to hear from you now after days of no conversation.
Please, do get back to me as soon as possible.
I await your urgent response.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

OK, time to bring Malcolm back

Nick,
Yes, I'm back, and recovering. DVT is not a nice thing to go through, but I'll get better. On the immediate down side, the doctors have all told me that long-distance flight is out of the question in the near future.
How's Lawrence? You'd written that he wasn't getting any better. What's being done?
Kaylee filled me in on your messages, and I have to tell you, Kaylee is not a guy, but she was too polite to correct you again when you called her 'Mr' twice!
OK - since our plans seem to have hit the wall (I can't come to the Clearing House), we have to work out how to get around this.
I have to go out for physio now; let me know what you're thinking, and I'll get back to you.
Take care now.
Malcolm

26 September 2006

Hello my brother,
How is your health today?
I have just recieved your mail and i really understood all you said as well as saying sorry for the hard time you have been through.
I will contact the clearing house right now and see how convinient and possible it will be for them to bring down the fund to you there in Ausralia through a Diplomatic means and the conditions to achieveing that.
As soon as i hear from them, i shall let you know and i will personally ask them to reach you so you can have your words with them on the conditions for achieveing this.
I am very happy now that you are ok and back meaning that your leg is geting ok.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
My health is better, though I'm still not fit to fly, either as a passenger or as a pilot. I should be cleared for piloting in a couple of weeks, but no long-haul flights for at least three months. And my leg will never be fully healed - I'll have pins in it for the rest of my life, and physio three times a week for the next five years or so.
At least I'm still alive.
You never said how Lawrence is - come on, update me!
Malcolm

With no trip to England, Lawrence is brought to centre stage... Texas?

28 September 2006

Hello my brother,
I am happy that your health is now ok but as you said " though I'm still not fit to fly, either as a passenger or as a pilot." I have learnt to believe in your words which says that whatever that cannot kill us will always make us stronger than before and i want you to maintain it.
My brother, Lawrence isn't getting any better. I was supposed to have taken him to Texas where the Doctors reccomanded for us but the Money is not there to finance the trip and that is why he has corrently remained in the house and we are looking unto God for his survival. My Wife almost died the other day of Hearth attack thinking about him but thank God she is ok now.
My brother, i have not heard anything from you concerning this transaction. Did you contact the clearing house to alart them of this issue of your health?
Any well, i did contact them( Mr. HenryAlison- contact officer) as i promised and told him of your condition but he was a kind of insisting that you have to do something now and fast complaining that according to the laws and act of Fidelity Investment Coroporation, if you do not claim this fund in no short time that the approval board might request that it is resent to the approval board.
So my brother, you have to contact the clearing house now and have words with them to avoid any mistake as the contact officer has warned because i am very confused now and i do not know where to start since i am very bankrobbed now.
I await your urgent response of this mail as soon as you contact the clearing house concerning this.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Mr Allison,
I regret my inability to attend the scheduled meeting at your firm.
I was taken dangerously ill on the flight to London. My doctor has ruled out international flights for the foreseeable future. What can be done?
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick,
Don't preach to me using my own words, you'll be trying to convert the Pope to Catholicism yet...
OK, I shouldn't joke. Your situation sounds worse by the minute.
I'm glad your wife is over the attack, but my god, why would you take Lawrence to Texas for treatment? Last time I checked, England is still a First World nation and it has a health service. Who's giving you this advice, a gorram travel agent? I'd have thought the last thing a deadly sick person needs is a flight to another continent (however nice Texas might be). Don't send him there! I contacted Henry Allison, so over to him (for now).
Take care.
Malcolm

29 September 2006

Helllo my brother,
I have just recieved your mail and i am happy with your health condition today in the sense you can write now.
My brother, the issue of taking Lawrence to Texas came up when the Doctors refered us to another Hospital there in England just like you know are the best but the bills seems to be too much that i cannot even think of affording anything to take care of him and my friend, Smith suggested we should be taking him to Texas.
My brother, that is where i am for now and i really do not have anything now to start up something. Actually, i was contemplating asking you to lend me some little amount of Money which i will pay you back as soon as we clear this fund from the clearing house to take care of Lawrence.
My brother, i will really be very glad if you can do anything for me no matter the amount because i am very down nowand have no other hope except you for now.
My brother, thank you for contacting Mr. Alison and what has he said concerning that? Please, talk out this matter with him and let us conclude this transaction once and for all.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

29 September 2006

Attn: Mr. Reynold Paul Malcolm,
This is to notify you that the Fidelity Investment Corporation, United Kingdom has recieved your massage complaining about your present condition of health and at this time has been discused by the approval baord which was why it has not been replied since the date of reciept.
It is my pleasure to inform you that according to the acts and laws of Fidelity Investment Corporation, United Kingdom, every of our Investor is expected to claim his/her fund out from the clearing house not later than five (5) weeks of approval.
Because of your condition, the above mentioned Corporation has therefore decided to give you not more than one month to clear this fund out from the clearing house or else will be returned to the approval board which will attract another payment should he/she re-apply.
On this note, you have been warned to clear your fund to avoid regret.
Warm Regards
Mr. F. G. Williams.
Director General of Fidelity Investment Corporation, United Kingdom.

The Lads prepare their Plan B - shipment.

30 September 2006

Attention: Malcolm Reynolds
This is to acknowledge the receipt of your email, so sorry to hear about your ill health, hope you get well soon.
Based on your present situation, you demanded the only way to have this concluded is to have the consignment delivered to your nominated address, must be your country, and someone will have to sign for it on receipt as it will be home delivery.
This option will require some cost, delivery cost. On the receipt of your nominated address, our accounts department will check and forward the bill to you, and we will expect to receive at least 40% before delivery.
I hope you understand and act in good faith.
Thanks and take care.
Yours truly,
Henry Allison

Nick,
I don't want to be rude about your friend Smith (whoever he is) but I'm telling you, he's blowing smoke! Sonofabitch, if you think the medical bills in England are steep, you ain't seen nothin' yet! I'm proud of my country, but not its medical system - it's user pays with a vengeance, and if you've got no money, you get no treatment!
I'm urging you not to go through with that - it's plain crazy, I assure you. Keep Lawrence exactly where he is.
Let me know how much we're looking at. A lot of my resources are tied up in SAC, and in long-term interest-bearing accounts.
When I hear from the Clearing House, I'll drop you a line.
Remember - do NOT send Lawrence to Texas!
Malcolm

And now Lad plan C.

30 September 2006

Hello my brother,
Thank you for your urgent response of my mail and i am happy that i have somebody like you today. I have heard what you said and i am promising never to take him to any where again since you have said so.
My brother, why i said the bill is too costly is because i am already ment to pay about four Thousand Dollars (4,000.00) for acceptance before Lawrence will be treated which at the moment i cannot afford and that was why i am affraid. My brother, if there is anything you can do for me at this moment, i will be very grateful and i will never forget that as well as pay you back immediately we conclude this transaction.
I have got what you said that the clearing house has not contacted you may be because of your network problems or otherwise but i want to be sure you are sending it with the right email, admin@xpressdeliveri.com because without that, it might not get to them. So, if you have not sent it with this email, please do that now and let us see what happens soonest.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

30 September 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and your work today?
I have not heard from you and i wonder what the problem is? Is everything alright?
Please my Malcolm, My Son, Lawrence is dieing and the Doctor said he can do nothing about that if i do not make the deposit of some Money on or before Teusday and i have not raised any thing at the moment and that is why i have come to you again to see how you can help me no matter how much you give me at least to make a deposit in the Hospital so they can start treating him before i loses him to death.
My malcolm, i promise to pay you back everything as soon as the fund i cleared from the clearing house but let my Son live first. I assure you i will even add an interest if you so wish as long as i save my Son's life.
Please, you are the only hope i have left for now since i cannot run to any person again for help. Please, do help me now that i needed it most and i will never disappoint you.
I really rest my hope on you believing that you will never disappoint me and God shall keep on blessing you as you do it.
I await your positive response of this mail. Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

The head on a stick reference is from a scene in the movie Wolf Creek (actually, I've been told that I got the scene wrong).

Nick,
What the hell is this? Who does this asshole doctor think he is, holding you to ransom? That is against all the rules of medicine, as far as I know. He cannot demand money before he'll operate. Just tell him that he can be struck off forever for that! I know medical procedures can be expensive (first hand memories of that, believe me) but I am totally sure that what that doctor is doing is totally wrong.
In any event, I can't send anything until you tell me where - like your bank account details so I can arrange a transfer. Even then there'll be some lag time.
I've been busy the last couple of days - for example, I spent a lot of yesterday at the police station signing paperwork to release my confiscated ID (even then I won't get it back for a couple of days at least).
Here's something truly weird - you remember that comment a cop made to Kaylee that I'd done the world a favor? While I was there, I saw a HUGE folder with Mick Taylor's name on it (he was the guy who rammed my car and got killed). The cop flashed me a photo from the file that looked like a still from a slasher flick - a woman's head on a stake! It looked pretty gorram real, too! What the hell was that guy up to?
Malcolm

A belated slap for F. G. Williams.

Mr Williams,
The delays in this matter have been caused by events beyond my control.
You may have rules and regulations, but if you can sign your messages "Warm Regards", you could at least show a little bit of understanding.
I will make every effort to clarify this matter as soon as possible.
Malcolm Reynolds

And one for Mr Allison

Mr Allison,
I didn't demand anything - it's been forced on me by circumstances. When you say it must be my country, the fact is I'm a resident alien in Australia. Does that make a difference? Malcolm Reynolds

Nick, For God's sake, man, we are running out of time if Tuesday is the deadline! You have to give me the gorram details pronto, for Lawrence's sake! One thing I could do - send me the doctor's details - let me talk to him, or at least send him the kind of email that'd set his sorry ass on fire. I've heard the English are too polite. Maybe it needs an American touch. Malcolm

He gives the name of the supposedly money-grubbing Doctor - this I can do something with.

04 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today? I have received your mail but I am very sorry for my lateness in replying your mail due to the condition of My Son's, Lawrence's illness recently. I have been in the Hospital with Lawrence since all my wife's believe is that he is not going to make it.So, I decided to ask her to rest at home while I take care of Lawrence in the Hospital to avoid her having another Hearth attack. Actually my brother, it has not been easy with Lawrence but I strongly believe he is not going to die because out of him, Ken and Sandra, he is the one dearest to my heart and I will never watch him die no matter what it takes as long as I have someone like you and that Is why I am very happy that you are here. The worst thing now is that I heard from the secretary to this Doctor (Dr. Robinson Betts) that he will be traveling on a consultant very soon and as a matter of fact, he is the best in this Hospital that can uproot this Cancer of a disease from my Son and at the moment, he is insisting that if I don't make this payment, he can do nothing and that is my most concern now and that is why I have come to ask you again to remember me and do not forget me because now, all my hope relies on you. Please, if there is any thing you can afford to give me as a help to pay you back as I have promised once we clear this fund even to add an interest. I don't really mind what I add as long as Lawrence lives. Please, do send it through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER with this name:
Mr. Robert Wright,
21 Stockwell Street,
NE12 WAS,
London.
He is the younger brother to my wife and he is the only person I can trust for now that cannot disappoint me.He has been with me all these while helping and doing all he can but yet the same. Please I have to use this western union Money transfer since it is the fastest means that will not delay this operation before this Doctor disappoints me. Please, I would not want my Lawrence to die and I am counting on you strongly believing that you will not disappoint me. Please, Lawrence will die if this operation is not carried out soonest. Help me as you can and I promise with my life to pay you back with interest if you so wish but let my Son live.
I will not be living Lawrence for anything now as well as monitoring this Doctor of a man to make sure he does not leave without taking care of my Son.
Please, help me to save my Son, Lawrence.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Well, Nick , it seems your payday is nigh.

Nick,
You would not believe how gorram furious I am at that rutting doctor. There is no way that he should be able to hold you to ransom like that.
I just emailed the British Medical Association and asked them to refer this Robinson Betts to their medical ethics committee. Now he'll have to operate!
I can send money tomorrow, no problems - you said $4000, IIRC. It'll be in time.
Nothing from the Clearing House though - I suppose I must have shocked them with my tough talk (ha, ha).
Keep your hopes up and tell your good lady that a Marine never lets his comrades down.
Malcolm

04 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
I have just received your reply now and I want to say thank you very much for your urgent response of this mail as well as your promise hoping that you will never disappoint me, as God will continue to bless you.
My brother, thank you very much on this promise and I look forward to receiving it tomorrow morning so at least this idiot of a Doctor, Dr. Robinson Betts can operate Lawrence and bring him back to life which is my utmost concern at the moment.
I have always counted on you and believe that the God that brought us together will never let us down in any way since I know he is a merciful God and has promised to never let us go astray. My brother, as soon as this fund is cleared, I will pay you back all that you have done for me but please, do let me know the interest I will add for you because at the moment, you are my savior and you will never go unblessed.
Please my brother; I hope the mail you sent to the British Medical Association will not make this stupid Doctor change his mind on this operation when they will consult him? I would have preferred we do it when he must have finished the operation to save my Son's, Lawrence life so we can then show him that we are not fools.
Thank you once more on your promise as I await your promise tomorrow.
God will keep on blessing you everlasting.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
DON'T LET THAT GORRAM DOCTOR NEAR LAWRENCE! HE'S A FAKE! The BMA got back to me really quickly and told me that there is no Robinson Betts on their database, either as MD or FRCS.
Tell the hospital this and GET THAT RUTTING QUACK ARRESTED! NOW!
Malcolm

He took that very calmly!

05 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
Thank you so much for this verification and I am already beginning to suspect that before he left yesterday.
Actually, out of the urgency and Lawrence's present condition, I have decided to make a change and the Chief medical Director has assured me that they are going to consult a specialist from the London Cancer group on this case as long as my Son is saved. Please, he has given me the assurance that the operation will be carried out tomorrow morning but the problem now is the Money to take care of those things and I assure you, there is no such mistake anymore. He also said that we have to be fast since he has lasted already to avoid it leading to another thing like Bone Marrow Suppression.
Please my brother, do help me as you have promised lending me this money and let this Cancer be dead and dead forever. Lawrence is really suffering and has not eaten for one day now. It is getting worse on daily basis and I will be glad if you can help me now stop Lawrence from dieing.
Please, remember you are my only and only hope now and please, do not disappoint me and if it will be possible, I will be very grateful if you can make it sending the money today because as I am talking to you now, I don't even have anything with me again. Please, do help me and I will never fail to pay you back with rewards and I know that God will keep on blessing you for standing with me through out this condition for they say that a friend in need is a friend in deed. Please my brother, I am hoping on you and you alone now for the survival of Lawrence. Please, help me.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

OK - the money is sent - to England, to a place not far from where the real Nick Hinds works; he should be grateful

Nick,
You owe me big time, buddy - but don't consider it a debt. I'd do it for any true friend. Let's hope this doctor is "fair dinkum" (as they say in Oz).
I made the transfer, to the equivalent value of £2500 (slightly over $4700), today, by Moneygram. For safety's sake I chose to have it collectable from one location only - the Hadlow Post Office at High Street, Hadlow, Tonbridge. That's pretty close to where you work.
The serial number is 11352525 and there's a question-answer protocol -
What is my call sign? Firefly.
Keep me posted! Malcolm

No he isn't...
This is the beginning of a long exchange devoted mainly to the need to send the money by Western Union rather than Moneygram.

06 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
I have received your mail and before God and man, I know I owe you a lot and will surely see to that by paying you back even with interest if you wish as long as Lawrence lives. I also want to say thank you very much on your effort so far and God will never cease to bless you. My brother, you know the operation will be holding tomorrow morning by Gods grace and I will have to be with Lawrence there in the Hospital to ensure that everything goes the way it is supposed to be very well.
I begged you to help me make the transfer through the Western Union Money Transfer with the details I have given you because I know that is the best way it will be received easily considering the urgency of the need and I am assuring you that in terms of the security of this Money, you have nothing to worry about as long as you use the details I gave you because I do not have a confidence in that Moneygram and I do not trust it. The last time my friend made a transfer through it, his money got stocked till date and he did nothing about it. Since then, I have always preferred Western Union Money Transfer. So my brother, please do re-claim the money from the Moneygram and transfer it through that Western Union Money Transfer details as I gave you since he will be the one to collect it from the office and I trust him like I trust you.
The details are:
Mr. Robert Wright,
21 Stockwell Street,
NE12 WAS,
London.
He is the younger brother to my wife as I have earlier told you and he is the only person I can trust like you for now that will not disappoint me.
Please, you have to do this for me now and I am still thanking you for this extend you have helped and God for giving me a real friend in need now instead of Mr. Clive Whittaker.
My brother, please remember it has to be tomorrow since I will need to make some payments before and after the operation. Please, do send it with the details of Western Union Money Transfer tomorrow morning to make everything go well as supposed.
God will keep on blessing you abundantly and I am very grateful. Please, help me.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

A bit of blithe bonhomie never hurts..

Nick,
You don't trust Moneygram? Well, I don't think much of Western Union. When I tried to send money to my old Corps buddy Jubal Early in Louisiana after Hurricane Katrina, WU proved to be a major letdown. I had to try FOUR TIMES before it got through. Moneygram hasn't done that to me all the times I've used it. It's there; you just have to go a few miles to get it, and you don't have to put your brother-in-law to any trouble.
Again, I have to tell you, you do not have to pay any money up front for Lawrence's operation! If the surgeon refuses to go ahead without upfront payment, take it from me, he's a gorram charlatan, like that Betts guy.
I'll be out of touch for the next couple of days as I'm taking a load of Japanese tourists on an extended tour of the Northern Territory in the Firefly - when they saw the V-22 on the pad they begged me to use it rather than the standard A-212. What could I do? They were willing to pay half again for the privilege. I knew getting an Osprey would pay off!
Now just pick up the money and no more grizzling, OK? I'll be back late Sunday most like, and I expect to see good news from new next time I log on.
Malcolm

Mr Allison,
You never answered my question before, so I assume there is no problem with sending the money to my current location.
The address is 42 Airport Drive, Alice Springs, Northern Territory, Australia 0870.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick tries to flannel Malcolm with some good news before getting down to the nitty-gritty...

07 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you, work, Health and your friends today?
God is really wonderful. The operation has perfectly been carried out in the late hours of today and as I am talking to you now with God's grace, Lawrence is very ok. He was operated but just that, as you might know, he is not meant to start eating immediately because he is still in serious pains. So, he has not started eating but the doctor gave me an assurance that he will do so within a short interval. So my brother, you have really shown me what a true and good friend really means and not the type I have made in the past.
Also, i want to use this opportunity to inform you that i have called the Director General of the Fidelity Investment Corporation and talked things over with him concerning your Health condition and to see how he can help finding a way for you to clear this fund from the clearing house and he promised to do something about that soonest. So, i am looking forward to hearing from him as regards that.
My brother, I wish to use this opportunity to say a very big thanks to you and who ever made this possible especially the Doctor and most importantly you. My brother, through out today, my in-law was in the Post office as you directed and at the end he was unable to collect the money. So, I know you really want to help me as a friend and even if not for the sake of my cries then for the sake of Lawrence in pains.
Please, remember you are the only hope I have for now to pay for the Hospital Bills as well as buying the necessary drugs as prescribed for Lawrence as I have no other person to run to except you and thank God you are always there for me.
My brother, Please do me that favor as you have started doing it. Go and call that money back and send it through the Western Union Money Transfer that I gave you if you really wanted to help me as you promised. My condition now is that I cannot leave Lawrence for any reason since all that the Mother does now any time she sees him is to start crying and that is making Lawrence very uncomfortable. So, I have decided to take care of him myself as he wished. He personally asked me to always be with him and you know how dear Lawrence is to me that he would feel better seeing me every seconds and I am keeping the promise to always make sure I am there with him. Please my brother, I know you really wanted to help me and I know as well that I am owing you a lot to pay you back in no short time as you know. Please my brother, complete this help as you promised. I have nothing with me now and your money is lying down somewhere. Please call it back and send it with those details I gave you so that my in-law will collect it as I have earlier explained to you that he is the only person I trust now after you. Please do it for the sake of dieing Lawrence and know that God will never cease to bless you abundantly as He has always done.
Please my brother, I am really hoping only on you and God for the survival of my Son, Lawrence and I know that neither of you will disappoint me.
Please my brother; I pray that God will keep on blessing you as you do that.
I await your urgent response of this mail with a good result to save Lawrence and help me too. I will surely pay you back as you know but help me and my Son to save him.
Please, help me.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
I'll not bore you with news of the weekend - except to say that our tourists were so taken with the tour and the Firefly that they pressed big cash tips on us.
The news about Lawrence is heart-warming. You must be on top of the world. I will allow myself a moment of smugness over the matter of that faker Betts, but let's move on...
It's a gorram annoyance that the people at the Clearing House won't do anything unless you talk to them - that is rutting unprofessional! I'd better hear from them soon...
Now, as to the money - I cannot believe that your brother-in-law couldn't answer one simple gorram question and quote the number correctly. I'm not going to change something when he should be able to do a simple thing. Tell him to go back and get it right - if not for you or Lawrence, then for his sister. Tell him again: the serial number is 11352525 and there's a question-answer protocol - What is my call sign? Firefly.
I'm aching at the thought that I can't be there for you. I'm hoping that once the doc clears me for long-range travel I can get to England.
Malcolm

Lad desperation is always fun to see.

10 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and the Firefly? I am very sorry I could not be able to reply your mail all these while because I have not had the opportunity to leave Lawrence considering his condition and I hope you bear and understand with me in this regards. I am really on top of the world as you said knowing really what Lawrence meant to my life.
My brother, do not see it that the people at the clearing house cannot do anything unless I talk to them but just that I want to talk to them to see how urgent this could be done to clear this money as soon as possible because I cannot continue to beg for money any time I want to do something even to handle a small project when I know I have enough money somewhere. Actually, Lawrence is getting very ok and I thank God for that and you in a special way for standing by me all these while. He started eating today and that is enough evidence to prove he is responding to the medications and treatments.
My brother, my in-law is a very trusted person to me just like I trust you and there is no way he could have gone to the post office without being able to answer just very small questions like the serial number, protocol question and answer. My brother, you know how much hope and trust I bequeath on you and I wouldn't believe you disappointed me like this. If you really want to help me as you promised and for the sake of Lawrence, you would have sent it to the Western Union Money Transfer that I gave you because if I am not mistaking, I remember you requested for the details before I gave you my in-laws details to use with reasons why I have to use him instead of myself. Now, he is a kind of getting angry and he said he is not going there again if you do not want to send it through Western Union Money Transfer and you know I am doing this for Lawrence and not him. It is not that I am doubting your words but please, if truly you did sent the money trough the Moneygram as you said, please do call it back and do send it through the Western Union Money Transfer details that I gave you because he is the only person I trust now apart from you and that is disposed as well to collect this money. Calling back this money from the Moneygram is as simple as ABC. It is your money and nobody has any right to question you why you wish to call it back. Please, call it back and send it through the Western Union Money Transfer if you really want to help me as you promised to save Lawrence.
My brother please, I know you are always there for me and eager to really help me and I believe you cannot disappoint me at this dieing minute that I needed your help most. Please, help me now to save Lawrence before he dies. I have neither bought any of the things requested for him till now nor do I have any hope of doing so except through your promise and that is why I am pleading with you to help me as you have promised because you are the last and only hope I have now.
You know I am more than this but our transaction has consumed all that I have as you know and despite your condition now, I would have gotten this money by 4Million times and I wouldn't have been disturbing you to help me with $4,000.00. You know that this money in question cannot go anywhere handling the expenses involved and the Medications to cure Lawrence, my Son but please, if you really want and willing to help me, do call back this money from the Moneygram and do send it through that Western Union Money Transfer details that I gave you so I will be able to settle some bills awaiting me. You wouldn't understand what I am facing here now and why I am not disposed but I believe if you understand, you will pity me and even find a better way of helping me. My brother, I am facing hell on Earth here at this moment but I know it is my cross and I have to carry it and believing that whatsoever that cannot kill us will end up making us stronger. I know it is all going to be well but with a matter of time and with your prayers as well as the Mercy of God. Don't worry, you will visit my house very soon and you will see and believe what I am saying and maybe then, you will know I am not kidding.
My brother, if there is any person to run to now for this help, it's you and please, do me this favor now that I needed it most in life as a true friend and a friend in need. Do help me please.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Malcolm's confusion mirrors my own. I don't think I'd ever seen such a cockamamie story before

Nick,
I don't normally swear, but - what the FUCK?
Is your brother-in-law some sort of mental defective? Is he a retard with a swelled head? He's too gorram stupid to do a simple task, but he's too proud to admit to it, and instead chucks a hissy fit and insists we do it his way!
If it's as simple as ABC to recall the money from Moneygram, how much simpler can it be to pick up the money from the post office?
Nick, you say you don't doubt me. I can only read some of what you wrote as doubt. For example, "if truly you did sent the money trough the Moneygram as you said" - "if you really want and willing to help me" - "Don't worry, you will visit my house very soon and you will see and believe what I am saying and maybe then, you will know I am not kidding". That's doubt, my man! That is a major slur on my honor.
Let me tell you something - I left the Corps eight years ago, but the Corps never quite leaves you. A Marine is loyal and honest and steadfast, and I still live by the Marine code. Don't ever accuse me of letting you down! I made a promise, I am trying to keep it, but I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW'S STUPIDITY!
You say that I don't understand what you're going through. Well, we're from two different worlds here, Nick. I carried a rifle for my country; I served in wars and killed and took wounds for my country, and watched my comrades suffer.
You, on the other hand, have lived a quiet life in England, courtesy of men just like me, who served in the British armed forces. Your son has the benefit of the best health system in the world, part of a lifestyle made possible by those soldiers and sailors and pilots who loyally served under your country's flag.
Tell your brother-in-law to stop thinking of his own stupid pride and pick up the gorram money. If he has any more stupid whinges, tell him to email me and let's talk this through. I'm sick of his idiocy and I want this settled - for you and for Lawrence. Semper fi,
Malcolm

10 October 2006

Hello my brother,
Thank you for your urgent response of my mail.
Actually, I do not doubt you but I believe you do understand that I am down and any person in my condition would speak and feel any sort of rubbish when he believes he is disappointed and please, do not see it that he is insisting we do it his own way and do remember you are not doing it for him but for Lawrence and I.
My brother, I believe every word of yours and that is why I have trusted you now unlike any other person in my world. I know you made a promise and doing everything possible to keep it and please, don't let my in-law be the cause of your annoyance because I doubt if he knows what we meant for each other. Do not forget I owe you at the end and that nobody will be a bridge to our relationship not even my wife.
My brother, do not get annoyed because it wouldn't make me happy either. Please, forget everything and let us see to this. You know young people of today and how they act. Please my brother, do bear with me and do me this favor.
I will be glad to get a positive response from you urgently.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
Would you PLEASE stop making excuses for Robert? For God's sake, he cannot be that young! For certain he's older than me!
I'm not going to re-send the money by Western Union just because your brother-in-law is a complete bonehead. That's final. It's there, and it stays there until Robert Wright goes and gets it. He needs to learn a lesson!
Malcolm

10 October 2006

Hello my brother,
Thank you for your urgent reply of my mail but i think you are geting it all wrong. If you can just take because of Robert and decide not to help your friend that you wanted to help, remember you are not doing it for him but for my sake and the sake of Lawrence.
Please, do call this money back and re-send it through the Western Union Money Transfer that i gave you so i can have assess to it probably today to settle some bills as i have ealier told you.
I need this help from you now and i wonder what happens if you fail me. Please,do help me do it and i will not border you again because i know i am being a borden to you now but you are the only person i can trust to run to.
I have already ran to some other friends even those ones that were giving me wrong suggestion of where to take Lawrence before his operation and they couldn't do anything. You are my last and only hope left and i be;ieve you will not disappoint me.
I await your urgent reply.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

I'm trying to set up the Western Union Secure Transfer Option (as invented by Eliza Dane in DRESSED FOR SUCCESS)

Nick,
All right, FINE! I'll DO it!
My God, when I get over there, I don't care how much you may care for your brother-in-law, but I am going to rearrange his gorram face and knock some rutting sense into him! In the time it took him NOT to pick up your money, the Marines took Tarawa!
Call him and get the serial number of his driving license or passport; I want to have an extra layer of security on the transaction. I can send the money tomorrow or when I get those details - not before.
Tell me how Lawrence is. At least I won't get angry over him!
Malcolm

Our Lad raised the bar still further with a new excuse. For me, this is a real eye-opener (though I bet there are worse out there).

11 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
Thank you so much for your urgent response of this mail and for your effort so far in helping me save my Son especially accepting to send me the Money through the Western Union Money Transfer as I gave you and I am very sorry for not replying you since you wrote but that Is because I have not been able to leave Lawrence and he wouldn't even want me step an inch.
My brother, I am very happy for this and I will never forget you and this help as you are rendering even your kindness to my entire family and me. My brother, unfortunately, my in-law was attacked by some group of armed robbers three weeks ago and they made away with his portfolio which they believed was full of money and which consist of his Drivers license, Passport, His salary and some other valuables.
So, my brother, as regards the security of this Money, I will assure you that nothing will happen to it as soon as you pay it and I will make sure he has to go straight to the Western Union Money Transfer to collect it the moment it is paid in to avoid any form of story. Please, do pay it in with that Western Union Money Transfer information I gave you and I will write you immediately to confirm for you that it has been claimed once he claims it. My assurance is that it will be secured and it will get to me immediately it is paid in.
My brother, I do not really know how to start thanking you for being a good friend/partner and a friend in need as they say it is the friend in deed.
Actually, you have proved to me beyond every reasonable doubt that you are my good and best friend. Thank you so much and I know I owe you a lot and will do pay you back once I get the Money even if I can make it before our fund is cleared.
My brother, Lawrence is getting very ok and I assure you that if I can make it getting all the prescribed drugs and medication for him, he will be well very soon.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
You have only confirmed my worst suspicions!
You brother-in-law is not only stupid, but a gorram trouble magnet! What the hell was he doing carrying all his personal ID at once, and in a rutting briefcase? What guarantee do I have now that he won't get ripped off again?
And telling me that your brother's ineptitude somehow ensures the safety of my money just makes my head ache.
More than that... what the hell is this supposed to mean? "I will make sure he has to go straight to the Western Union Money Transfer to collect it the moment it is paid in to avoid any form of story". Huh? What story? What are you talking about?
Nick, I am NOT going to send this without some form of security, and it ain't going to your brother! Hell's teeth, you have two other grown children, you must trust at least one of them! The sooner you get me what I need, the sooner you get the money.
Semper fi,
Malcolm

Nick is still in damage control, and makes some odd claims - such as the one about his kids being still at school.
All I can say is; he must have started late...

12 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
As regards your question about why he has to carry all his personal ID at once, and in a rutting briefcase? He was ment to go for an interview of which if it had worked, he will embark on an orientation outside the UK but unfortunately, it all happened the way it went.
I m giving you this assurance that he will do no stupid thing. It was all about misfortune and the did has been done and he couldn't change it.
"I will make sure he has to go straight to the Western Union Money Transfer to collect it the moment it is paid in to avoid any form of story". What i ment by that is that i will make sure that he gives no excuse of why the money in one way or the other got missing or any other stupid story and to assure you that no matter what be the case, that it will surely get to me. That the money will be very secured.
My brother, If any of my kids had been around, i wouldn't have used my in-law. Any of my kids could have made a better person to go for this withdrawal instead of Robert but they are both still in school.
My brother, i know you really wanted to help me as i have confirmed it but you are only trying to be consious of security to avoid telling you at the end i couldn't get it or any kind of story and i want to assure you now that you will never get any such story. So my brother, please do go ahead and make the payment to help me because i am at the dead end of the moment.
Remember you are the only person i have now in this condition and please, you promised not to disappoint me especially at this dieing minute. Please my brother, consider my condition and help me now that i am in need and help me for all.
Please, i am begging you with the name of whom ever you respect or worship to do me this favor now.
I know that you can do it and that you will not disappoint me.
Please, i am at your knees pleading with you for this help so my Son can live again.
Please, do help me.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
There is nothing to stop Robert from getting his ID reissued - unless he's too gorram stupid to think of doing that.
I'm willing to bet that he didn't have a hope in hell of getting any overseas job - unless some hamlet in Ukraine or somewhere had a vacancy for a village idiot!
Nick, stop begging for a moment and listen to me. I have already spent thousands of dollars trying to help you. I risked my life - DVT can kill, remember! The cost is compounded by the fact that the travel insurance won't cover the medical fees in Singapore - something to do with a pre-existing condition. I am entitled to caution in this and I am entitled to your cooperation. It ain't too much to ask. If you have to use Robert, then somewhere, for Chrissake, he has some form of gorram ID that has a workable serial number. Just do it, OK?
Malcolm

13 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
I have gone through your mail and to be frank with you i have done all i believe i should do but i do not seem to understand what is going on.
This Money is really yours and like i have told you before, you have every right to recall the money back and do it as i asked you because my in-law was there again today and still the same old story-it could not not be recieved.
Mind you, i would preffare you don't send this Money than sending it and i couldn't collect it and that was why i have to use a reliable source that i know and trust that through him i can lay hands on this Money in question. I know quite well that any of my remaining two Kids would have been a perfect person to collecting this Money but as you know, none is at home and i have to use someone i can trust like you. I want to ask you something, Would you be happy to hear that my Son is dead? I know you have spent so much trying to help me especially risking your life for DVT all for my sake and that of Lawrence but i think we should be realistic now. I observed that too and that was why i have to ask you this in the name of whom ever you respect as your God and do not forget that i have also spent about 107,000.00 Pounds trying to help both of us and which you know too well that by now, we would have laid claim on this Money but could not yet because of your Health condition. My brother, I know i have begged you the way i would but if you insist on not sending this Money to me, then i have no cause to force you because the whole thing relies on you now since you are the owner of this Money.
So my brother, if there is any other person i could run to, i would have done so all these while but i could not because i do not have and that was why i have always relied on you hoping and believing that you will never disappoint me. Please, i have told you time without number that this my in-law is the only person apart from you that i can trust and you wouldn't understand. Maybe you want me to give you a wrong person that will run away with this Money, then you will say i ate your Money. Please, if you want to help me to save my Son's life, please do now that i needed your help most and i assure you that the Money will be very secured and i do remember that i owe you a lot and will pay you back once we claim our Money from the clearing house.
Please,do help me to save my Son.
I await your good response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
You ever talk to me like that again - EVER - and the deal is off, do you understand? I don't want Lawrence dead. If you can even think that I'm capable of that, then maybe I don't want to do business with you. I know you're under stress. But nothing excuses that sort of slander - EVER. The one who's screwing us all over is your idiot brother-in-law. According to Moneygram (I visited the office today) the money was sent, it's still waiting! I emailed the post office to ask if there had been any problems, but no reply yet. Picking the money up would be simple. I've told you how. Why is it that Robert can't do something so childishly simple? I'm all out of answers.
And now I start wondering what sort of company you keep. You're a middle-class executive in a respected international firm. Somehow, though, you can't find among your friends and colleagues a single individual that you can trust to pick up a small sum of money! Hell's teeth, isn't there someone even slightly trustworthy in your social set? Or have Thatcher and Blair so corrupted you English that no-one can be trusted with anything? What about that Barrister Chuby? You must trust him! Tell him to contact me with those details and I'll send the money right away.
Malcolm

Mr Chuby,
Nick Hinds may be in need of your advice and/or professional services - please contact him immediately. I would like to be cc'd on this please.
Regards,
Malcolm Reynolds

Nick,
There's a way round this - stupid of me not to have thought of this before.
I'm planning to take the Firefly for a flight to Sydney tomorrow, to impress an investor while testing the navcom and GPS array.
Once I reach Sydney, it'll be a breeze to get two certified checks, each for $5000; one goes to your brother-in-law, the other to Fidelity (marked PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL - they should forward it to you, no problems).
Once I get them to FedEx, they should be with you PFQ. Then you can put your affairs right and we're OK to proceed.
There's always an answer!
Malcolm

16 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How is work and life today?
I am very sorry for not replying your last email to me because of my Son\s(Lawrence ) condition and as i am talking to you now, it is actually getting worse because it is resulting to Bone Marrow Supreession as result of late operation as the Doctor said and i have taken him back to the Hospital again.
Meanwhile, My in-law, Robert Wright Went again to Moneygram office today and very serious this time but confirmed to me that there was no such transaction as he complained to me that the serial number is not valid/Complete.
My brother, I advice you call that Moneygram post Office and confirm and probably withdarw the money from that Moneygram and send it through the western union if really you wants to help as i know you really wouldn't want Lawrence dead.
Please get back to me With a valid information as regards collecting this Money from the Moneygram since you insist it is there and has not been called back. Here below is the information you sent earlier before now, verify and get back to me as soon possible
Receivers Name and Address
Mr Robert Wright
21 stockwell street
NE12 WAS
London
Sender Name/Information.
Capt.Malcolm Paul Reynold
From Austrlia
Ammount £2500 (slightly over $4700), Two thousand five hundred pounds
The serial number is 11352525
Address/location where you will pick the money
Hadlow Post Office, High Street, Hadlow, Tonbridge.
question-answer protocol - What is my call sign? Answer is . Firefly
My Brother,If you know that the transaction was not made successfully kindly let me know so that i will look for another means of getting a help to save my Son's life as you know he is the most dear to my heart amongst all others.
May the peace of our lord be with you as you help me save my Son.
Have a nice day and remain blessed.
Regards
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
Did you even read the email you're supposedly replying to?
The whole Moneygram issue is pretty much a moot point now, though I haven't actually withdrawn the money - yet.
This brings me to the point of your brother-in-law. Nick, the money was sent, and the details that I gave you are accurate (though you managed to write "Austrlia" for where I am and "Reynold" as my name - rather poor).
Moneygram confirmed that the money is still awaiting pickup, with everything in place - except for your brother-in-law. He is either too rutting stupid to do something as simple as falling off a gorram log, or he's lying, as the number is absolutely correct. I don't know why he'd lie about this. I also don't know why you ever trusted him with anything - this sort of stupidity doesn't happen overnight.
Why didn't you contact Barrister Chuby? I tried, he never replied.
Nick, I am posting those checks tomorrow, and then I'll consider this matter dealt with, so we can move on.
Malcolm

16 October 2006

Hello my brother,
How are you and work today?
Thank you for your urgent response of my mail and i want to say thank you very much to this extent you have gone.
I confirmed it yesterday and the people in the post office said the Serial Number is not valid and the Money was not found.
So, my brother, all you have to do for me now is to let me know how to verify if the Money is still there or not so i will know if my Brother-law is lying to me or has joined the group of Mr. Clive Whittaker.
Give me the location where you sent the Money from, Where the Money was logged in including the website as well as the reciept of payment so i will convince the post Office Men. My brother, I know you have really tried for me to help my Son but i don't seem to know where the problem is actually coming from, So If you cannot meet up with giving me the real information to collecting this Money from the Moneygram and you cannot send it through Western Union, then i think you should forget about it.
This is exactelly why i told you that i don't trust Moneygram and you can see it now. My Son is dieing somewhere and i need a fast means of saving him and you are talking of giving me a Cheque which you know is definetely going to take time to claim. Do you suppose that i have to keep on waiting for this Cheque while i watch my Son die?
My brother, you know i have waited hopelesly for this Money and it is trying to useless my Son's life for me. Please, if you want to help me, you would have done things the way i asked you to do it for me knowing full well that it will be the fastest means of laying hands on this Money.
Thank you so much for this and God Bless you.
I await your urgent response of this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Nick,
Something is seriously wrong.
You say the post office can't find the money. The Moneygram agent here confirms that the money was sent. Did you actually check? Or did your brother-in-law do that? For your info, I didn't send the money via the website - I used the only agent in Alice Springs, the shop at Interforex. I don't have a scanner so I can't send you the receipt. The number is correct - for God's sake, how many more times do I have to check? Give me strength!
I told you not use those guilt trips on me. The doctors can't refuse to treat Lawrence - you're not living in America.
You said the money was for bills, not medical fees. Don't lie to me!
If you don't want the checks, that's your loss.
Malcolm

That first line is priceless!

17 October 2006

Hello,
Thank you so much for this and the time wasting.
My friend,i have seen that you are not ready to help me in My Son's issue and i am really tired of asking you every day for this Money and i know some one else would have helped if not for all the Hope i bestowed on you.
Any well, nothing has happened because if you really wanted to help me, you would have made it possible sending the Money through Western Union as i gave you but instead, you decided to suffer/posting me from here to there risking my Son's life. But it is part of life. HAVE A NICE DAY. Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Time to pull the plug - this has gone on too long!
For the record, I didn't contact either Nick Hinds or Clive Whitaker

Nick,
Thanks for writing back. You see, it gives me a chance to clear some things up.
This whole deal with Moneygram made no sense. The money was there so why the hell couldn't it be collected? The only logical explanation seemed to deliberate action on your part. Why wouldn't you want the money?
I took a chance and contacted 'you' at Fidelity Investments via the website. I had to test a theory.
I asked 'you' why 'you' hadn't completed the transaction as agreed and commiserated with 'you' about Lawrence's state. You know something? 'You' had no gorram idea what I was talking about! Then 'you' told me about 419 scams and what they mean. It all made sense after that.
There is no money for me; there is no Lawrence dying of cancer; there is no clearing house. I can guess what would have happened had we actually arrived in London.
Got anything to say, Nick?
Malcolm

The next day, I send this rumination.
"[T]hat Murdoch guy" refers to the Peter Falconio/Joanne Lees murder casse - for the record, I do think that Bradley Murdoch was rightfully convicted

Nick
It's not your real name, I'm sure, but I'm used to it by now - and I have to ask - if I had come to London, what exactly would have happened? Were we simply going to be robbed? Or was there something worse planned?
Was there any truth at all in what you said? I feel betrayed. You were so friendly, so full of interest on my life and history.
But in the end I suppose you're as sincere as a two-dollar hooker. Whatever the story, you'd have nodded along.
It's strange, but in an odd way, I have to be grateful to the late Mick Taylor. That crash put me in a Singapore hospital and kept me from going to London.
It's also got the local cops on side - one of them told me that Mick Taylor might well have been a sadistic killer preying on backpackers and the like; it makes me wonder if that Murdoch guy was the wrong man.
But never mind that.
By a twist of fate I was there when he ran the red light. I was the executioner, if you like. And the man I killed may have saved my life.
Malcolm Reynolds

And I thought it was over...

4 November 2006

Hello Mr. Malcolm,
You wasted my Money all in the name of helping me and now you left me Pocketless.
I am quite sure you are aware of what you actually did and you never cared to know how i live even with Lawrence health condition but there is no problem because God is aware of everything happening.
Gode bless you.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

Well, "Nick",
I am really surprised that you bothered to write me again - and astonished that you'd keep up your gorram lies.
If you're so sure that God is aware of everything, you are in deep shit, old buddy. You came pretty close to causing my death, but I guess you're easy with that. It was only ever about money - my money, too. You made this big pretense of friendship, but it was all deception.
Well, I have a life to lead, and a firm to build, with people who trust me and whom I trust. Whatever life you lead, I don't want it. I could never lie as easily - and as callously - as you.
How do you do it?
How do you live with yourself?
Malcolm

This is one Lad who can redefine reality. Truly amazing!

5 November 2006

Hello Mr. Malcolm,
You called me a lier simply because you asked me to pick up a Money you never posted for me considering my Son's ill Health. By the way, you made me know that you are taking some visitors on a firefly when you lied to nme that you are not fit to fly for about 3 Months. Who is now lying?
Any well, i lacked courage to talk to you all these while considering what you did to me and thank God now, Lawrence is fully ok. If you really ever remained a good captain as you made me believe, you have to do so we can get this fund cleared unless you really detamined to kill my whole family now that you know i have nothing left with me to take care of the family.
So, you have to contact with the clearing house immediately so we conclude this transaction now that you are very ok.
I await your response to this mail.
Regards,
Mr. Nick Hinds

I decided not to break cover but to continue in character

Nick - or whatever your real name is -
I called you a liar because you're not Nick Hinds of Fidelity International. According to the real Nick Hinds, you're a 419 scammer in Lagos. The real Clive Whitaker confirmed that.
I am not going to contact the clearing house because the people there are your cronies - the ones who planned to mug us in England.
You don't have a sick son or a family in poverty. You are a gorram lying, conniving, stinking son of a bitch who damn near caused my death.
Captain Malcolm Reynolds, USMC

And on that dignified note, it ended...